Saturday, April 29, 2017
Week: 38
Songs to Remember: Moves Like Raindrops - kmlkmljkll, Strange - MASC, Hook가 - HIGH4:20
Today has been so long, it really felt like the whole weekend. But no, there's still tomorrow, still Sunday, and uh, still gonna be waking up before 8:00 AM, let alone 11:00 AM.
But it was different, a very interactive experience. I couldn't ask for a better distraction. So, the morning started off with waking up at 6:30 AM to try our (my cousin and I's) luck at getting the new Yeezy's online. Those sites, however, were heavily traffic'd, and, we were not able to grab any. We had Burger King for breakfast, got driven to the BART station that's 15 minutes away to go to San Francisco to pick up my Yeezy's.
This was my first time riding the BART, and uh, yeah, not pretty, heh. Well, it went fine, but, you know the people, it's, it's public transportation, like what was I expecting? The trip took about an hou until we finally arrived in SF. The Adidas store was located right outside the station, so that was pretty convenient. And man, was the line, long. In actuality, the hour we spent in that line could've went by much faster, had the store's code-scanning software "functioned" properly. Otherwise, we would've been out maybe 20 minutes in.
The BART trip back took another hour, I had my dad pack our stuff in the car when he picked us up so he can drive us straight to the Bay Area sneaker convention. The line there though, was even longer. A whole hour wait, again. It, really felt like Anime Expo, heh. Not the waiting, well, yeah the waiting too, but like, everybody, was stunting. Everybody was wearing Yeezy's, Nike, Adidas, etc. It was, like cosplay, but, stunting at the same time. Stunt-play.
We finally got in, we actually met up with my cousin's friends,3 of 'em. At first I was kinda ehhh about 'em, but turns out they can relate to me pretty well, and me to them, since, like, we all share the same knowledge about stuff/interests, like video-games and clothing. Pretty neat. Inside, when we finally got inside, there was like, it was crazy. Huge line to meet Qias, a YouTuber, uhhh, basically every single sneaker YouTuber was there. Umm, we went, to, start selling our shit. My shit, actually, my Yeezy's, my clothing, etc. My cousin and his friends helped me out quite a bit.
To sell, you basically either post-up at spot, and just, sit there and have people take a look at what you got. Or, you can go around, with a shoe in your hand, and see if anybody takes interest to it. I'd say selling is sorta difficult here because there are two factors: the type of shoe itself, and the sizing. Oh man, the sizing. Apparently medium was not the average shirt size there, and neither was size 9 in shoes, heh. We eventually posted-up, sat and sold for about 45 minutes or so. We were able to sell 1 item, out of my, well two actually, out of, set of maybe 10 pieces. It was a headband, about $10 above retail, and my Yeezy's, which I sold for $440, which considering it just came out today, was a size 7.5, and is more common than the Black & Red V2's, it's not too shabby.
After the wait, we packed up, walked around for a bit. Took some pictures with some of the YouTubers there, and then headed out. It was, crazy, to see all those shoes, items, people, all in one place. Makes you feel kinda minuscule compared to them, but that makes it more fun I guess. My cousin's friend drove all of us to the mall near my house afterwards. We shopped and looked around, and ate there as well. Yeah my diet lately has not been the best, as it's been consisting of flavored drinks and fast food. But you gotta live a little sometimes, ya know, ya gotta live a little.
Oh and I forgot to mention, while my cousin and I were in San Francisco, standing in line outsie the Adidas store, a lot of people passed by. I got a glimpse of the kind of people roaming higher-SF and uh, they were, I found a lot of 'em to be like, wow. Wow as in, wow, "Man, fuck them kids bro. Look around bro. Look at life. You see, you see these fine bitches over here." Yeah I see 'em. I was like "Wow, you know, there's shit-ton of people I've never met yet." I, I barely know like, 500 maybe right now that I can name. Probably even less than that. I still got more years, of, my youth. Young-adult youth, that is. There's more to come. People that is, and years too I guess, heh.
Anyways, after fucking around in the mall a bit, we got Starbucks, uhh, actually talked to an old KDT member, who was a senior last year there. I never really talked to her, but, she remembered my name, so that was cool. Umm, when we all done with whatever, my cousin's buddy drove us back to our house, and, my cousin got picked up after that to go home, and, now it's just me here, with, a lot of clothes on the floor, and, it's 11:52 PM, and, I got 7 minutes of dance to learn.
Also waking up at 8:00 AM tomorrow, and staying at school until around 8 PM, for the performance. Gonna be long, gonna be, definitely long. And, definitely looking forward to the KDT "Prom" as well as the lunch break where lots of laughter will ensue. Hopefully. And so, see ya.
Saturday, April 29, 2017
Friday, April 28, 2017 "Safe 11."
Friday, April 28, 2017
Week: 38
Songs to Remember: Strange - MASC, Moves Like Raindrops - kmlkmljkl
Forgot post something for yesterday because my cousin came on over to sleep over for sneaker con tomorrow (which is now today). Overall not a bad day, however I was tired. Really tired. Walked to Safeway and 7/11 from my house with him, took some pictures at this cool spot I found when I took that late night walk a couple days ago. Very tired. See ya.
Week: 38
Songs to Remember: Strange - MASC, Moves Like Raindrops - kmlkmljkl
Forgot post something for yesterday because my cousin came on over to sleep over for sneaker con tomorrow (which is now today). Overall not a bad day, however I was tired. Really tired. Walked to Safeway and 7/11 from my house with him, took some pictures at this cool spot I found when I took that late night walk a couple days ago. Very tired. See ya.
Friday, April 28, 2017
Thursday, April 27, 2017 "Metamorph."
Thursday, April 27, 2017
Week: 38
Songs to Remember: Strange - MASC
Nothing really much to say about school. I mean, 5th period was just us entirely, on our phones. However, there was something that was different: some peace of mind, and change. And something to cross of my list of things High school staples.
Now I've been interacting with Sc lately, and by that I mean, as of this week, and often than usual. My original "plan" with the whole Snapchat thing, is actually also an old trick in the book (not the way I intended it to though). You ask somebody "Hey, I wanna make this person jealous, hang out with me, etc." And only until like, today, was I like "Huh. I guess it can be seen like that." It wasn't my intention though, but it can work.
And no, I don't intend on hooking up with Sc. I'd think of it like a sidequest. If it were to happen, that'd be cool, ya know, awesome. If not, then, nothing really bad happens, heh, it's just like, as friends, still pretty fucking good in my opinion, 'cause Sc's pretty sincere, and, uh, enthusiastic. Not sure of the words right now, umm, approachable? Even though I have known her for a while too. Anyways, yeah, heh.
As you all know, I'm still not 100% me, I am, building up to there. Today I got the push I need to continue in that direction, for, kinda, for good. I talked to my AP Psychology teacher from last year about my recent situation. Didn't get out all the details I had wanted, but it was enough for her to give me some good advice. And like, some of it, I had never even thought of, because I was thinking too hard, heh. Such as, the reason for some of the lies, was, maybe because she didn't want to hurt my feelings, which makes sense. There was also some stuff that I even thought myself, but thought that they weren't really, rational, or whatever, but she confirmed it, that, the stuff I did was understandable.
Being a Psychology teacher really does help with coming up with solutions and whatnot. Umm, it was all very insightful. I especially liked how, to show how minuscule all of this really is, uh, she gave me an example of her life, of how, it just takes luck, and time, for things to fall into place for you to act. There's just a lot of factors, and, you know, this is just High school. There's definitely a lot more, than just the school's population.
She also gave me some possible reasons, for, you know who's actions, which did help clarify and rationalize things more for me. I really respect her, my teacher of course, for, helping me out with this. But in the end, ya know, if you gave it your all, and you still get two no's, hey, what can you do? I think this'll be the last time I talk about Kt here. This whole experience gave me, well, a lot of experience, heh, and it definitely helped me accomplish some stuff that I always wanted to do whilst being here, the 4 years here.
And to add to that, I stayed at my Jk's house today after walking there, so as to dye my hair. Didn't really turn out how I wanted, didn't really know what I was doing, uh, finished the job here at home. That right there's something I've wanted to do for a long time, and well, time to cross that off the list, heh. Yeah, dying hair's cool, but this one's symbolic for me 'cause it represents change. I know, I know, sounds kinda sappy and an excuse to finally dye my hair, but what better time than now, when, I'm young, dumb, naive, and maturing as I go?
Pink, by the way. It is pink. Now a little talk about dying hair, uhhh, it's, not a big problem, heh. Some people may think it's just to garner more attention, or whatnot, and uh, in my opinion it really is. That, and to distinguish yourself among others. Because nowadays, being yourself or being different is kinda, hard, -ish, or looked down upon or whatever. So, what better way to stand out than by allowing yourself to be more identifiable if you were in a "Where's Waldo?" puzzle, heh? So if you want to be distinguished from others, go ahead. If not, if you don't really care, ain't no biggie. And for me, for fuck's sake, there's like 2 other people at my school with the same first and last name as me, I gotta do something for people to identify with, other than "Drew? The one in KDT?"
Anyways, tomorrow's gonna be pretty fun. There's KDT practice, plus my cousin's coming over to my house to sleep over for we will be going to Sneakercon on Saturday morning, as well as picking up my all-white Yeezy's in San Francisco. It's 12:48 AM, see ya.
