Monday, April 17, 2017 "My Coming of Age."

Monday, April 17, 2017

Week: 37

Songs to Remember: Not Today - BTS, I'm Not Kidding - SUHO, For All I Am - Lisa Smith

        You wanna know something? Kb is a strong dude. He got broken up with, stolen, saw his girl get asked out in a promposal, and has to withstand the PDA or whatever, during those KDT practices.

        I'm not sure how much he grieved though, but for a freshman, seeing him so lively even after all that, he is strong. Me? I always said I wanted my own coming-of-age movie, and, uh, I pretty much got it.

        You're all probably wondering what happened. Well, sorry to disappoint, but things did not go my way. Sad, I know, but there's also good that comes with this. Here's what happened. Yesterday, err, last night, I asked one of Kt's friends on Instagram (she doesn't know) about Kt. Finally got a reply, told her a synopsis of my perspective. She gave me some confirmed qualities about Kt, and told me I needed to talk to her.

        I told her "Uh, I already did. She, ain't gonna believe whatever I say." I was trying, making an effort, to get it through with her (Kt's close friend) that I already had talked to her, and if I do anymore, she'll be driven even more away. However, she insisted that I do, and she even told Kt that, she should talk to me. I uh, I had mixed feelings about all that, but with the help of Mp and Kt's friend, I was determined that, this was my last chance, and if I waited any longer, not sure what would come of that. Probably a lot of wasted time.

        I had a script ready, planned for today. I had Sc and Hy proof-read it, to make sure it seemed, good enough. They're like "Yeah, looks good. If she doesn't say yes to you from all this, then, nothing else will." Girls and guys have, really, really different minds, so, it's always nice to get opinions from the opposite side of the spectrum. The whole day I was pretty nervous, my heart was heavy, like, the hardest point was during lunch, when I couldn't find Kt anywhere, so I could talk to her.

        I originally was going to wait until after KDT practice, but, Mp said that she wasn't sure if Kt would be there or not, and Mp wasn't going either, so, that was a pretty big "NO" decision for me, to uh, wait until after practice. So I decided I needed to talk to her during lunch. I eventually found her towards the middle of lunch time. She was with a friend. I caught up with them, asked her if I could talk to her. She said she was busy right now, I was like "Sure, maybe another time," even though on the inside I was like "Oh my fucking, I just need 10 minutes." They walked into the theater, I walked back to the cast's table and told 'em I was gonna head to 5th period.

        It wasn't my 5th period though. Luckily I'm familiar, just a bit, with the teacher whom Kt T.A's for during her 5th period class. I was like "Hey Mr.Blank. I was in your Biology class, freshman year, in 3rd period, with us, Ms.Blank, when you were still helping teaching." He didn't recognize me, but he did say I probably grew a lot. A very, understandable dude. I asked him if it was okay if I could talk to Kt during SSR. He was like "Are you gonna upset her?" and I'm like "I hope not, I, those aren't my intentions, it's actually the opposite of that." "What's it about?" "Just uh, drama. A lot of drama, actually." "Is it boy and girl stuff?" "Yeah." "Alright, well, whatever happens, it's not the end of the world. If she rejects anything, respect her wishes, etc." "Once you're both here, I'll move you both to the teacher's room over there."

        I was like "Damn, he is one cool dude." I mean, he's already been through High school, he, basically knows what shit happens. Not sure if shit like this happens often, shit like, my situation, but I can, probably think of worse ones, so, heh. Anyways, I'm pacing around the top floor of the L-building, going over what I'm going to say. And of course, my heart was, racing. When the lunch bell rang, I uh, stayed outside a bit longer, and then when the final bell rang, I went back in, he pointed me to the couch inside the teacher's lab lounge. I'm sitting there, nervous as heck. Just sitting on that couch, waiting, just brings bad vibes, I don't know.

        Kt eventually comes in, finds me, and uh, we talk. I basically told her, all that I had to say. And uh, we exchanged truths, about things. We, asked each other questions, doubts, that we've had. It was, I got to know a lot. Although I, I basically did most of, most major things, of what I could, she just, couldn't take me back. Not because of trust (although maybe partially). She said things along the lines of "I'm not entirely straight, I'm just not looking for a relationship right now, you stressing about me stresses me out," etc. And of course, I'm sure for her, there's a lot more reasons than just that. I don't think there's one, definite reason.

