Thursday, May 11, 2017 "Compiled."

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Week: 40

Songs to Remember: 365 Fresh - Triple H, Strange - MASC, Sad Song - SECHSKIES, Press Your Number - Taemin

        Well, this week's been pretty tiring so far. Not tiring as in like "God, there is so much work," but tiring as in "Man I'm, I'm kinda just done with all this shit."

        I'm sick, of, doing these repeated tasks over and over again, and I do blame most of it on senioritis. I am putting the least, the, minimal effort possible, for me to get by and get through these last few weeks. I've been advised to sulk it all in by my English teacher (he didn't tell me it directly, but rather the class as a whole), sulk it all in before it ends, but I don't know man, I'm not sure if I'll miss, if I'll miss sitting in math doing nothing, or in SSR in Econ and doing nothing, or, doing bulk-work/ paying attention in Chinese/acting like I'm paying attention in Chinese, heh.

        Or, sitting at my desk and doing work or not doing work in Digital Art, the list goes on. Of course I'll most likely miss the, miss interacting with the people in my Dance class the most, they're people whom I actually connect to, out of, all the rest of my classes, heh. But yeah, I'm just done with it all. I've realized that it's been 4 straight years of this, 4 straight years of roaming pretty much the same routes every year, seeing pretty much the same people through-out the years, most of the years.

        The state of my classes right now are, and will continue to be like this for the most part, discounting Dance: for Dance, we're just learning a new dance, practicing our dances/wrapping things up, essentially just, practicing. Next next week, we'll be having our dance recital which will be on a Monday or Tuesday after school or something. Umm, so those will be fun days. Math, currently, we're doing nothing in class. Literally. Time goes by real slow when you're not doing anything. We got assigned one last project, which is like an art project, so, just gotta get it finished and, I'm done, heh. No more calculus, for now.

        Digital Art, it's essentially been the same for the entire year. Just either me doing nothing, or working on Chinese work, or, actually doing work for the class, which, can be done real quick if I so wish to. English, we're just working on worksheets for this book called "Things Fall Apart," aaand, reading it in class. Essentially, slow-paced work. I am, however, on the verge of failing English, with a C- (apparently) but uh, hopefully with the submission of my group's skit video, once we're finished with it, it will hopefully boost me up to a more comfortable level. Then, I just gotta read the book, and, we're gucci. Econ, essentially either sitting there and taking notes, or, listening to some stories, or, watching a video/movie. In SSR, very relaxing, even with the crazy shenanigans that people in my class commit, heh.

        And Chinese, it's, literally been the same as it has ever been for the past 3 years of it. Not a thing has changed, not a thing. That's pretty much it for, how it's all going, academic-wise. Very mellow for the most part.

        Now let's talk about the weather. Amazing, amazing weather. Not too cold, not too hot. It's perfect, right now. Perfect except for the fact that these allergies are penetrating my allergy medication defenses, and uh, yeah, not pretty when shit's going haywire. That's it for the weather, now let's move on to night-walks (I do have a list of some topics to cover to make up for the lack of content these past few days). Night-walks, the reason I am so intrigued by them is that, although they are just normal walks, seeing the world in a different light (literally), basically, let's me see it in a different light. The library I pass by, it looks, different at night. The artificial lights make things pop out more. The silence of not really any cars passing by, or, whatever. It's just different, it's not your usual walk in the day, and so, gives a new perspective of the world than the normal one.

         There's also the sense of freedom and independence when I do 'em. Only because, I'm not really allowed to go out of the house at night, err, by myself at least. Or, without 'em knowing, aaand, by doing so, I'm, I'm basically being myself, I get to be myself, like "I wanna take a walk at night," and so I do say, and feel in control.

        And now I wanna get into a little bit more of touchy topic, one that, we've kinda, I've kinda, talked about a lot before. Ya'll already know what, but I ain't going into specifics of it. I'm talking, about the generality of it all, in one big picture. And that's, the act of moving on. "But Drew, haven't you been on the trek of moving on for weeks now?" I have, and do I find myself dwelling sometimes? Not gonna lie, I do. When I'm, when I'm doing nothing in class, I think, and, there are some thoughts, some dreams, fantasies, that play out in my mind that, well, things would go my way. However, things are not, heh, will most likely not, umm, the thought of the chance though, the 0.0001% plausibility, is still there.

        I took upon myself to read up on other people's problems, problems, similar to mine, and I end up finding some that are, essentially identical to my past situation, even down to the age. If, you ever end up in situation like I was in, here is a couple of testimonials of identical situations that others have been in. Umm, I do not know 'em, it's, all from Reddit to be completely honest.

        One post was titled "Is it bad to tell a girl you're sad/depressed about her not being with you?" and the all the replies were essentially the same: YES. Some of the replies that caught my attention were:

"Yes it's pretty bad. It sounds desperate and needy and it would just seem like you are trying to guilt her and make her pity you. People should want to be with you because they like you and it makes them happy, not because 'it's what you want and you're sad you didn't get your way.'" and

"Move on...just, do yourself a favor and move on. If she hasn't, you'll know." as well as

"Generally, yes. Like 98% of the time, yes. What good is going to come of that? She's not going to pity date you after, and you're only going to make her feel worse, so yes. It is bad." and finally this

"Need more context. Probably a bad idea, especially if you're trying to guilt somebody into being with you. But, if the desire to say it - not because you expect any outcome, but just bottling it up inside - is driving you crazy, might not be a bad idea depending on circumstances."

        All of them made sense, and yes, it did make me feel rather bad about myself for being, well, selfish. I really was, trying to get my way, through guilt-tripping and, all of the above. Did I know what I was doing was bad? I can't even recall. I was, blinded by depression, and, uh, well, desperation. I did stuff that little me would not approve of, considering the morals I've built up since those times. And so, I do wanna apologize to that, but it, most likely won't do any good since, the damage has been done. However, for the other party, things are going well, and that's, that's actually good. I've always stood behind my moral of, okay maybe moral ain't the right word for this but, I've always wanted to make others happy, even at the cost of my own happiness. And this time, or rather, in this current time-frame, it's happening, others are happy, and, this time I don't really have to do anything, so, I guess it's a win-win for all parties involved.

        One other Reddit post that intrigued me was one titled "2 Should I Go Back To China To Get Back The Girl Of My Dreams?" and the one comment that caught my attention was

"For real I say go for it. Not in the 'Oh this will totally work' or the 'this is a good idea' kind of way, though. More in the no matter what it will really build character, give you a great story, and hurt enough for you to adapt it into a Seth Rogen Rom-Com. But in seriousness go, you regret not knowing shit like this. Good or Bad knowing is better."

        Now that one, that one justifies me taking all the risks I can. Just, going all out sometimes. Because in the end, I, basically decide whether it's a bad ending or not. If shit doesn't go my way, hey, I still gain something from it, and uh, gives me something to tell in the future, and, heh, "hurt [me] enough for [me] to adapt it into a [series.]"

        Anyways, got some plans with the cast for graduation pictures next week, as well as a game night or an "Escape the Room," game next week or so, and, filming for English tomorrow and Saturday, plus Chinese work due there too. And tomorrow, it's gonna be evaluations for KDT's Fanime performer line-ups. And yes, I still got some practicing to do. It's 12:56 AM. See ya.