Week: 38
Songs to Remember: Strange - MASC
Nothing really much to say about school. I mean, 5th period was just us entirely, on our phones. However, there was something that was different: some peace of mind, and change. And something to cross of my list of things High school staples.
Now I've been interacting with Sc lately, and by that I mean, as of this week, and often than usual. My original "plan" with the whole Snapchat thing, is actually also an old trick in the book (not the way I intended it to though). You ask somebody "Hey, I wanna make this person jealous, hang out with me, etc." And only until like, today, was I like "Huh. I guess it can be seen like that." It wasn't my intention though, but it can work.
And no, I don't intend on hooking up with Sc. I'd think of it like a sidequest. If it were to happen, that'd be cool, ya know, awesome. If not, then, nothing really bad happens, heh, it's just like, as friends, still pretty fucking good in my opinion, 'cause Sc's pretty sincere, and, uh, enthusiastic. Not sure of the words right now, umm, approachable? Even though I have known her for a while too. Anyways, yeah, heh.
As you all know, I'm still not 100% me, I am, building up to there. Today I got the push I need to continue in that direction, for, kinda, for good. I talked to my AP Psychology teacher from last year about my recent situation. Didn't get out all the details I had wanted, but it was enough for her to give me some good advice. And like, some of it, I had never even thought of, because I was thinking too hard, heh. Such as, the reason for some of the lies, was, maybe because she didn't want to hurt my feelings, which makes sense. There was also some stuff that I even thought myself, but thought that they weren't really, rational, or whatever, but she confirmed it, that, the stuff I did was understandable.
Being a Psychology teacher really does help with coming up with solutions and whatnot. Umm, it was all very insightful. I especially liked how, to show how minuscule all of this really is, uh, she gave me an example of her life, of how, it just takes luck, and time, for things to fall into place for you to act. There's just a lot of factors, and, you know, this is just High school. There's definitely a lot more, than just the school's population.
She also gave me some possible reasons, for, you know who's actions, which did help clarify and rationalize things more for me. I really respect her, my teacher of course, for, helping me out with this. But in the end, ya know, if you gave it your all, and you still get two no's, hey, what can you do? I think this'll be the last time I talk about Kt here. This whole experience gave me, well, a lot of experience, heh, and it definitely helped me accomplish some stuff that I always wanted to do whilst being here, the 4 years here.
And to add to that, I stayed at my Jk's house today after walking there, so as to dye my hair. Didn't really turn out how I wanted, didn't really know what I was doing, uh, finished the job here at home. That right there's something I've wanted to do for a long time, and well, time to cross that off the list, heh. Yeah, dying hair's cool, but this one's symbolic for me 'cause it represents change. I know, I know, sounds kinda sappy and an excuse to finally dye my hair, but what better time than now, when, I'm young, dumb, naive, and maturing as I go?
Pink, by the way. It is pink. Now a little talk about dying hair, uhhh, it's, not a big problem, heh. Some people may think it's just to garner more attention, or whatnot, and uh, in my opinion it really is. That, and to distinguish yourself among others. Because nowadays, being yourself or being different is kinda, hard, -ish, or looked down upon or whatever. So, what better way to stand out than by allowing yourself to be more identifiable if you were in a "Where's Waldo?" puzzle, heh? So if you want to be distinguished from others, go ahead. If not, if you don't really care, ain't no biggie. And for me, for fuck's sake, there's like 2 other people at my school with the same first and last name as me, I gotta do something for people to identify with, other than "Drew? The one in KDT?"
Anyways, tomorrow's gonna be pretty fun. There's KDT practice, plus my cousin's coming over to my house to sleep over for we will be going to Sneakercon on Saturday morning, as well as picking up my all-white Yeezy's in San Francisco. It's 12:48 AM, see ya.
Thursday, April 27, 2017
Wednesday, April 26, 2017 "Moving Ways."
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
Week: 38
Songs to Remember: Strange - MASC, Love Me Like You Do (Cover) - Topp Dogg
One of the more major days of this whole craze. Umm. I don't want to get into the details of it all too much because if I do I'll just move more steps back.
Basically, I've been making progress. Not a whole lot, but some, and by some, I mean, just the littlest of bit. Every time I think clearly and just, go with things for what they are, I move forward. I step forward. Steps, into the right direction, where I want to go, away from the past. But, every time my wanders, every time I end up thinking too much about things, ask for information on what's going on on the other end, or succumb to looking at social media for information myself, I move backwards.
Currently it's been nothing but 2 steps forward and 1.99 steps backwards. But that 0.01 step forward, it's something. I think the time, the time that's passed, as well as the 5-HTP, have helped. I, I know for a fact that I'm not close to the lows as I was before. I'm, still feeling low, yeah, but not as bad as before. My mind recently has thought more rationally as well. It's usually thoughts that question, the motives, uh, of the other party. My mind can't wrap around that, it's just, so inconsistent, it doesn't make sense.
However, I've tried to stop it from seeking out answers that will only contribute to me moving backwards. I've basically just, come to accept it that things are irrational from those standpoints, and leave it at that. Because that's one thing that's also helping me out right now too, the fact that, my mind, was thinking rational. -Ish, heh. I think the, the "better time than you" route really is working. I mean, I like it. It makes me feel stronger than before. Umm, and I've been interacting a lot more with people I never really interacted much with, like Hk and Sc in my dance class. This week so far, I do look forward to that, heh. Cc asked me what classes I looked forward to every day, and to be honest, there's none besides Dance.
Only because, there are actually cool people in there whom I talk to, compared to my other classes, but you get what I mean. If you guys want an update on things, like, a refresh button, well there is something that happened, and I'm only talking about this because I know this won't move me backwards. This past week I've been taking pictures with Sc to, to spite you know who. Well, not sure if spite is the right word. You could say to make envious, jealous, uh, but, originally it was to show "Hey, look how fun I'm having with a cool person, like Sc." Today, yes, it was you know who's birthday.
And, uh, last night, when I was asking Cc about the celebration, she said "If you don't get it now, you will." And, I kinda do. Everybody, could've guessed how today could've gone. The uh, hidden events, that probably happened. But back to what I was saying, I'm guessing she got sick of me shoving pictures of me and Sc down her throat that she un-added me from Snapchat. I'm like "So... that's how it's gonna be huh?" I'd say I got a different reaction to what I originally planned, but it's a reaction nonetheless.
The thing is, if I were to even add her back again, uh, she probably won't accept it, heh. So now, I, I basically can keep Jk's promise now. Forever, because I can't look at you know who's Snapchat story, ever again, heh. And this is, moving forward, I am, uh, from that happening, moving forward. Some other things, to help me with that, from today, was, uh, I got lucky, a 2nd time, and won a reservation for the new all-white Yeezy 350 V2's. Which means, I'ma have to add San Francisco to our my cousin and I's trip on Saturday, so I can go pick 'em up.
That's, about a $600 profit, if I choose to sell 'em. I gotta say, it revitalized my dying hobbies/interests of shoes and fashion. It was dying because stuff like this, I just felt it was all, uh what's the word? Like, monetary, uh, physical assets that only affect the outside, I can't think of it right now. I was more worried about what I had with me since I was born, rather than something that, doesn't really change my personality or whatever. No, real benefits. But with this win today, it just showed me that "So what? It's a fucking hobby, a fucking interest. It makes you, YOU, Drew." And you know what? I am right about that. I was into it, since the beginning of the year, and, there was no reason to stop it.
I've said it before that letting things out, talking it out, having somebody listen, is much better than keeping things bunched up inside, and I believe it's true, only because I experience this multiple times recently. I figured I wanted some more, some more insight on my situation, what was happening, etc, what's with me and thinking with my head, heart, etc, and so, I'm planning to talk to my old AP Psychology teacher tomorrow after school or something. Now I don't think she's certified to give anybody like, professional advice, but, she's essentially a psychologist in my opinion, heh. She at least, can explain, why I think the way I do. Be able to rationalize it all for me.
She also has a window into the situation, recent, situation, just a little bit, considering 1st contains, 2, including the guest of honor, ahem. So, hopefully I can get some new insight on this all. That's, about it for what I wanted to say on this mess. Tomorrow, there's uh, I got a talk with my teacher, an English test, some dances to learn (by some I mean a lot). Friday, my cousin's coming over, there's KDT practice as well. Saturday is the trip to two cities, a sneaker convention, as well as shopping for Sunday's KDT Key Club performance.
I don't care much about the performance, I care more about the little "KDT Prom" thing we're having before the show, which is going to be just us dancing for fun to songs, to show off, whatever, etc. I've been meaning to show some dances and songs that I absolutely love. How do I know they're so good? I can't get sick of 'em. I'm still listening to one from back in season like what? Season 2 or 3 or something, of this series.
I'm also going to be attempting to do something tomorrow, something I've always wanted to do, and that is to dye my hair. I'm not gonna lie, it is K-Pop inspired. But um, heh, this time it's for a reason. It's, symbolic for me, because it represents how I've changed, and how I want to change, I want to move forward too, and a cool way to start that is with a new image. Not just for others, but, for me, whenever I look in the mirror.
Anyways, we'll see how things go for the rest of this week. It's 12:32 AM, see ya.
Week: 38
Songs to Remember: Strange - MASC, Love Me Like You Do (Cover) - Topp Dogg
One of the more major days of this whole craze. Umm. I don't want to get into the details of it all too much because if I do I'll just move more steps back.
