Week: 34
Songs to Remember: Cold Dust Girl (Gemini Club Remix) - Hey Champ!, Call On Me (Ryan Riback Remix) - Starley
There's a reason why I didn't post anything yesterday, and that was because I passed out sleeping for a few hours, after a waterfall of emotions.
And about 50% of it was pretty bad. Bad as in, bad emotions. Including today, I, don't use the word "depressed" very often, but this time I did feel depressed. And yes, you can call my hypocritical for all this, you can this "Drama Drew" time, because it does sound more dramatic than it actually is. That's all fine, and I agree. It's easy when it's just the mind thinking, but when it comes to the mind plus emotions, that's when things get mixed.
So let's get to it. As a disclaimer, I will be talking about some PG-13 stuff, I won't go too in-depth on it because that shit ain't needed here, and for the fact that I really, do not want to describe this sorta stuff in detail 'cause that's just, if I wanted to do that, I'd write a fanfiction. Anyways, let's get on with it. After school yesterday, Kt came over to my house once more. It was a Wednesday, meaning we get out at 2:00 PM. Kt has to be home by 5:30 PM, which meant that, we had a lot of time together in my room.
We started off with the usual of continuing on with watching that one K-Drama. My mom brought in food, we ate, and then, proceeded with the watching and the "cuddling." If you don't already know, for Kt's definition of "cuddling," it's, watching and relaxing, whilst making-out in-between some scenes or episodes. And that was what we did, however at about two points, it went farther than that when me and her took off our pants.
We still had underwear on though, no bare members or anything. There was a point when she was on top of me, we're both in our underwear by the way. Umm, the farthest point of it all, was when I hand my hand on her breast, another hand on her ass, we're side-to-side, parallel, still making out. My hand was under her shirt, by the way, and had she been uncomfortable with it, she would've moved my hand away or said something, but instead she lifted up her bra, and, yeah.
From there, I guess I had my hand now on her area down there, again, had she been uncomfortable, she'd have done something about it. Apparently I was rubbing it in an awkward motion so, she had her hand on my hand, and proceeded to show me how she wanted it to be rubbed, all whilst still making-out. She had her hand on my member, still on the outskirts of our underwear by the way, and uh, at one point it slowed down and we stopped.
And at another point, where she said something along the lines of "When do you think it's the right time to say 'I love you' to somebody?" I'm like "Aw fuck, here it comes." I wasn't really looking for an "I love you," at all. I didn't want, an "I love you," because after all that, I was like "I don't know how sex feels. But even with that sort of level of cuddling, I didn't feel anything." Why did I go along with all that, you may ask? I was trying to feel a connection. I have been trying for about, 2 weeks now after the initial first week of extreme, no-caring, caution.
But there's just, nothing there. She's boring, she just looks at pictures of animals and make-up on Instagram. She barely hangs out with anybody at school, err, people I'd even remotely share commonalities with, and they're pretty much 99% girls, which, in my case, would be a fucking lootbox, but considering I'm taken now, that ain't happening. She's also clingy. We walk every single, fucking day from 2nd period to break, and break to 3rd period. Then it's lunch to 5th period, and 5th period to 6th. I don't get to interact with others as often as before now with her around. They say that in a relationship (if you can even call it that), there's always one person who doesn't like the other person as much, as the person does for them, and I never thought I'd be the one to be, that person, of the former.
She said "I love you," and of course I had to respond with "I love you too." Afterwards, at around 8:00 PM or something, she Snapchatted me "I think we took it too far today ;-;" and I was like "I agree." To be honest, it was too far. But at the rate she was going, with the making-out at only two-weeks sorta shit, it ain't my fault. She said "I blame it on period hormones" and, yeah, I guess. I'm not an expert it at it, but, that played a role, if she wants. I did admit to my mistakes for leading it on too. I told her "If I knew you weren't comfortable then I wouldn't have gone on for as far as it was." She said "It's not your fault."
Sex is not even something I want anymore. This "cuddling" stuff? Get that shit outta my face. I felt incredibly tired yesterday night, probably because of all that fiasco. Nothing but, lust. It's just warm bodies. It's not like "Oh I've done this several times before, shit's gotten boring." Nope, this is all new to me. Everything in the past 3 weeks, it's all new to me. And uh, I can honestly say I do not like it. I tried liking her too, but I don't. Had I did (or do), then maybe this all would've been different. I felt sorry for her, for all the shit she's been through, and with all that sympathy, I forgot to feel sorry for myself.
I had high ambitions for these years of High school. From "So Don't be on with Her," to "Precisely Refined," I was always on this journey. Even in the, the side-thing I wrote back in "So Don't be on with Her." I talked about how the main goal was to, to get into a relationship. And well, here I am. Now this is where it gets hypocritical. I don't like it. "But Drew, this whole fucking time, you've been longing for one. Now that you have it, you don't want it anymore?" No, I don't. It's boring. I'd rather, interact with a shit ton of people on the off-chance that I do connect to someone, work for it over a series of weeks or months, rather than, having it handed to me on a silver-platter.
I honestly enjoyed it. It was thrilling, getting intel. It was fun reporting my day and recording the progress I made on building up familiarity with others. Going to dances (the very few that I did), it had the fun factor of "Oooh, what could happen? Shit could go down well for Drew, who knows, find out next on blah blah blah." It was unpredictable, and I liked it. Me and Jk, talking about ratings and shit like that. I miss that.
Me and Ec and the Discord group, talking about who we progressing with? I miss that. I liked being on the journey on that stuff, because even though I was on it for very long periods of time, I had high hopes. Now that I'm basically at the end of it, I just, there's nothing else to do. I imagined for a while that when I did get into that relationship I wanted, I would make that explosive post, talking all about it detail. And this, this all? Not something I'd be positive to talk about. It's, depressing, and uh, I really do not have high hopes for prom night. So what, it's just gonna be some more warm bodies? Is that it? Don't even know if that would change anything.
At least with like, asking somebody I've built up familiairty with over a course of time, ya know, that, I've put hard work into, motivation, determination, into, there's still that unpredictability factor at prom. Kt's basically put all her walls down and uh, everything's sorta predictable. I don't think she's breaking up with me anytime soon, but I'm hoping she does.
This upcoming week is gonna be horrible. I just want time, that's all I want. I got a KDT performance in the rally(s) tomorrow, I gotta teach some dances tomorrow, gotta study for the math final on Saturday, I got KDT practice after school, I got driving lessons after school too, on Saturday, I gotta wake up at 7:00 AM for the chance at some shoes, 8:00 AM for a math final which will take 4 hours, I got driving lesson during the day, and possibly hanging out with the Discord fam at night, because i haven't talked to them in a fair while now.
I'm just doing the bare minimum here. At home I just sit, and relax. And think. And before ya know it, it's 11:36 PM, and you wanna sleep, but you gotta dance. And you're, you're sleep deprived 'cause you're almost falling asleep in English class and Chinese class. These are definitely, a trudge, for me. See ya.
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