Monday, April 24, 2017 "Easy to Say, Hard to Understand."

Monday, April 24, 2017
Week: 38
Songs to Remember: Easy Love - SF9, Strange - MASC

        I hate it. I just, I hate it. I wanted my life to be more like a drama, well here it is. I have so far, a whopping 30+ days, going into a month and a half, of drama.

        It ranged from physical, you know, on-screen visual action. But, it's since been internalized into characterization. It's, it's all in my head now. That's where all the drama is. Never, would I think, I would be at a point where I am at now, where I don't know myself. I've known myself for years, and right now, this is not myself. I would not be doing any of this right now, because this is not me.

        You know, I wish I could. I really wish I could just plug in all the thoughts, memories, emotions, in me, plug it into a computer and have it all be written out for me, like a diagnostic. Because I know I certainly cannot write it all out, let alone, say it verbally. It's, stupid, it really is stupid for all of this to be happening. And I do hate it. At this point, I just want to go back to my old self. At least then, I was enjoying what I usually enjoyed. You could see that in my older posts, where, how I loved performing, how I loved practices.

        Re-remember when I was so excited to for KDT in the beginning of this year, to interact with everybody again, new and old. And now look at me. I don't go to practiced because I want to dance. I go to them, expecting somebody else to be there instead. And yeah, it's to interact with my friends too, who I don't get to see at all in my classes, but, that's only, about 50% of it.

        One of the main reasons for this whole post project was to help others in case they ever gotten into a situation like mine's, and wanted to see my perspectives on things, and how it turned out for me. I was planning to release all of this to anybody who needed help or wanted it, that knew me. And, now I think I'm the one, who needs it. If I don't get better in the next two weeks, I'll release this to some of those who I trust, who have tried to help me recently, so I can get their opinions on things. 'Cause... I don't trust my own thoughts anymore, 'cause this ain't me.

         There was KDT practice today. I auditioned for three songs, only got in for Monster, which I was/is a teacher for, which is fine. I told Cc that I wanted to talk to her about some things later at night. I gave her a whole wall of text on my thoughts recently, some heavy stuff, especially on the thought of being on the border of being labeled "insane," because that's what I thought. She gave me some reflections about all this, which were very insightful, as always. I really hope I don't have to show all this to so many people, because at that point, I know that I'm at my very lowest. Very, very lowest.

        Anyways, it's 12:14 AM. I'm exhausted, both physically, and mentally. Danced too much. Thought too much. See ya.