Basically, I've been making progress. Not a whole lot, but some, and by some, I mean, just the littlest of bit. Every time I think clearly and just, go with things for what they are, I move forward. I step forward. Steps, into the right direction, where I want to go, away from the past. But, every time my wanders, every time I end up thinking too much about things, ask for information on what's going on on the other end, or succumb to looking at social media for information myself, I move backwards.
Currently it's been nothing but 2 steps forward and 1.99 steps backwards. But that 0.01 step forward, it's something. I think the time, the time that's passed, as well as the 5-HTP, have helped. I, I know for a fact that I'm not close to the lows as I was before. I'm, still feeling low, yeah, but not as bad as before. My mind recently has thought more rationally as well. It's usually thoughts that question, the motives, uh, of the other party. My mind can't wrap around that, it's just, so inconsistent, it doesn't make sense.
However, I've tried to stop it from seeking out answers that will only contribute to me moving backwards. I've basically just, come to accept it that things are irrational from those standpoints, and leave it at that. Because that's one thing that's also helping me out right now too, the fact that, my mind, was thinking rational. -Ish, heh. I think the, the "better time than you" route really is working. I mean, I like it. It makes me feel stronger than before. Umm, and I've been interacting a lot more with people I never really interacted much with, like Hk and Sc in my dance class. This week so far, I do look forward to that, heh. Cc asked me what classes I looked forward to every day, and to be honest, there's none besides Dance.
Only because, there are actually cool people in there whom I talk to, compared to my other classes, but you get what I mean. If you guys want an update on things, like, a refresh button, well there is something that happened, and I'm only talking about this because I know this won't move me backwards. This past week I've been taking pictures with Sc to, to spite you know who. Well, not sure if spite is the right word. You could say to make envious, jealous, uh, but, originally it was to show "Hey, look how fun I'm having with a cool person, like Sc." Today, yes, it was you know who's birthday.
And, uh, last night, when I was asking Cc about the celebration, she said "If you don't get it now, you will." And, I kinda do. Everybody, could've guessed how today could've gone. The uh, hidden events, that probably happened. But back to what I was saying, I'm guessing she got sick of me shoving pictures of me and Sc down her throat that she un-added me from Snapchat. I'm like "So... that's how it's gonna be huh?" I'd say I got a different reaction to what I originally planned, but it's a reaction nonetheless.
The thing is, if I were to even add her back again, uh, she probably won't accept it, heh. So now, I, I basically can keep Jk's promise now. Forever, because I can't look at you know who's Snapchat story, ever again, heh. And this is, moving forward, I am, uh, from that happening, moving forward. Some other things, to help me with that, from today, was, uh, I got lucky, a 2nd time, and won a reservation for the new all-white Yeezy 350 V2's. Which means, I'ma have to add San Francisco to our my cousin and I's trip on Saturday, so I can go pick 'em up.
That's, about a $600 profit, if I choose to sell 'em. I gotta say, it revitalized my dying hobbies/interests of shoes and fashion. It was dying because stuff like this, I just felt it was all, uh what's the word? Like, monetary, uh, physical assets that only affect the outside, I can't think of it right now. I was more worried about what I had with me since I was born, rather than something that, doesn't really change my personality or whatever. No, real benefits. But with this win today, it just showed me that "So what? It's a fucking hobby, a fucking interest. It makes you, YOU, Drew." And you know what? I am right about that. I was into it, since the beginning of the year, and, there was no reason to stop it.
I've said it before that letting things out, talking it out, having somebody listen, is much better than keeping things bunched up inside, and I believe it's true, only because I experience this multiple times recently. I figured I wanted some more, some more insight on my situation, what was happening, etc, what's with me and thinking with my head, heart, etc, and so, I'm planning to talk to my old AP Psychology teacher tomorrow after school or something. Now I don't think she's certified to give anybody like, professional advice, but, she's essentially a psychologist in my opinion, heh. She at least, can explain, why I think the way I do. Be able to rationalize it all for me.
She also has a window into the situation, recent, situation, just a little bit, considering 1st contains, 2, including the guest of honor, ahem. So, hopefully I can get some new insight on this all. That's, about it for what I wanted to say on this mess. Tomorrow, there's uh, I got a talk with my teacher, an English test, some dances to learn (by some I mean a lot). Friday, my cousin's coming over, there's KDT practice as well. Saturday is the trip to two cities, a sneaker convention, as well as shopping for Sunday's KDT Key Club performance.
I don't care much about the performance, I care more about the little "KDT Prom" thing we're having before the show, which is going to be just us dancing for fun to songs, to show off, whatever, etc. I've been meaning to show some dances and songs that I absolutely love. How do I know they're so good? I can't get sick of 'em. I'm still listening to one from back in season like what? Season 2 or 3 or something, of this series.
I'm also going to be attempting to do something tomorrow, something I've always wanted to do, and that is to dye my hair. I'm not gonna lie, it is K-Pop inspired. But um, heh, this time it's for a reason. It's, symbolic for me, because it represents how I've changed, and how I want to change, I want to move forward too, and a cool way to start that is with a new image. Not just for others, but, for me, whenever I look in the mirror.
Anyways, we'll see how things go for the rest of this week. It's 12:32 AM, see ya.
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
Tuesday, April 25, 2017 "Don't Ask."
Tuesday, April 25, 2017
Week: 38
Songs to Remember: Love Me Like You Do (Cover) - ToppDogg, Strange - MASC, Luv Again - UNIQ, Let's Stop (그만하자) - Ignite (이그나이트)
You know, the day I stop mentioning Kt on here, is the day that I think I'll finally be back to my old self.
And I really want to be myself for when the series finale comes, heh. It's only 38 episodes left the end, the end of this all. And quite frankly, I don't really know how to end it all. I got some plans but, not sure how I'll, execute it all. Especially with 4 years (and maybe a bit more) of accumulated writing, work, thoughts, etc, I gotta compress all of that into a writing session.
I'll basically have to write things beforehand, like pre-write some stuff, because, hooo man, if I were to write it all in one-sitting, I don't know when I'd be finished. Considering, after the last post, it'll have to be like, my last, last one. Ever. And then maybe I'll come back a year later or something to re-visit and give an update. But yeah, it's gonna be like 8 hours of continuous writing maybe and structure planning.
I'm thinking of just going through the names of everybody in the yearbook, those who were at least relevant somewhat in the series, and I'd, just talk about 'em, thank 'em, etc. Which also reminds me, I'ma have to plan out stuff to say for the KDT end-social as well, which, is gonna be more thinking and writing, heh.
Anyways, I'm hoping today, will be the last time I mention about Kt. Essentially, it's just been "all signs point to STOP." There has, has been nothing, no hints at all, from anybody, that this should continue. I think I'm over that it was my fault, because, I've been proven that it wasn't. Cc gave me a lot of food for thought after I gave her a heavy piece of writing on my thoughts last night. Some of the things she said was that, I was sorta in control in the start, but Kt in end, was the one in control, because sooner or later, the end result would've been the same. Also that, although it does seem rare to find other people like Kt, I just ain't looking hard enough. In fact, I don't even need to look hard at all, I just haven't met that many people yet, and you know what? That is actually, totally, fucking, right.
Because guess what? About 85% of the people whom I currently know... go to my school. That's it. It's this like, bubble, and, you think that's, that's the whole population right there. But no, 1500 girls, is, that's not even close to anything to the actual number. There is still, so much more to learn. And it is true, that we all are young, dumb, and naive, as said by Ct. I do truly believe that. There's just, a lot. I'll answer a few more questions, I don't wanna get to deep because, for fuck's sake, pretty much everything's been covered. Literally, everything. You wanna see my thoughts on everything? Go read the past 30 posts.
You may ask "Drew, why do you depend on Cc for most of this talk?" That is a good question. Cc has helped me from the very beginning. She provided me with what I wanted to know, opinions, just everything. The connection between me and Cc, I feel, is very strong. I've known her, and/or, interact with her more than anybody else in KDT. This whole mess started in KDT, she's in KDT, I'm in KDT, it makes sense. She's also probably one of Kt's most trusted sources, so, basically whatever Kt REALLY thinks, she tells it to Cc. And therefore, I get the truth through her. Cc is also a girl, which, gives a different side to the spectrum of perspectives. I don't know how it works but girls have this, this connection, that they have together. It's like "Oh, I know what you mean" sorta thing. And yeah on the spectrum thing, it eliminates the very irrational, the, "Id" (you know, in psychology, the ego, superego, and Id), of me, my, instinct way of thinking.
Cc's also nice. Very nice. Kind. It's hard to hate her, I, I cannot imagine, how anybody can hate her. Very knowledgeable, rational, logical, reciprocative (not a real word). Most importantly: she is, the person I trust the most. Now why is that? To be honest, there are a lot more people who are on that same level or even, deserve my trust even more. But, considering how she just goes with the flow, never really has any reason to be malicious, is a master of her own mind (I'm hoping she is not going through any mental battles like I am right now. A person like her does not deserve that). And also the fact that she has given me, so much help. And and, even with her niceness, her innate kindness, if she really doesn't like somebody, aka, you know who (I'm not even sure if it's a "hate." Maybe more like a "intolerable" sorta feeling), then, there's gotta be major reasons why to that.
