Week: 35
Songs to Remember: Open the Door - TAEYONG (태용), To Myself - DPR LIVE
I took a look into myself and I've decided that I'm gonna cash in on as much intel as I can. From there, if shit doesn't add up, I'm cutting it.
It as in, Kt. I don't wanna play anymore fucking games, I'm tired, there's deadlines to meet. She's been making me frustrated and depressed in all around the times today. When I woke up at 5:00 AM, I was expecting her to be with me at all times, restricting me from interacting with my friends, the people who I'd give up any relationship for.
It was in fact, opposite. She was with the freshmen and Mp for a majority of the time. Call me hypocritical here when I did these things, but when I offered her my hand to hold, she usually ignored it, and run off to a friend to talk to. When she offered her hand for me to hold, or poke me, nudge me, hold my sides, etc, and I ignored it, either in spite of her ignoring me or because I wasn't in the mood, she'd play the victim game. "Wow, okay" and put on all shields.
"But Drew, you said before that you don't care about her shit. Why do you care so much if she's in contact with you?" It's rational to call me a hypocrite here. I did say before that I didn't care much after the affection, that I'd go along with it whenever it was offered, just to go along with it. But I was expecting it today, because who else wouldn't. It's the whole day, spent in one place. She has 8 hours to spend it with me. On other practice days, during break or whatever, she'd be all over me, either sitting on my lap or holding hands 24/7, etc.
But because she didn't, to be honest I did feel lonely. She was out there interacting with others and I was looking forward to interacting with her. Again, call me a hypocrite because just the other day with time in the theater for VSA run-throughs with KDT, I was complaining about having no time to spend with people like Cc, Jd, etc, because of Kt. Now with this, I complain about the complete opposite. However, spoilers, this all didn't ruin the VSA show day-show for me. Another thing that did bother me, besides her spending time with people other than me, was the fact that half of it was with those she has had feelings before with.
I'm talking about Cc, the Junior dude Aa, the one who dances quite well, is lesbian, short, whose appearance bears stronger similarities to a guy more than a girl, and Kb, to my surprise. She said after a KDT practice once before that she has had feelings for Cc before, which, I already knew. She said once before that she has had feelings for Aa before as well. She talks and gets touchy with Cc and Aa often, which, up until now I wasn't really concerned with, I didn't mind. Aa has a GF and Cc is not interested (personally told by Cc that she is not interested at all with Kt). As for Kb, less than a month ago (30 days, I know right), she acted like Kb was the cause of her miseries. She acted with hatred/disgust for him. And today, she was smiling, laughing, playing hands games, contact, etc, with him, as if the previous hostilities did not even exist.
I'm thinking like "If Kb caused you so much anguish that you broke up with him and treated him as if he were the bane of your existence, what made you change your attitiude about him so much that you can comfortably laugh and interact with him as if you just met him for the first time?" One las thing that pissed me off: her attitude. She does abuse her power of being on top, keeping herself from being on the bottom. She'd make jokes about our relationship, as if it was ain't shit. Most of her jokes are not funny. Actually I shouldn't say that. Her sense of humor is different from those around her, resulting in her being the only one who laughs. Her sarcasm is too similar to her regular speech, resulting in me (or others) having trouble deciphering what she says to be taken either seriously or not.
Most, if not all, of her jokes and sarcasm, put me down. I'm talking looks, sexuality, sex appeal, etc. And if I were to say anything about her, which I don't because I know that won't net me anything, then, she'd just go on the defensive, putting herself as the victim. It is abusive. That, and her attitude are what frustrates me. Attitude, I never defined it. Attitute, to me, is how people respond to comments, situations, their outlook on situations, etc. For example, I'd make a comment saying something like "Man I'm tired," or something small like that. A person with an easy-to-love attitutde, like Cc, would say something along the lines of "Man, me too" or throw an inside joke in there. At least hers, I can decipher, because we both share the same sense of humor.
Kt, on the other hand, would respond with something along the lines "What do you want me to do about it?" or the classic Kt line, my favorite, "... okay..." And you gotta hear it in person, it is the most annoying, infuriating, insinuating, response, you will ever hear. And if you were to say that to her, again, she'd go on the defensive. She'd be like "Wow, okay, don't respond" or "I see how it is, leave me hanging." I'm like "Fucking GOD, I'ma fucking kill myself because of how low-effort of a response that is." I understand if a person's not in the mood. If they're sad, angry, etc, having a bad day, doesn't want to talk or isn't interested, I understand, I'll, not fucking say anything more and let 'em be, or, sympathize, empathize, etc, for 'em. But if they do this all the time, it's either depressing, or frustrating, to get something across the board, and not have to condone to the other person's (in this case, Kt) catalog of shit to talk about.
Finally, the key thing I want to talk about, is humor. From now on, if a person I wish to initiate a relationship with (I'm talking more than friends, here) doesn't have the same sense of humor as me (something slightly off is fine) or doesn't even make attempts to accept it, etc, then I don't even wanna mess with that shit. I'm being completely honest here, from my deepest feelings, whole-heartedly believe, that the reason for the friends that I have now, they are friends with me, or actually, I'm friends with them, is because 99.9% of us, share the same sense of humor. I can't think of anything else.
The VSA show day-show today went smoothly overall. I wasn't able to go all-all out, I went, about 99%, only because my hair was in the way of my eyes whilst disregarding my headband, but it was good. The highlight of it was not spending time with the people there, during in-between performance times at the theater, but it was the time AFTER, it all, when we had 3 hours to do, whatever. We were at school, in the theater, from 6:00 AM, to 2:00 PM. We then had one more show run-through from 5:00 PM to 7:00 PM. Within that 3-hour gap, from 2:00 PM to 5:00 PM, I could've went home, Cc could've went home, Vh could've went home, Vh's BF could've went home, rest, and show up back at 5:00 PM but uh, we didn't. We instead walked to a milk tea place, about a mile away from the school. We then walked back to the plaza located right around the corner of the school for pizza.
And then we walked back to the theater to sit back and wait for our performance time, and then left. That right there, that 3-hour interval of just me, Cc, Vh, and Vh's BF, just us 4, walking to and from long distances from and to school whilst enjoying food and drinks, telling the stupidest jokes known to man, of which we all laughed maniacally at, that made the whole show experience. I loved it more than anything else.
So yeah, that was the whole thing. 'Course there were others who made the show even better or, helped me cope with frustration and depressments (not a word), during it, like Jd, Ln, Rh, Tm, etc, but those are all a given. Anyways, tomorrow is a dress rehearsal from 5:00 PM to 7:00 PM again. I also don't have to wake up until about, 10:30 AM, so, that'll take some stress off my shoulders. I'll also only have periods 4, 5, and 6 tomorrow, which means I don't have to deal with periods 1, 2, or 3, giving me, some more leighway in terms of dealing with stress. And uh, the rest is, on its own from there.
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