Sunday, April 9, 2017 "Motipression."

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Week: 35

Songs to Remember: Never Ever - GOT7, My First and Last - NCT DREAM

        So last night I had a real good fucking cry. I don't have those often anymore, but when I do, I cry. A lot.

        I Snapchatted Kt once more about how there's probably no second chance for, is there, and uh, \ how my previous actions were, still, impulsive. And uh, that if I didn't say sorry before, that, I am sorry, and if I could go back in time and not do it, I would take that ability. Before I went to sleep, I saw that she sent me a Snap, but I waited until the morning to open it. And last night I could not, get her out of my fucking dreams.

        I eventually started having dreams of what that Snapchat she sent me was. In the morning when I had to wake up at 8:00 AM to get ready for my driving lessons, I opened it to a black screen with the words "I'm sorry." That was, I fucked up. Hard. I'm like "Well Drew. You are one messed-up person. You should ask someone if you could borrow their chromosomes for the next few months." I did my driving lessons, tomorrow I gotta wake up at 3:30 AM for free-way driving lessons, and then at 8:00 AM I'll be taking my driving test.

        I was still depressed, pretty much am. I wanted to message Kt again about the prom thing, if we were still going to prom, but, I think she'd be annoyed if I kept on asking. I agree, this is probably what she felt when I told her "I'll think about it" when she asked me to date. Very, very excruciating, just waiting, knowing that your fate's being decided somewhere over a period of time. I deserve it, yeah. At around 11:00 AM today, I received a Snap from her. On it, she said "I don't trust you" and although that statement sucks ass to hear (nobody wants to hear that), my eyes lit up. My soul, lit up.

        I Snapped her back, telling her that it's understandable if she doesn't trust me. I said that I wanna know what I can do to earn her trust, anything. I suggested maybe even a face-to-face talk where I can explain to her all my feelings and thoughts from start to finish, about everything, and, anything she wants to know. Yeah, I am desparate, I am begging. She has opened that Snap, but she still has yet to reply. It's 2:43 PM right now, and the days have been long. Especially today. I looked at the time when I wrapped up my breakfast and it was only like, 11:00 AM.

        I told myself, err, I promised myself, that, since there is no school for a whole week, you have no excuse, to not be productive. And that's what I want to do. She is my motivation. Clearly I'm not perfect, to her, or even to me. I want to get to that perfect-ness as close as possible (because we all know perfect does not exist). So I made myself a schedule of what I wanna do/ did already. I gotta eat as much as possible, get ride of my fucking, wrists that you can see my arm bone at. I wanna gain weight, not in fat, but in muscle. Of course you gotta gain some fat first, but, I'll be burning that along with my exercise.

        I'll be having a 4-minute full-body workout in the mornings, I'll be waking up early for that. Wash my face constantly, as well as constantly moisturize. Stand up, stretch whenever I feel like a sloth. Drink my daily in-take of 64 ounces of water, at least, each day. Do at least 200 push-ups every day, over the course of the day. I know what I have to do to change my ignorant mentality. And I know, what I have to do to change my personal view of myself, and that's through physicalaity. Because if Kt is merciful enough to change her mind, or at least agree to still go to prom with me, I want make sure I don't disappoint her. And most importantly, disappoint myself.

        I already fucked up once, and I learned from my mistakes. Oh I almost forgot to mention social media. Seeing people do shit through screens, is depressing, because unless you're there, or doing something equivalent to that, it's gonna bring you down. So, I'm cutting back on opening up the Facebook app. I'm cutting back on opening up Instagram and Snapchat. The only thing I'm leaving my phone on is for reading during dinner, messages, alarms, the time, and the next Snapchat from Kt.

        I gotta get some sleep early today 'cause I'll be waking at 3:00 AM. I wanna be awake to drive, heh. I'll finish my exercise, stretch, maybe begin to learn BTS' "Not Today" (for I am a co-teacher for teaching that song when we get back), and uh, eat and exercise. It's 2:53 PM, I'll do all that before eating dinner, some more health checks, aaand sleep. If there's one positive thing you can get from periods of depression, it's that, instead of letting expressing the sadness and going along with it, all droopy, frowny, and crying, and instead of changing that to anger, a fire, to keep you in place (a temporary fix), you can use it as motivation. Reverse the sadness. 'Cause that's what I'm hoping to do, right now. See ya.

        Just wanna mention that it's still only 3:00 PM, and yet I feel like I've done so, so much. Probably because I woke up early, on a day when there's no school for that matter. I do feel healthy, not even sleepy actually, even though last night I did sleep at 2:00 AM. Could just be a placebo effect, but if it gets me through sitting on my ass all day and being groggy as fuck when waking up, I'll take it. Anyways, see ya.

        And one, last last thing, I feel great. Not emotionally, heh, but physically, yeah. If I keep this up for the whole week, and up until maybe, who knows what the results will be. I am, definitely excited. The challenge here is not the pushups or amount of products I have, it's keeping up, that schedule. Anyways, now, see ya.