It's like a "Oh shit, if she doesn't like her, or, tolerates her, there's gotta be something wrong." Like, I asked Cc is she was going to be doing anything tomorrow or the weekend, and she said, besides the Key Club performance, she ain't going anywhere during the weekend, and tomorrow she's just going to be staying home. I told her I thought she'd be invited to the celebration tomorrow (I didn't mention it was you know who's birthday, but Cc pretty much knew what I was talking about). She said it ain't really a celebration with just 2 people, and even if she was invited, she said she doesn't think she'd go. At this point I was confused because there were certainly more people that you know who would know or invite, like Mp and, etc. I was like "Wait what? Just 2 people? I figured there'd be more."
I asked if we were talking about the same celebration and uh, yeah, we were. She said it was just 2 people, and if she were to go to, it would be just, a +1. So yeah, it really is, just two people. I asked her if she got this info directly. She confirmed it, and that it really is two people, and I can probably guess who the other person is. I was like "Aright, that's all I'm gonna ask." I, there's no use torturing myself anymore. No use, no benefit.
And so, I'm going with that. I'm also taking some antidepressants. Nothing strong though, it's just 5-HTP in 200 mg doses daily, starting today. I had a good nap with it, I really did. If it's placebo or not, I don't care, as long as it works. It's 12:19 AM right now. I'll be heading outside and walking to the park across the school for a bit, to clear my mind. When I get back home I'll most likely be tired enough to go directly to sleep. Anyways, see ya.
Week: 38
Songs to Remember: Love Me Like You Do (Cover) - ToppDogg, Strange - MASC, Luv Again - UNIQ, Let's Stop (그만하자) - Ignite (이그나이트)
You know, the day I stop mentioning Kt on here, is the day that I think I'll finally be back to my old self.
And I really want to be myself for when the series finale comes, heh. It's only 38 episodes left the end, the end of this all. And quite frankly, I don't really know how to end it all. I got some plans but, not sure how I'll, execute it all. Especially with 4 years (and maybe a bit more) of accumulated writing, work, thoughts, etc, I gotta compress all of that into a writing session.
I'll basically have to write things beforehand, like pre-write some stuff, because, hooo man, if I were to write it all in one-sitting, I don't know when I'd be finished. Considering, after the last post, it'll have to be like, my last, last one. Ever. And then maybe I'll come back a year later or something to re-visit and give an update. But yeah, it's gonna be like 8 hours of continuous writing maybe and structure planning.
I'm thinking of just going through the names of everybody in the yearbook, those who were at least relevant somewhat in the series, and I'd, just talk about 'em, thank 'em, etc. Which also reminds me, I'ma have to plan out stuff to say for the KDT end-social as well, which, is gonna be more thinking and writing, heh.
Anyways, I'm hoping today, will be the last time I mention about Kt. Essentially, it's just been "all signs point to STOP." There has, has been nothing, no hints at all, from anybody, that this should continue. I think I'm over that it was my fault, because, I've been proven that it wasn't. Cc gave me a lot of food for thought after I gave her a heavy piece of writing on my thoughts last night. Some of the things she said was that, I was sorta in control in the start, but Kt in end, was the one in control, because sooner or later, the end result would've been the same. Also that, although it does seem rare to find other people like Kt, I just ain't looking hard enough. In fact, I don't even need to look hard at all, I just haven't met that many people yet, and you know what? That is actually, totally, fucking, right.
Because guess what? About 85% of the people whom I currently know... go to my school. That's it. It's this like, bubble, and, you think that's, that's the whole population right there. But no, 1500 girls, is, that's not even close to anything to the actual number. There is still, so much more to learn. And it is true, that we all are young, dumb, and naive, as said by Ct. I do truly believe that. There's just, a lot. I'll answer a few more questions, I don't wanna get to deep because, for fuck's sake, pretty much everything's been covered. Literally, everything. You wanna see my thoughts on everything? Go read the past 30 posts.
You may ask "Drew, why do you depend on Cc for most of this talk?" That is a good question. Cc has helped me from the very beginning. She provided me with what I wanted to know, opinions, just everything. The connection between me and Cc, I feel, is very strong. I've known her, and/or, interact with her more than anybody else in KDT. This whole mess started in KDT, she's in KDT, I'm in KDT, it makes sense. She's also probably one of Kt's most trusted sources, so, basically whatever Kt REALLY thinks, she tells it to Cc. And therefore, I get the truth through her. Cc is also a girl, which, gives a different side to the spectrum of perspectives. I don't know how it works but girls have this, this connection, that they have together. It's like "Oh, I know what you mean" sorta thing. And yeah on the spectrum thing, it eliminates the very irrational, the, "Id" (you know, in psychology, the ego, superego, and Id), of me, my, instinct way of thinking.
Cc's also nice. Very nice. Kind. It's hard to hate her, I, I cannot imagine, how anybody can hate her. Very knowledgeable, rational, logical, reciprocative (not a real word). Most importantly: she is, the person I trust the most. Now why is that? To be honest, there are a lot more people who are on that same level or even, deserve my trust even more. But, considering how she just goes with the flow, never really has any reason to be malicious, is a master of her own mind (I'm hoping she is not going through any mental battles like I am right now. A person like her does not deserve that). And also the fact that she has given me, so much help. And and, even with her niceness, her innate kindness, if she really doesn't like somebody, aka, you know who (I'm not even sure if it's a "hate." Maybe more like a "intolerable" sorta feeling), then, there's gotta be major reasons why to that.
It's like a "Oh shit, if she doesn't like her, or, tolerates her, there's gotta be something wrong." Like, I asked Cc is she was going to be doing anything tomorrow or the weekend, and she said, besides the Key Club performance, she ain't going anywhere during the weekend, and tomorrow she's just going to be staying home. I told her I thought she'd be invited to the celebration tomorrow (I didn't mention it was you know who's birthday, but Cc pretty much knew what I was talking about). She said it ain't really a celebration with just 2 people, and even if she was invited, she said she doesn't think she'd go. At this point I was confused because there were certainly more people that you know who would know or invite, like Mp and, etc. I was like "Wait what? Just 2 people? I figured there'd be more."
I asked if we were talking about the same celebration and uh, yeah, we were. She said it was just 2 people, and if she were to go to, it would be just, a +1. So yeah, it really is, just two people. I asked her if she got this info directly. She confirmed it, and that it really is two people, and I can probably guess who the other person is. I was like "Aright, that's all I'm gonna ask." I, there's no use torturing myself anymore. No use, no benefit.
And so, I'm going with that. I'm also taking some antidepressants. Nothing strong though, it's just 5-HTP in 200 mg doses daily, starting today. I had a good nap with it, I really did. If it's placebo or not, I don't care, as long as it works. It's 12:19 AM right now. I'll be heading outside and walking to the park across the school for a bit, to clear my mind. When I get back home I'll most likely be tired enough to go directly to sleep. Anyways, see ya.
Tuesday, April 25, 2017
Monday, April 24, 2017 "Easy to Say, Hard to Understand."
Monday, April 24, 2017
Week: 38
Songs to Remember: Easy Love - SF9, Strange - MASC
I hate it. I just, I hate it. I wanted my life to be more like a drama, well here it is. I have so far, a whopping 30+ days, going into a month and a half, of drama.
It ranged from physical, you know, on-screen visual action. But, it's since been internalized into characterization. It's, it's all in my head now. That's where all the drama is. Never, would I think, I would be at a point where I am at now, where I don't know myself. I've known myself for years, and right now, this is not myself. I would not be doing any of this right now, because this is not me.
You know, I wish I could. I really wish I could just plug in all the thoughts, memories, emotions, in me, plug it into a computer and have it all be written out for me, like a diagnostic. Because I know I certainly cannot write it all out, let alone, say it verbally. It's, stupid, it really is stupid for all of this to be happening. And I do hate it. At this point, I just want to go back to my old self. At least then, I was enjoying what I usually enjoyed. You could see that in my older posts, where, how I loved performing, how I loved practices.
Re-remember when I was so excited to for KDT in the beginning of this year, to interact with everybody again, new and old. And now look at me. I don't go to practiced because I want to dance. I go to them, expecting somebody else to be there instead. And yeah, it's to interact with my friends too, who I don't get to see at all in my classes, but, that's only, about 50% of it.
One of the main reasons for this whole post project was to help others in case they ever gotten into a situation like mine's, and wanted to see my perspectives on things, and how it turned out for me. I was planning to release all of this to anybody who needed help or wanted it, that knew me. And, now I think I'm the one, who needs it. If I don't get better in the next two weeks, I'll release this to some of those who I trust, who have tried to help me recently, so I can get their opinions on things. 'Cause... I don't trust my own thoughts anymore, 'cause this ain't me.
There was KDT practice today. I auditioned for three songs, only got in for Monster, which I was/is a teacher for, which is fine. I told Cc that I wanted to talk to her about some things later at night. I gave her a whole wall of text on my thoughts recently, some heavy stuff, especially on the thought of being on the border of being labeled "insane," because that's what I thought. She gave me some reflections about all this, which were very insightful, as always. I really hope I don't have to show all this to so many people, because at that point, I know that I'm at my very lowest. Very, very lowest.
Anyways, it's 12:14 AM. I'm exhausted, both physically, and mentally. Danced too much. Thought too much. See ya.
Week: 38
Songs to Remember: Easy Love - SF9, Strange - MASC
I hate it. I just, I hate it. I wanted my life to be more like a drama, well here it is. I have so far, a whopping 30+ days, going into a month and a half, of drama.
It ranged from physical, you know, on-screen visual action. But, it's since been internalized into characterization. It's, it's all in my head now. That's where all the drama is. Never, would I think, I would be at a point where I am at now, where I don't know myself. I've known myself for years, and right now, this is not myself. I would not be doing any of this right now, because this is not me.
