Saturday, April 8, 2017 "Sorry."

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Week: 35

Songs to Remember: Because of You (NU'EST PRODUCE 101 Cover) - After School

        One of the most difficult things for me is saying sorry. Not like a "sorry I bumped into" or "sorry for spilling my water on the table" but an honest, deep, "I'm sorry."

        I'm sorry to Kt, who I disrespected. It is true that she plays dudes and does 180's behind masks. But with all the shit that's happened to her, I don't think she deserves it. I think, she's still trying to find the right person to click on everything that she likes. After an insane amount of thinking, I don't think she's to blame.

        I'm sorry to my fans. Even though they are, non-existant, heh, I'm kinda ruining the flow of this series. It wasn't like it was headed towards a brick-wall, it was swimmingly smooth. And it could've been ridden out smooth, had it not been for me, loving drama too much, and, un-purposely bringing movie drama into real-life.

        I'm sorry, to myself. I keep things under wraps. I have layers on layers, so many layers of feelings, I never get to express them. I'm vague, as Kt and some others have indirectly implied. I say I hate games, yet I'm the one who plays 'em. After switching side over side, never taking a real one-path to anything, i end up, at no path. I am, the biggest hypocrite I know.

        I'm thinking entirely on my heart here. That's something I haven't been using lately. Lately it's just been my head, my big- dumb, stupid head, and my male-instinct dick. After sending Kt that break-up text, last night I was still feeling, regretful. I took some time to think, a therapy session, I was expecting to feel better afterwards like "Hell yeah, that was a good decision, I don't need her." Well, after I was done, I still had that empty feeling, in my heart.

        I couldn't sleep. I  woke up in the morning, and she was still in my head. I couldn't focus on my driving lessons today, it was raining, I got barely any rest. I caved and I messaged her on Snapchat, that maybe I was a bit rash. I told her I, should've talked it out. Things could've been different had I talked it out instead of being vague and, beating around the bush on shit that was discomforting me. She said we could talk about later, and that reminded me that, yeah, today was the day of the VSA night-show performance.

        Which, is also apparently my last KDT performance here at school. There's no more shows, no more rally performances. All we got now is to prepare for Fanime and, other performance opportunities. Although there were some nice laughs in there, most of it, was spent with me being fucking emo about shit. It's easy to forget about somebody, but, not if they're seen around you every 5 minutes, interacting with others. I crossed the threshold to ask her if I could talk to her for a bit. I apologized, one of the hardest apologies I think I've ever had to do. Not hard as in, level, but, hard as in, I never thought I'd be apologizing like this.

        I told her I didn't mean it, that I was frustrated and stressed out, and that I hoped we could get back together. And that is true, all of it  I couldn't really hear what she said but I heard her mention something about being friends if I wanted, or not at all. And, I just said yeah to the friends thing, umm. It was, it didn't go the way I expected it to. And, I spent most of the time just thinking. Thinking, why, why do I feel this way, why did I do that, did I think it through, what do I have to do, what can I do. I got a lot of support, from Bp, Jd, Tm, Ln, and Rh, and, I can't thank 'em enough for that.

        During the break before the actual show, Bp invited me with Rh and Ln to go walk and get milk tea. I wasn't in the mood for milk tea though, so I used the time to think. And yes, I did walk. There was also a point where I was just sitting by myself, thinking over my actions, alone, on at table outside the theater. Rh saw me and messaged me if I wanted to talk, or if I'm one of those sit-by-myself types, and you bet I went over and sat with him and Ln. And even throughout the sadness, I still performed with my soul. That, cannot be changed, unlike, the other three.

        After the show, only a few of us went out to eat. It was me, Tm, Rh, Ln, Jd, Kt, Mp, and their group of friends. I tried my best to stray out of a sulking mood, but it was hard, considering she was sitting a seat away from me. We finished, and, uh, I could see that Kt was making an effort, to interact with me, despite, yeah. And that's, it lightens me but also saddens me. I was given a ride by Mp, whom, all of us (Rh, Ln, her, Kt, and me) were in. Rh offered us to sleep-over at his house, and I would've liked that, but, my mom said no. And we had already passed by my house, dropping the others off first, and so instead of turning back, Kt offered to take me home after getting to Mp's house.

        It was just me, Kt, and Mp. I was still not in the mood for anything, I, I could barely even speak. Kt's dad arrived, and uh, we rode back. I asked her if we would still be going to prom, and, uh, she had already asked her best friend to go with her instead. She said she'll talk to her about it though, but that she'll need some time. I was like "Yeah sure. Take as long as you need." And I could see, I deserved it.

        So what have I learned today? Well. When you think with just your head or your dick, you forget to think with your heart. And after making decisions with just your head and or dick, and you start using your heart again, it's gonna take a toll on you. I know if she were to allow me a second chance to continue this, if you can even call it a relationship, it won't last, but I know that. We both know that. I just, I just wanted it to last a little bit longer. It's 2:07 AM, see ya.