Saturday, March 18, 2017 "Party in the Dark."

Saturday, March 18, 2017
Week: 32
Songs to Remember: Right Here Right Now (Feat. 로꼬 & 박재범) - DPR LIVE, WITHOUT U (니가 없는데) - Romeo (로미오), SKIT (CHEEZE사리추가VER) - Giriboy (기리보이)

        Currently, there are two parties going on. One for a dude's birthday, at which many are at. And uh, another, a birthday party at Sc's buddy's house (the one who's also in my dance class), at which Bp and Rh and a whole bunch of others are at.

        Both parties contain alcohol, and ya'll already know how much I wanna get the full High school media experience by going to one of these. And how do I know how all this shit's going down? Snapchat, that's what. So yeah, it does bum me out that I'm sitting here at home instead of experiencing new shit. What also bums me out were the L's I took today.

        With all these W's (sorta) on Supreme and Palace, there's always gotta be some L's to go with 'em, and uh, I got some, some L's, today. Woke up at 6:30 AM to get on my PC and phone to get the chance to buy some $150 Nike Air Max 1 Atmos to re-sell for some crazy prices. Unfortunately my entry was not selected, so I went back to sleep, only to oversleep past my alarm, to 9:00 AM, which is also when KDT practice is supposed to start. I get there by 9:20 PM, people were busying practicing for evaluations, we start at 9:30 AM, dances pass and uh, I did my dance for Red Velvet's "Russian Roulette." I did the best, to my abilities, I mean I practiced for 2+ hours last night.

        Unfortunately it was not good enough, and also partly because the teachers taught the dance differently so, you gotta do it the way it was taught or else, ehhh, and so, on the list for the VSA show performance line-up, I am only in UNI5's "C'mon," and Seventeen's "Boom Boom," which, I mean, if it weren't for me being a teacher and getting guaranteed put-in for the dance, I might've not have gotten into any songs at all.

        But that's just me being pessimistic and underestimating my true abilities. On the bright side of it all, they did not release the rally line-up yet for us, and we might not even get in at all for it (KDT that is). So, I might still have a chance at getting to perform in the upcoming rally. The reason I'm banking on this is 'cause, the gym is bigger, so, more people can be accepted into the dance line-ups than usual performance line-ups (due to stage space limitations).

        Other than all that, there was nothing much else today. I finished, I finished Chinese work. Yes, Kt was at KDT practice today. I'm still, I still do things with her half-heartedly. I just do it to do it, not, because I really feel anything. I don't know, maybe this is my conscience saying "Alright Drew, you asked for it, here it is. Now, doesn't really feel too good, does it." I distinctively remember that, a while ago, I said that I just need some social security (not the number) and plans would mellow out, that I would be able to focus on other things more, effectively, 'cause one of my needs would be fulfilled . I would feel secure, knowing that, I would have at least one person I can fall back on, if I'm left with nothing but one other person.

        Actually putting school stuff to use for once, heh. I was like "Doesn't this apply to that one 'needs' pyramid thing from Psychology." Yep, it does. Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Currently I'm on the level of "love and belonging" as well as "esteem." Working on both right now, as we speak. Cannot wait to get to that self-actualization. Now that's, that's when I can be the best I can be.

        So. I was going to end this post approximately, 4 hours ago. It's 1:45 right now, and, I got some more info to tell. Sc (not sure if I mentioned this shit before, probably, not have), about, I don't know, a week ago maybe, told me that Kt was, taken advantage of, sexually, before in her life (or "rape" as what Sc said. That word just sounds very harsh to me so I don't, I don't really like saying it. Kinda hypocritical since I say fuck so much but, shit like this I take on a more personal level). She told me the one responsible for that was this one dude that tried to slide into Sc's DM's for sex (he goes to another school, by the way, but has performed in some of the same shows as KDT. Most of us know him). I should've asked her for the source, but it's whatever. Sc is in my list of one of the most trustworthy people I know, so I do believe her.

        And just about an hour or so ago, I got my confirmation first-hand. Kt and I were talking (messaging of course), about today's intimateness. Joking around, playfully, of course. She was like "I gave you so many kisses, you only gave me like 4," and I was like "It's okay, I'll give you like, 40 that, when Tuesday and Thursday come." Then she was like "alright, only if you're comfortable with that." I'm like "Yeah I'm comfortable with it, it's only if YOU'RE comfortable with it." She's like "I'm comfortable with everything." I'm like "Oh hey, what a coincidence, I'm comfortable with everything too." I could sense that this shit was gonna delve into discussion of some form of intimicy, and uh, I was right.

        She was like "What have you done to be comfortable?" And that uh, that question did stump me, so I went with my usual Drew expression of "Idk," and handed the question to her. "What have you done to be comfortable?" She says "Everything I guess," and uh, I said "yeah same goes for me pretty much," only because I really am comfortable with everything. Usually when it comes to people, I worry more about them than I do myself, heh, in complete honesty. And in a complete turn from light to, heavy dark, she inquires "O you lost your virginity?"

        Now by everything, I, it was kinda implied but, I, didn't think she'd outright ask that. I said tried to make it sound like a "Please don't make me answer this question," and returned the question to her (which is sorta not really difficult since, she does seem to like to talk a lot about herself, which is fine, I like hearing others talk). She explained how she did sadly lost hers already. In my mind I'm like "So, it, it is confirmed huh." I didn't want to make her any more uncomfortable than she might've been talking 'bout this shit (even though she brought it up. Probably wanted to vent and let it out. Also might've probably been another passage for that, rape rumor to spill out).

        I only asked "What do you mean by sadly?" before she moved on to venting 'bout how she wants to protect her older sister since even she makes the same mistakes as her (which I can now piece together from that one time of how she told me she was giving advice to her sister about her sister's boyfriend). She replied with "Peer pressure" and that point I was thinking like "It is sadly, definitely confirmed."

        After hearing all that, I felt like I, I mean I was, I was sad for her. Like, I was like "Fuck..." It just, it just hit me with like a wave of depression, it made me think of all the bad shit people have thought or said about her, about how she, I guess, move from guy to guy because they seem untrustworthy, about how, she has had to change the way she behaved due to shit like this, and even, about how I was gonna fucking end her social life by roasting her based on one event and several rumors. I've known Kt for only, 2 weeks now I think, to the point where she feels comfortable enough to give me cheek-kisses, heh, but I'm guessing that's close enough.

        I think it's safe to say I know a lot about her than others might from just, rumors. Rumors, as small as they are, they apparently impact me a lot, heh, 'cause uh, shit might've hit the fan had I not take it slow (and or heed to my own niceness and Cc's advice). But yeah, it's 2:50 AM, we've been sending messaged back and forth, it finally stopped for now 'till morning (which it is but you get what I mean). You know I never thought I'd experience being in relationship with somebody who's had this sorta background before, heh, it's, it is crazy!

        And it can only get crazier from here. See ya.