You know, I wish I could. I really wish I could just plug in all the thoughts, memories, emotions, in me, plug it into a computer and have it all be written out for me, like a diagnostic. Because I know I certainly cannot write it all out, let alone, say it verbally. It's, stupid, it really is stupid for all of this to be happening. And I do hate it. At this point, I just want to go back to my old self. At least then, I was enjoying what I usually enjoyed. You could see that in my older posts, where, how I loved performing, how I loved practices.
Re-remember when I was so excited to for KDT in the beginning of this year, to interact with everybody again, new and old. And now look at me. I don't go to practiced because I want to dance. I go to them, expecting somebody else to be there instead. And yeah, it's to interact with my friends too, who I don't get to see at all in my classes, but, that's only, about 50% of it.
One of the main reasons for this whole post project was to help others in case they ever gotten into a situation like mine's, and wanted to see my perspectives on things, and how it turned out for me. I was planning to release all of this to anybody who needed help or wanted it, that knew me. And, now I think I'm the one, who needs it. If I don't get better in the next two weeks, I'll release this to some of those who I trust, who have tried to help me recently, so I can get their opinions on things. 'Cause... I don't trust my own thoughts anymore, 'cause this ain't me.
There was KDT practice today. I auditioned for three songs, only got in for Monster, which I was/is a teacher for, which is fine. I told Cc that I wanted to talk to her about some things later at night. I gave her a whole wall of text on my thoughts recently, some heavy stuff, especially on the thought of being on the border of being labeled "insane," because that's what I thought. She gave me some reflections about all this, which were very insightful, as always. I really hope I don't have to show all this to so many people, because at that point, I know that I'm at my very lowest. Very, very lowest.
Anyways, it's 12:14 AM. I'm exhausted, both physically, and mentally. Danced too much. Thought too much. See ya.
Sunday, April 23, 2017
Sunday, April 23, 2017 "No Peril."
Sunday, April 23, 2017
Week: 37
Songs to Remember: Easy Love - SF9, Danza Kuduro - Don Omar, Stay - Zedd, Chunky - Bruno Mars, I Don't Mind - Usher, I'm Not Gonna Teach (The Twelves Remix) - Black Kids, You Only Live Once - The Strokes, PICK ME 2 (나야 나) - Produce 101
It is very difficult to put an experience into writing, because you need to describe every aspect of every detail, with, so much detail.
But I will try my best. Was it a night to remember? No, I'd say I wouldn't want to remember it. Only because, there are going to be things that are going to be worth remembering more than last night. But also, because it'll always be carried within me, because I matured. I'll have that aspect be kept with me, for a very long time, heh.
So 11:00 AM. I woke up, I'm, I was currently still in the facade of my social situation. Still had to live in it, play it, still. I could see that others were getting ready, or, were already up and about on Snapchat. Let me tell you something about Snapchat. I didn't realize it until a few days ago or something, but Snapchat is really just, social bragging. It might look like "Oh hey, here's a little snippet of what I'm doing currently," but in actuality, it's "Look at how much fun I, I (I can't capitalize or emphasize it any more), am having." Or "Look how I am going out and about in the world."
If you are sitting at home, and you see all this shit, you're gonna think "Wow, my life uh, it's kinda sucking right now." Or maybe "Damn, wish I was there, or maybe even doing something to that." It is easy to create assumptions or make people assume things, due to how short these little snippets are. I mean, the max Snap currently can only be 10 seconds, so. And yeah, I have recently took advantage of this. Take that as you will. I'll delve deeper into this towards the end.
But anyways, let's back to it. I'm still in that facade. Umm, Ek, Lw, and Jk were busy finishing some errands and whatever. They had planned to have pre-prom lunch at this one Korean food place at around 2:15 PM. I, had to keep up the facade for a bit longer as to make it more, eh, dramatic. I will say though, yeah, I am a drama queen. The media has dictated my scenarious thoughts (not a word by the way) into making everything have, meaning, to 'em. Or, or just add some excitement because to be honest, sitting at home after school for most days, you do get tired of it, it becomes bland, your mind looks for other means of adding differences/suspense to make things more interesting.
Also I wasn't really in the mood to eat, so, the facade wasn't the only reason for me to not go. I was still trying to keep up the facade, add some more Snapchats to my story to bring up the suspense and drama. Pathetic? It's understandable, I can understand if it's seen like that. Attention-whoring? Yeah, that's understandable too. At this point, it seemed like I was not going to be able to go to prom, but in actuality, I, would really not wanna miss it. If I had decided not to go, either because of my facade or because I didn't feel like it, it would probably be an even bigger regret than what I already have on my belt, heh. I finished getting suited up, hair, etc around 4:00 PM. I messaged Jk what he was doing. We, it was originally planned for Ek and Lw, after the lunch, to go to their friend's house and the 4 of them would get their makeup done and whatever, while me and Jk would be at his house.
So I asked him if I could hang out at hi house. He had just finished getting a haircut. He drove to my house, picked me up. Everything, from what I originally planned for all of this to go, it was going very different. It was all, unexpected so far, from the facade to, Jk picking me up. In fact, last, last night, I had so many dreams. Well, about 20% dreams, 80% nightmares, heh, because I did not know what was going to happen. I didn't know what to expect, and so my mind just, came up with and played every single scenario it could come up with. And, I think, I. From what I remember, I don't think any of those scenarios came true. The actual event went BEYOND, what I had envisioned. That's how unexpected it was.
Back to reality, Jk was driving me to his house. Well actually, we were going to get milk tea. It was at the milk tea place near my house (walking distance of it), but uh, he wasn't going to get any, it was just for me. I wasn't actually gonna get milk tea either, heh, so, instead we just sat in his car for a bit. There was a lot of time to burn so. Parked in a parking lot, at like 4:00 PM, we were discussing what we thought. Umm, just a lot of stuff. I, never actually told him the whole story between me and Kt, and he wanted to know, so I told him, all of it, with the various point of views, etc. I told him about the oneitis thing and, he gave me some examples. He delved into his past, to help me. In his sophomore year, he basically went through what I, am going through still. And it did, give me a whole different perspective on it all. That was the start to, my maturing in this all, was this whole talk.
After that, I was feeling pretty hungry, so, he drove me to In-n-Out. Also looking at it now, it fits in well with, my whole facade, for sympathy. I ate there, in my suit. Jk was not even dressed yet, he, he actually wasn't even dressed for outside streets either, heh. He had on a white t-shirt with a stain on it while I had on a suit and stylized hair. Not every day you see these two people eat together at an In-n-Out. It was a very big visual difference, heh. I ate, we talked a lot about everything, etc.
Afterwards, we went to his house. He got dressed, played some games, talked, burned some time. Jk said he was actually disappointed when I might've not been able to go to prom because of my social situation (the facade). And, I didn't realize until after all of that, all of, last night, that, I couldn't just leave somebody who has given me nothing but reciprocation on my words, and has given me nothing but support. That's, I can't respect that any more than I already do. I'll get more into this later. Anyways, he was playing some "hype" music, which was just like fucking Naruto battle music, or the music you'd hear while making your move in fucking Final Fantasy tactics. Not necessarily my type of hype music, but, if it hypes him up, then alright.
Around 7:00 PM did we leave. We Uber'd there, the dude drove a Jeep, so, hey, another thing to add to the list of unexpectedness, heh. Who would ever think to arrive to prom, in a Jeep? I saw a buddy of mine's there, from Dance class. The rest however, were very uh. It really was kinda like last year's, how there was that ghetto presence all around. That was because the other school that we were sharing our prom with, the one for delinquents, yeah, was there. It was mitigated though with the fact that our prom was in a tech museum (which, did provide some entertainment, but most importantly, atmosphere), and how there was comic-con, right next to us, heh. People from here were able to sneak-in, but only for a period of time before they got caught and were forced to leave.
Jk and I waited in line, and waited. Ek and Lw and their two friends were nowhere to be seen. Check-in, no breathalyzer tests and no metal detectors this time, which was, unexpected. Maybe because it was just the tech museum and uh, the school's budget wasn't that, great, heh. Or something. Inside, was, way bigger, than I expected. Well, not necessarily bigger, but, there were more passageways and whatnot, than expected. The lighting was also a bit brighter than I had thought, but, that didn't make a difference in anything. Now the major difference, between this year's prom and last year's, was that the focus on this all was not the dance-floor actually, but, just the isolation of doing something, putting isolated focus on a task/exhibit, with another person or group.
We got in at around 7:30 PM or so. It was yet to be crowded, people were just filling in, making calls, finding their friends, etc. Jk and I went to get an overview on it all. We started by heading upstairs (on an escalator) to the 2nd floor. We ran into our Chinese teacher, who was there. We then headed to the 3rd floor to see what was offered there as well. The 1st floor was like, dining, tables, relaxation, the earthquake simulator, as well as other science-interactive exhibits. The 2nd floor contained the dance floor/ room. It wasn't really out in the open, so that allowed a bit more privacy in terms of those who want to dance. 'Cause for most, it does seem awkward when you're dancing outside the, dance crowd, when you're in the outter-most of the crowd, because those around, who aren't dancing, are able to watch you. The third floor contained the majority of the cool exhibits, and above that, was the rooftop, which was open from 9:00 PM to 11:00 PM.