        And from her perspective, I understand. She's going through, a very tough time. You got a mom, nagging her about grades (which, ehhhh), she has to be forced to sneak to practices, etc. [REDACTED], uhhh, [REDACTED], just a whole bunch of shit, that I probably will never get, because, I am a boy, and we are living in two different situations. I took Mr.Blank's advice, as well as my own, and respected that. I asked her if we could still go to prom, but by then she had already found somebody else to go with her, which, I still, don't know entirely if that is true, or not. I don't, it doesn't concern though. As long as she's fine with it, I'm fine with it, ya know. And she probably would say no, even if she didn't have a date. She also told me to take it as learning experience, since this was my first one. In my mind I was kinda, offended by that, like, "Hey I'm older than you, what do you mean by 'take this as a learning experience'?" But deep down, I did know, that this was all just, experiences.

        Having exhausted my resources, she got up, told me "You should get back to class" and left. I didn't get up immediately. It, took me about 10 seconds to process it all in like "Okay, she said no, this means you're done, Drew. That's it, you tried your best, this is an end to a chapter. New beginnings, DREW GET YOUR FUCKING ASS UP." And I proceeded to leave. Also Mr.Blank wrote me a pass to class, which was nice, even though my 5th period teacher doesn't care much for tardies because people come in wayyyy, later than I do.

        And I wasn't sad about it. Well, I mean of course I was sad, but it wasn't a depression sort of sad. It was like, deep sighs. It was just to reset myself, and I had to, I sighed so much. And by sigh, I mean, a long breathing action, through my nose, kind of sigh. I was, it was a really big weight off my shoulders. I began with spreading the positivity that finally was able to see the light, from my heart. I messaged Kt's friend about it, thanking her for, if it weren't for her, I wouldn't have been able to have done this. I thanked Mp for her companionship and how good of a friend she was. I thanked Cc for it too, because she was, hoooo boy, she was more deeply involved than anybody I'd imagine. I don't know.

        Saying all those thank-yous really seemed like fucking, suicide pre-thank-you's, heh, but uh, they did help. After 5th period though, with all this positivity, I did not want to be reminded of any negativity. I did not, want me and Kt to end off on a bad note. I managed to catch her during the 5th period walk time. I told her some last few things that I forgot to mention, she, seemed kinda tired and sick of it all, and to be honest, I was too. I told her it wasn't what she thought, I uh, I just wanted to let her know that I'm open to being friends, and if she didn't want it, I'd respect that. She did seem like she was in a hurry though, and just needed time away from the image of me, heh, so I let her go.

        I was feeling pretty, proud of myself. I noticed I even had more energy in Chinese. I was, there was no social anxiety whatsoever. KDT practice wasn't as stressful as I had thought. It really, it reminded me, all those who got me this far, even from last year. I can't thank 'em enough. I had so much energy, I channeled that into dancing, I think people had a great time.

        A couple things I wanna say about all this. This was, pretty much like a coming-of-age thing, heh. You have me, the naive main character, you gt the plot, the uh, problems, etc. You got the lowest points, high points, journeys, you got the grand-teacher that teaches me some wisdom (Mr.Blank in this case, which really did fit, heh). It's like, yeah, a Hero's Journey. Or if I prefer, a coming-of-age movie. Series. Whichever, heh.

        Although I did not try my best, this was close though, I did way more than what an average person would do in a situation like this. And that is something for me to be proud of. One last thing before this whole thing gets buried in a sea of memories. Wait I actually should save that for the last, last episode, it sounds like a really good closing. Okay well, I'll think of something else then. Before this whole chapter, this chronicle, gets buried in a sea of memories, I just wanna say: if a younger version of myself were to see my today, and I told him what I had just done in the past 30 days, he probably be like "Damn, you did all that? Holy fuck you turned out to be cool! Wait I mean, me!" or something like that, heh. I'd say my younger self would be proud.

        So what's going on now? What's happening next? Well, tomorrow and Thursday is SBAC testing for the juniors, which means, everybody else gets to sleep in until, like, until you gotta get to school by 12:00 PM or something. And then uh, and then Saturday is, prom, aka, the final movie for the whole series. I don't think anybody, could have predicted any of this. And if people couldn't predict this, then the rest of what happens on from here, is definitely gonna be a surprise. See ya.

        And to dispel the rumors, the one that people will "never know and are left wondering," the scribbled thing on that list that Kt made, it was actually to dye our hair. Also, just to note, it did rain today, a light rain, a  sprinkle. Sky was cloudy. Very, symbolic with all this. Alright, ya'll happy, heh? Alright, see ya.