Monday, April 10, 2017 "To Exist."

Monday, April 10, 2017

Week: 36

Songs to Remember: Really Really - WINNER

        I have not slept for over 24 hours. I know this is not healthy, and I really do I wanna sleep, even the slightest, but it seems I've developed insomnia.

        I hate my life. There I said it. Okay, well, I don't hate, I, hate the state that it's currently in. I woke up at 3:30 AM today for my teacher to drive me and another student to the DMV that's an hour away from here, in order for us to get practice around the course, up until our test time which is at 8:00 AM.

        I passed, with only 3 mistakes. Was I happy? I was, proud, but, not happy. My happiness would've came from Kt taking me back, but, unfortunate spoilers, she didn't. I got to the park, waited, and she arrived. We sat down, I told her, basically everything I could think of. What we've done so far, my feelings, what I would do differently, commonalities, my faults, etc. Just, everything. She, still offered to be friends if I wanted to, or not, if she'll cause me too much pain. I couldn't decide.

        The last question I asked her was if there was still a second chance, after prom. She said, she couldn't guarantee a time, or a chance. I wanted at least something to motivate me, but, I guess there's nothing now really. It's tragic, it really is a tragedy. Because now, there's nothing for me to do. Everybody's pretty much busy. The cast is having a birthday party for DrewN, but I don't think it's the right place for me. I'll probably depress the shit outta everyone.

        I told the cast that I wasn't able to take pictures for them either. Prom pictures, that is. It'll remind me too much of what could've been. I can't sleep, there's no motivation for me anymore. I simply just gotta, exist, for, who knows how long. Like, I was doing a better yesterday, because I did have motivation. I had the motivation to, better myself, on the off-chance that my conference with Kt would result in her giving me another chance. But, I guess not.

        I don't know if I'll be able to concentrate at school even. It sucks, it really sucks. I don't know what to do. I don't know. It's only 5:39 PM, and, I cannot sleep to make time go by faster. I hate all of this.

        EDIT: This post was supposed to end there. It's now 7:02 PM and I just had a revelation, a sudden change of heart, a new state of mind. I've since ran out of tears from the past few days. I think that crying really did work. I got the idea that, hey, maybe the good shit doesn't have to start within this school year, even though it is the last. I'm still banking on the summer. And nobody, nobody, wants to get with or interact with a depress-y dude. So my plan is: CARPE DIEM. I wanna make myself as the most trustworthy, most approachable person you will ever meet. That means, I gotta be positive. Also my mind kinda got tired of being depressed, so, yeah.

        It's 7:07 PM, I'ma get back to my motivational schedule. See ya.