Going around and down, we were able to run into some of our friends, majority though, were Jk's buddies, but still. I did run into Jb and Mt a few times, we took pictures. Umm, I also saw Tm, and, eventually we ran into Cc and DrewH. Also Vh and her date, uh, some others, Sc, Jv, etc. And DrewN and his ladyfriend. And yes, I did see Kt through-out the beginning and middle-end of it all. She was with the dude, the girl dude, the Junior, from KDT, for a bit. She (the girl dude), did come with a date, but, I guess Kt was hanging out with her for a bit. I was like "Hmm, so she doesn't really have a date, huh." I then saw her with another dude, this time it was one of those guys whom she took a picture with at the VSA show. And from the snapstreaks that she sends, he's also in her 1st period class.
He ended up being her date for the night. Unconventional, I, know that she didn't have a date and fortunately for her, he went without one so, she just paired with him for it. I'll get into all this later. Anyways, back to the timeline, it was pretty much just Jk interacting and bringing along people whom he interacted more with. These two/three were not people who'd I interact with, or at least, 99% of the time. They were also guys, and uh, we were just, checking out fucking boring exhibits. More of the, more of the more boring exhibits on the 3rd floor. It wasn't until 8:30 PM, did Lw and Ek and their friends arrived.
It was seriously seeming like Fanime 1 before they got there. I did not, want to spend prom just walking up and down the escalators between all the fucking floors and checking out Paint.net cells in an exhibit. When they finally arrived, uh, I think we just fucked around in some exhibits for a while. We also explored the place a bit, took pictures. Oh yeah and we also danced. Now in our circle of people, only me and Jk were really the professionals in this, having been to dances before. Lw and Ek and their friends (who were juniors by the way), were not experienced. Now, I was feeling sorta bummed out about things. Things were not going the way I wanted it to. The unexpectedness of things were both good and bad, and I was leaning more towards the bad. I wasn't really feeling the sensation, enjoyment, the realization had not hit my head yet that I was there, to have fun.
It wasn't until, when we were dancing, the DJ played Don Omar's "Danza Kuduro" that I truly, felt alive. Because fucking, heh, literally 90% of the songs played, I could not understand. Yes, they were English, but only on occasions do I listen to English-lyric music, and so I don't know a majority of the songs played besides the mainstream songs that everybody has heard at least once. Currently that shit's like, Bruno Mars' current tracks like "Chunky" and "That's What I Like," or fucking, "Bad and Boujee," heh. Danza Kuduro basically saved me from drifting lower, for that time, anyways.
After going hard and all out for that song, we took a break. We're sweaty and hot, we, took a break on the 1st floor, eating, getting water, etc. At this point we were sitting down, Lw and the others were eating. Jk was making convo with buddies he knew, and I was talking to DrewN. I asked him how things were going, he was, we were looking to yike, for the experience of course, his GF wasn't really comfortable with it so, maybe another time. I'll take a minute to talk about yiking. Now, I have never yiked, I uh, I do not think it's something everybody must experience in order to live life to the fullest. I also would prefer face-to-face dancing compared to, front-and-end-facing dancing. However, it is like, a High school staple, so yeah, it would've been nice to do so.
It is, however, extremely difficult to pull off successfully. The two people need to be at the same wavelengths of, "freedom," or whatever. They must both be going/ feeling the same flow of the moment in order to, rub crotch and ass in front of others to musical rhythms, heh. That's my take on it anyways. It's not a life-long goal for me, it's just something to add to the High school experience. It's not, it's mandatory, it's supplementary, is what I mean.
Anyways, after that little break, we headed to the rooftop to see what that was all about. I expected it to be like, a real nice view. No, just, I mean it felt pretty cooling after the heat and sweat and all that. Very refreshing, for the first like, 5 minutes out there. After though, it did get cold. I did have an under-shirt, my tuxedo shirt, and then my tuxedo blazer on top of that, and it still got cold, I still felt it, so, for girls with all their open-shoulder dresses, yeah, they, I don't think they'd survive, heh. The view sucked ass, you could only see the buildings like, across, as well as, of course, the night sky. the view downwards, you can't see anything. There was fencing all around, it wasn't even that big either, the rooftop. There was fencing, as well as more, roof, but you couldn't go past the fencing, so there wasn't to see. There was no way you could see the bottom of the buildings. Probably so that people can't jump down and if you were to run off past the fences to jump, they'd, catch you before you'd be able to jump or something.
This was the lowest point for me, or, about close to. Because, this was where Kt was, with, that dude from the VSA show. And of course I didn't go over there to say hi, that'd just be like, fucking, whatever. When I had asked her, okay so I had this plan, I forgot to say this. Everything that happened yesterday was different from my expectations, literally everything. One of them, even before the dance, it was around 2:00 PM or something, where I asked Kt on Snapchat if she knew anybody who might've wanted to go to prom but was not as I was wanting to transfer my ticket to them as I was probably not going to be able to go, due to my social situation (the facade).
My thought process was that she would of course, say no, which she did and then I'd reply with "Alright, thanks. And have fun at prom with, whoever you're going with," which I did. From that, I expected her to say and admit "Oh, I'm actually not going with anybody." I'd then be like "Why'd you tell me you were going with somebody then?" and then blah blah, I'd somehow be able to go with her. And uh, no, nope, heh, that was not the case, because after I said "and have fun at prom with, whoever you're going with," she said "Thanks!" I was like "That uh, that was not what I was expecting." I didn't, physically say or typed that, I thought it, by the way.
But uh, just, seeing her there with that guy. Her arm, around his as if he was her date. Which, if it weren't for him going by himself, you know, it, you know what, I ain't gonna think about it. It's Kt, she'll find a way, somebody, regardless. There's- okay. What's the point of thinking what if? On shit that had already happened, of which, you even had no control over, huh, Drew? Just stop, okay. Just tell the viewers what you felt, what you saw, and keep going.
Yeah I felt like shit, I felt jealous, I had flashbacks to and kept thinking "That could've been me, this whole thing could've been different," but fuck, it ain't, and it already passed, so, oh well. The cast saw that I was bummed out a bit. Jk talked with me on it, gave me some support. I had some moments of lament before we moved on to the earthquake simulator on the 3rd floor (also took a picture with my old Government class teacher on the 2nd floor, it was nice to see him again). We also ended up meeting with DrewH and Cc again. After riding the earthquake simulator twice, we rode it again, twice more, heh, along with Cc and DrewH.
The earthquake simulator, by the way. Not as dramatic as you'd think, but it was cool nonetheless. The reason we rode it so many times was because there was nobody in line for it, and, we wanted to try the biggest magnitude of a real-life earthquake that they had, which was Hokaido, Japane, which was like an 8 or something, 9, 10, etc, I forgot. Cc and DrewH basically became a part of our group, because for the rest of that time, we just danced 'till the end of the whole thing. It was our group in a circle, Ek to my left, then their two friends, then Lw, Cc, DrewH, and Jk to my right. The song were kinda shit so, the dancing was only, we only went hard on a few times and that was when the beat dropped on a select few songs.
I could see that Cc wasn't really into it. I don't blame her. This type of music wasn't really her type of music, and uh, I think she was just tired. I don't think dances are her thing. School dances, I mean. And also she was, physically tired. Like, Ek, Lw, their two friends, as well as Cc, they were all wearing heels. They ended up taking them off and adding them to the pile we had in the center of us, and just danced barefoot because their feet were, dying, heh.
I made a mistake, one mistake, when we were on the rooftop, and you know what it was. I also made some mistakes, when we were all dancing to the end. Because at the same time, Kt entered in with her "date's" group. They danced, and, instead of focusing on my friends, who supported me on basically everything about me, cared about me, etc, I was focusing on Kt. What was going on through my mind? Here are some of the kind of thoughts I had. "Is she having fun with him? How is she dancing? How hard is she dancing? Have they yiked yet? Hopefully they don't yike. She doesn't look to be into yiking. She's on her phone. I think that means she's bored. Maybe this type of music ain't her thing either."
Every, 15 seconds, I'd look on over to see how she was acting. I was dancing, not really, with to the music, for fun, with the people I was here with. But, if it was more, to, show, to Kt, but she didn't pay attention at all or I'm not even sure she knew I was there or wanted to anyways, and so I was basically dancing for myself, that I was having a better time than she was. I wanted to show her, that I was having a better time than she was. Was this really a bad thing? I'll delve deeper into this later. All the while, my boy, Jk, he was doing his best to stop me from making the same mistakes over and over again. I didn't know it before but when we were walking together at the end of the night, he told me so. And, I, can't thank him enough for all the effort he's put into me, into, helping me just, stay myself. My, true self.
Once it hit midnight, the event was over. I was, I was planning to say hi to Kt when we were exiting. I positioned myself for it, but, Jk had me head with him outside to wait for Lw and Ek and the other two to get their stuff from the coat-check. I didn't the chance to thank him, for that. Outside, it was cold, and, we were just waiting. I see Kt walk with her friend, not her "date," but the one who sat behind me in Chinese. I waved, she, didn't see it or chose not to see it as she was probably calling her dad to pick her up. Her friend though, saw it, and nudged her about it. Jk could see it, that, you know, I still wasn't feeling myself.
