Tuesday, April 25, 2017 "Don't Ask."

Tuesday, April 25, 2017
Week: 38
Songs to Remember: Love Me Like You Do (Cover) - ToppDogg, Strange - MASC, Luv Again - UNIQ, Let's Stop (그만하자) - Ignite (이그나이트)

        You know, the day I stop mentioning Kt on here, is the day that I think I'll finally be back to my old self.

        And I really want to be myself for when the series finale comes, heh. It's only 38 episodes left the end, the end of this all. And quite frankly, I don't really know how to end it all. I got some plans but, not sure how I'll, execute it all. Especially with 4 years (and maybe a bit more) of accumulated writing, work, thoughts, etc, I gotta compress all of that into a writing session.

        I'll basically have to write things beforehand, like pre-write some stuff, because, hooo man, if I were to write it all in one-sitting, I don't know when I'd be finished. Considering, after the last post, it'll have to be like, my last, last one. Ever. And then maybe I'll come back a year later or something to re-visit and give an update. But yeah, it's gonna be like 8 hours of continuous writing maybe and structure planning.

        I'm thinking of just going through the names of everybody in the yearbook, those who were at least relevant somewhat in the series, and I'd, just talk about 'em, thank 'em, etc. Which also reminds me, I'ma have to plan out stuff to say for the KDT end-social as well, which, is gonna be more thinking and writing, heh.

        Anyways, I'm hoping today, will be the last time I mention about Kt. Essentially, it's just been "all signs point to STOP." There has, has been nothing, no hints at all, from anybody, that this should continue. I think I'm over that it was my fault, because, I've been proven that it wasn't. Cc gave me a lot of food for thought after I gave her a heavy piece of writing on my thoughts last night. Some of the things she said was that, I was sorta in control in the start, but Kt in end, was the one in control, because sooner or later, the end result would've been the same. Also that, although it does seem rare to find other people like Kt, I just ain't looking hard enough. In fact, I don't even need to look hard at all, I just haven't met that many people yet, and you know what? That is actually, totally, fucking, right.

        Because guess what? About 85% of the people whom I currently know... go to my school. That's it. It's this like, bubble, and, you think that's, that's the whole population right there. But no, 1500 girls, is, that's not even close to anything to the actual number. There is still, so much more to learn. And it is true, that we all are young, dumb, and naive, as said by Ct. I do truly believe that. There's just, a lot. I'll answer a few more questions, I don't wanna get to deep because, for fuck's sake, pretty much everything's been covered. Literally, everything. You wanna see my thoughts on everything? Go read the past 30 posts.

        You may ask "Drew, why do you depend on Cc for most of this talk?" That is a good question. Cc has helped me from the very beginning. She provided me with what I wanted to know, opinions, just everything. The connection between me and Cc, I feel, is very strong. I've known her, and/or, interact with her more than anybody else in KDT. This whole mess started in KDT, she's in KDT, I'm in KDT, it makes sense. She's also probably one of Kt's most trusted sources, so, basically whatever Kt REALLY thinks, she tells it to Cc. And therefore, I get the truth through her. Cc is also a girl, which, gives a different side to the spectrum of perspectives. I don't know how it works but girls have this, this connection, that they have together. It's like "Oh, I know what you mean" sorta thing. And yeah on the spectrum thing, it eliminates the very irrational, the, "Id" (you know, in psychology, the ego, superego, and Id), of me, my, instinct way of thinking.

        Cc's also nice. Very nice. Kind. It's hard to hate her, I, I cannot imagine, how anybody can hate her. Very knowledgeable, rational, logical, reciprocative (not a real word). Most importantly: she is, the person I trust the most. Now why is that? To be honest, there are a lot more people who are on that same level or even, deserve my trust even more. But, considering how she just goes with the flow, never really has any reason to be malicious, is a master of her own mind (I'm hoping she is not going through any mental battles like I am right now. A person like her does not deserve that). And also the fact that she has given me, so much help. And and, even with her niceness, her innate kindness, if she really doesn't like somebody, aka, you know who (I'm not even sure if it's a "hate." Maybe more like a "intolerable" sorta feeling), then, there's gotta be major reasons why to that.

        It's like a "Oh shit, if she doesn't like her, or, tolerates her, there's gotta be something wrong." Like, I asked Cc is she was going to be doing anything tomorrow or the weekend, and she said, besides the Key Club performance, she ain't going anywhere during the weekend, and tomorrow she's just going to be staying home. I told her I thought she'd be invited to the celebration tomorrow (I didn't mention it was you know who's birthday, but Cc pretty much knew what I was talking about). She said it ain't really a celebration with just 2 people, and even if she was invited, she said she doesn't think she'd go. At this point I was confused because there were certainly more people that you know who would know or invite, like Mp and, etc. I was like "Wait what? Just 2 people? I figured there'd be more."
        I asked if we were talking about the same celebration and uh, yeah, we were. She said it was just 2 people, and if she were to go to, it would be just, a +1. So yeah, it really is, just two people. I asked her if she got this info directly. She confirmed it, and that it really is two people, and I can probably guess who the other person is. I was like "Aright, that's all I'm gonna ask." I, there's no use torturing myself anymore. No use, no benefit.

       And so, I'm going with that. I'm also taking some antidepressants. Nothing strong though, it's just 5-HTP in 200 mg doses daily, starting today. I had a good nap with it, I really did. If it's placebo or not, I don't care, as long as it works. It's 12:19 AM right now. I'll be heading outside and walking to the park across the school for a bit, to clear my mind. When I get back home I'll most likely be tired enough to go directly to sleep. Anyways, see ya.