We waited a bit more until finally Ek and the others came out. It was around 12:20 AM now. I wanted to just walk around downtown at night, or, get milk tea. The closest milk tea place (which wasn't really close at all) closes at 1:00 AM, and, everywhere else was closed. They were tired, their, feet were dying. Umm, Jk wanted to go home, Ek and Lw were going to one of their friend' houses and then heading home. Uhh, Jk, he stuck with me. He had shit to do the morning of, such as Vietnamese school and, returning his rented tux. We walked around for a bit, we talked it over about everything that I've been thinking of, especially tonight. He did something that, shocked me more than it really should have, and that's up for debate. It all is. As we were walking, I looked onto Snapchat, I see Kt posted something on her story. I clicked on it, it was just a pic of her and her female friend together, Jk was like "Lemme see that."
I thought he was going to look over her entire story but instead he went to her Snapchat profile and un-added her. My literal words and expression were "Wait what are you doing? Wait don't, no, no, no, no no!" And he un-added her from my Snapchat. I was like "What did you just do?" and he was like "It's for your own good." Now, the problem I have with blocking people on social media, is that, you're closing all doors. On the off-chance that the other parties have a change of mind and all that, they can't contact you anymore. It also shows signs of hatred, which, I do not have. And if she didn't remove me from Facebook, or stopped following me on Instagram, or un-added me from Snapchat, what's the reason for me to?
At that point I was, I was in shock. There was no other way for me to get it back, one of, the main communication tools I had with her. It's different from shit like Facebook and Messenger. For Facebook, you gotta come across it, you gotta scroll to it, to things. For Messenger, that shit's just personal, old-fashioned texting. Well, you get what I mean, not old-fashioned, but, simple, plain messaging. Snapchat, there's levels to it. You can post to your story and people will look at it. The temptation to see what others are doing is very strong. Also, snapstreaks. That is a way to cleverly, like, what's the word? "Low-key," tell people what you're doing. "Inconspicuous," is a more accurate word, actually, there we go.
Now, Jk explained to me about his past and how he had to do the same thing for him to get over his past GF. He, did give me some examples, of, some cringey stuff that a rational, logical, sound, -thinking person would not do. The circumstances are different yeah, but, the ideas are the complete same. I do not want to close out the doors forever though for what I feel. For him, he had to, and is fine with that. But, for me, I'm just tired of, I've been through closing doors, or, having doors closed upon me, and that just results in some fucking, stupid. Oh my god, okay, closing the doors is good, for when like, you'll never see each other and or interact, ever again. But in this case, I still have to, with KDT and all that, and, unecessary awkwardness in a club I love, it's, it's not necessary. I don't need that.
To be honest, I do not know what's going on in her head. It's still a complete mystery to me, her ways of thinking. It's completely unpredictable, but also at the same time, predictable. I've, I've made myself predictable too. And because of all this, I just, I just need to put the waiting, not on my priority list, but as like, a side quest. In the midst of having fun, for example, that time spent having fun, also contributes to time waiting. Waiting for you may ask? Waiting on the off-chance that things turn out for well for me, with all this.
Back to what I was saying, because I kept looking at Kt's snap stories, Jk un-added her from my profile. The reason why I was shocked was because 1: I had to re-add her, meaning she'd see that I sent her a request, giving her some thoughts like "Oh my god, I can't he un-added me and added me again," and 2: I did not know her Snapchat name, so, there was no other way for me to get it back. Jk suggested I need some distractions. Just, do stuff, which is harder than it sounds since everybody else is so busy. However, being the true friend he is, taking the time out of his own days, since I told him that I haven't played video-games for about 6+ months now, said he'll play Terraria with me. He also offered to get both of us gym memberships, and drive me there after school each day to just, work out.
You can see the kind of person that he is, one that, is hard to come by. And I still, can't think him enough. We stopped at one side of the street, and called an Uber. Not home, but, to Burger King, 'cause I suggested ya know, at least one place to go before we headed home, because I did not want to go home. Prom lasts until 12:00 AM for a reason, and, I just, I don't wanna sleep with all these thoughts, I don't wanna be trapped by my own thoughts like the past 2 weeks. It's not fun, it's, scary even. It's draining. It's one of the reasons why I still say "I wanna go home," even when I'm sitting here in my chair in front of my PC.
Our Uber dropped us off at Burger King. You'd think it'd be open 24/7, and you're correct. But we were wrong, because the door was locked, even though the lights were on. I'm thinking probably its not open 24/7 going into Sundays, or, the employees were just sleeping in the back and locked the doors. Fortunately for us, there was a McDonald's not too far from where we were, so we walked there. Mind you, this was like, 12:30 AM. This was going straight into my vision, my, one of my goals, which was to just walk at night in the empty streets. Luckily this ain't Chicago, heh. On the way there, we were walking on the bridge/overpass of our town, before I added Kt back (to my relief, I was able to get her Snapchat name with the feature of finding people through your contacts, and fortunately for me, we had exchanged numbers), and, I got a Snapchat from her. Which was, weird, considering how I un-added her. But, I guess it still works somehow, because our streak is still retained, as well the yellow heart. The yellow heart still shows even after all this time.
I know for a fact that I don't snap her more often than I do my usual snapstreaks, so, I'm not sure why that's still there. And after, 2 weeks, it'd turn red, but, it's, it's still yellow. Maybe it's symbolic or something, or, whatever. Also, the snap that she sent was probably for streaks, but, it was a picture of her, it, it was the closest thing, the closest a pic of her it can get, that resembles those she used to send me. It was a pic of her with the words "Best night ever." And, that got me thinking with a bit of, competition in mind. It didn't make me feel sad, no. Did it make me angry? Okay, a little, but at that moment, I knew I could use it to my advantage. I'll be using Snapchat as a platform, to brag, which is what it's meant for. I'll be doing my best to show her, Kt, how much of a BETTER time I'm having than her.
It's different from when I was exercising hard for those 3 days or so back in spring break. I was doing that, for her. And with this, bragging, trumping thing, it's not really bettering myself for her, it's more of, bettering myself, to show her, to show myself. Which is good, that, it'll bring positivity. It'll help garner and grow positivity, it, benefits me more than it does her really, heh. So there's that. We uh, I promised Jk that, I wouldn't look at her story anymore, in exchange for me adding her back, and that's a promise I'll keep, because, all the things that he has done for me and even wants to do for me, I, I can't turn my back on him, ever.
On the way to McDonalds, we see that there's a Safeway nearby. I figured they'd have a better selection of stuff than McDonald's, so we went in there instead. I took a pee break, uhhh, we looked around. We were, I at least, was pretty fucking hungry. The only thing I ate there was a cookie, and, like, 1/8th of a Sprite. I didn't want to eat too much, because if I did, and I was jumping up and down during dancing, I would throw up, so, heh. But uh, we ended up with some Arizonas and chips and, a bag of gummy bears. From this point, we were walking to Jk's house. We, he, I, could've called an Uber, but, I, I wanted to make this all last more, and plus I never really get to walk around at night. So I walked with him to his house, which, in this town, ain't exactly very far away.
He talked about how he, doesn't really care about girls anymore, how he hated girls, he, thought they were a waste of time, and just wanted to graduate to go to college already. One of his exact phrases was "I don't know when I'ma get a girlfriend again." And, that kinda surprised me, because I know for a fact that there ARE, a bunch of girls who do like him. I told him that I, I see it in him. I told him that he has the power of making the most of every conversation, he's, a conversationalist. He may not know it, but, I know it. Girls know it. He himself doesn't see that. I wanted to reassure him, that he has that power, that I do so want, heh. I am, yeah I am, jealous of that. He can do a lot with that. It's, it's even shown before, he's shown me it countless times before, and I always looked at it like "Man, I wish I could do that, but I always end up over-thinking, or not think enough and nothing comes out. I just want to hit that spot, that one spot in conversation, that's juuuust right."
Umm, the rest of what we talked about, I kinda forgot. If you were to see us out in the streets, we'd, we'd look like as if we were a pair of drunk businessmen, heh. We reached his house faster than I thought, uh, and, I directed and setup a final cut thing for the credits to roll for his part. I walked in one direction while he walked in the opposite, then when we passed, we high-fived eachother. And yeah, heh, he went home, I began my walk back to my house. It wasn't as scary as you'd think, umm, okay well there were parts where I was kinda afraid that I would be targeted by some people driving around in the Safeway parking lot, but uh, ya know, it was very relaxing. It was me, in a tuxedo, walking around at 2:00 AM, it was cold, holding a bag of gummy bears, in empty streets (for the most part), stopping at certain points to message back Cc and Lw on my trip back home. And also waiting for some crosswalk signs to flash "walking" before I said "Fuck it" and walked regardless.
I did make it back home, at around 2:30 AM. I cleaned up a bit, took off my tuxedo and changed, just, left it there on the floor (it still is on the floor as I'm typing this), and, sent my nightly snapstreak. I put it as "Bestest night ever and hey I'm not dead." You see what i did with the "bestest" part there? Yeah, heh, the first of many. So, what I want to say after all this, is that, we both, found a bit of ourselves that we didn't know we had. We helped each-other find that, that, reassurance. I reassured him that, he has potential and skills he doesn't think he has, while he reassured me, that if I were to continue this state of mind that I have right now, I'm fucking go insane, and people will think I'm insane, and it'll be too out of their control to even help me anymore. Because right now, that's what they're doing, they're helping me.
I've always wanted to help people, and in this past month, I, was the one getting help. I, cannot thank Jk, I can't thank Cc, I can't thank the cast, I can't thank everybody else enough. I will try to stop these revolutions, these, thoughts, that, revolve around somebody else. 'Cause this ain't you, Drew, this ain't you.
There could've been many bad endings and many good endings for this movie. Out of all the possible good endings for this movie though, this was one of them. That whole night, everything I had expected, it all went unexpected. Every single thing. I expected things to go really good at one point. I also expected things to take a turn for the worse and end up shit, and boring. Instead, you what happened? It turned out okay. And that is, what people ask me, because they care about me. And that is, what I want to be. I want be okay. It's 11:01 PM, this is probably my longest post to date as of April 23rd. See ya.
Week: 37
Songs to Remember: Easy Love - SF9, Danza Kuduro - Don Omar, Stay - Zedd, Chunky - Bruno Mars, I Don't Mind - Usher, I'm Not Gonna Teach (The Twelves Remix) - Black Kids, You Only Live Once - The Strokes, PICK ME 2 (나야 나) - Produce 101
It is very difficult to put an experience into writing, because you need to describe every aspect of every detail, with, so much detail.
But I will try my best. Was it a night to remember? No, I'd say I wouldn't want to remember it. Only because, there are going to be things that are going to be worth remembering more than last night. But also, because it'll always be carried within me, because I matured. I'll have that aspect be kept with me, for a very long time, heh.
So 11:00 AM. I woke up, I'm, I was currently still in the facade of my social situation. Still had to live in it, play it, still. I could see that others were getting ready, or, were already up and about on Snapchat. Let me tell you something about Snapchat. I didn't realize it until a few days ago or something, but Snapchat is really just, social bragging. It might look like "Oh hey, here's a little snippet of what I'm doing currently," but in actuality, it's "Look at how much fun I, I (I can't capitalize or emphasize it any more), am having." Or "Look how I am going out and about in the world."
If you are sitting at home, and you see all this shit, you're gonna think "Wow, my life uh, it's kinda sucking right now." Or maybe "Damn, wish I was there, or maybe even doing something to that." It is easy to create assumptions or make people assume things, due to how short these little snippets are. I mean, the max Snap currently can only be 10 seconds, so. And yeah, I have recently took advantage of this. Take that as you will. I'll delve deeper into this towards the end.
But anyways, let's back to it. I'm still in that facade. Umm, Ek, Lw, and Jk were busy finishing some errands and whatever. They had planned to have pre-prom lunch at this one Korean food place at around 2:15 PM. I, had to keep up the facade for a bit longer as to make it more, eh, dramatic. I will say though, yeah, I am a drama queen. The media has dictated my scenarious thoughts (not a word by the way) into making everything have, meaning, to 'em. Or, or just add some excitement because to be honest, sitting at home after school for most days, you do get tired of it, it becomes bland, your mind looks for other means of adding differences/suspense to make things more interesting.
Also I wasn't really in the mood to eat, so, the facade wasn't the only reason for me to not go. I was still trying to keep up the facade, add some more Snapchats to my story to bring up the suspense and drama. Pathetic? It's understandable, I can understand if it's seen like that. Attention-whoring? Yeah, that's understandable too. At this point, it seemed like I was not going to be able to go to prom, but in actuality, I, would really not wanna miss it. If I had decided not to go, either because of my facade or because I didn't feel like it, it would probably be an even bigger regret than what I already have on my belt, heh. I finished getting suited up, hair, etc around 4:00 PM. I messaged Jk what he was doing. We, it was originally planned for Ek and Lw, after the lunch, to go to their friend's house and the 4 of them would get their makeup done and whatever, while me and Jk would be at his house.
So I asked him if I could hang out at hi house. He had just finished getting a haircut. He drove to my house, picked me up. Everything, from what I originally planned for all of this to go, it was going very different. It was all, unexpected so far, from the facade to, Jk picking me up. In fact, last, last night, I had so many dreams. Well, about 20% dreams, 80% nightmares, heh, because I did not know what was going to happen. I didn't know what to expect, and so my mind just, came up with and played every single scenario it could come up with. And, I think, I. From what I remember, I don't think any of those scenarios came true. The actual event went BEYOND, what I had envisioned. That's how unexpected it was.
Back to reality, Jk was driving me to his house. Well actually, we were going to get milk tea. It was at the milk tea place near my house (walking distance of it), but uh, he wasn't going to get any, it was just for me. I wasn't actually gonna get milk tea either, heh, so, instead we just sat in his car for a bit. There was a lot of time to burn so. Parked in a parking lot, at like 4:00 PM, we were discussing what we thought. Umm, just a lot of stuff. I, never actually told him the whole story between me and Kt, and he wanted to know, so I told him, all of it, with the various point of views, etc. I told him about the oneitis thing and, he gave me some examples. He delved into his past, to help me. In his sophomore year, he basically went through what I, am going through still. And it did, give me a whole different perspective on it all. That was the start to, my maturing in this all, was this whole talk.
After that, I was feeling pretty hungry, so, he drove me to In-n-Out. Also looking at it now, it fits in well with, my whole facade, for sympathy. I ate there, in my suit. Jk was not even dressed yet, he, he actually wasn't even dressed for outside streets either, heh. He had on a white t-shirt with a stain on it while I had on a suit and stylized hair. Not every day you see these two people eat together at an In-n-Out. It was a very big visual difference, heh. I ate, we talked a lot about everything, etc.
Afterwards, we went to his house. He got dressed, played some games, talked, burned some time. Jk said he was actually disappointed when I might've not been able to go to prom because of my social situation (the facade). And, I didn't realize until after all of that, all of, last night, that, I couldn't just leave somebody who has given me nothing but reciprocation on my words, and has given me nothing but support. That's, I can't respect that any more than I already do. I'll get more into this later. Anyways, he was playing some "hype" music, which was just like fucking Naruto battle music, or the music you'd hear while making your move in fucking Final Fantasy tactics. Not necessarily my type of hype music, but, if it hypes him up, then alright.
Around 7:00 PM did we leave. We Uber'd there, the dude drove a Jeep, so, hey, another thing to add to the list of unexpectedness, heh. Who would ever think to arrive to prom, in a Jeep? I saw a buddy of mine's there, from Dance class. The rest however, were very uh. It really was kinda like last year's, how there was that ghetto presence all around. That was because the other school that we were sharing our prom with, the one for delinquents, yeah, was there. It was mitigated though with the fact that our prom was in a tech museum (which, did provide some entertainment, but most importantly, atmosphere), and how there was comic-con, right next to us, heh. People from here were able to sneak-in, but only for a period of time before they got caught and were forced to leave.
Jk and I waited in line, and waited. Ek and Lw and their two friends were nowhere to be seen. Check-in, no breathalyzer tests and no metal detectors this time, which was, unexpected. Maybe because it was just the tech museum and uh, the school's budget wasn't that, great, heh. Or something. Inside, was, way bigger, than I expected. Well, not necessarily bigger, but, there were more passageways and whatnot, than expected. The lighting was also a bit brighter than I had thought, but, that didn't make a difference in anything. Now the major difference, between this year's prom and last year's, was that the focus on this all was not the dance-floor actually, but, just the isolation of doing something, putting isolated focus on a task/exhibit, with another person or group.
We got in at around 7:30 PM or so. It was yet to be crowded, people were just filling in, making calls, finding their friends, etc. Jk and I went to get an overview on it all. We started by heading upstairs (on an escalator) to the 2nd floor. We ran into our Chinese teacher, who was there. We then headed to the 3rd floor to see what was offered there as well. The 1st floor was like, dining, tables, relaxation, the earthquake simulator, as well as other science-interactive exhibits. The 2nd floor contained the dance floor/ room. It wasn't really out in the open, so that allowed a bit more privacy in terms of those who want to dance. 'Cause for most, it does seem awkward when you're dancing outside the, dance crowd, when you're in the outter-most of the crowd, because those around, who aren't dancing, are able to watch you. The third floor contained the majority of the cool exhibits, and above that, was the rooftop, which was open from 9:00 PM to 11:00 PM.
Going around and down, we were able to run into some of our friends, majority though, were Jk's buddies, but still. I did run into Jb and Mt a few times, we took pictures. Umm, I also saw Tm, and, eventually we ran into Cc and DrewH. Also Vh and her date, uh, some others, Sc, Jv, etc. And DrewN and his ladyfriend. And yes, I did see Kt through-out the beginning and middle-end of it all. She was with the dude, the girl dude, the Junior, from KDT, for a bit. She (the girl dude), did come with a date, but, I guess Kt was hanging out with her for a bit. I was like "Hmm, so she doesn't really have a date, huh." I then saw her with another dude, this time it was one of those guys whom she took a picture with at the VSA show. And from the snapstreaks that she sends, he's also in her 1st period class.
He ended up being her date for the night. Unconventional, I, know that she didn't have a date and fortunately for her, he went without one so, she just paired with him for it. I'll get into all this later. Anyways, back to the timeline, it was pretty much just Jk interacting and bringing along people whom he interacted more with. These two/three were not people who'd I interact with, or at least, 99% of the time. They were also guys, and uh, we were just, checking out fucking boring exhibits. More of the, more of the more boring exhibits on the 3rd floor. It wasn't until 8:30 PM, did Lw and Ek and their friends arrived.
It was seriously seeming like Fanime 1 before they got there. I did not, want to spend prom just walking up and down the escalators between all the fucking floors and checking out Paint.net cells in an exhibit. When they finally arrived, uh, I think we just fucked around in some exhibits for a while. We also explored the place a bit, took pictures. Oh yeah and we also danced. Now in our circle of people, only me and Jk were really the professionals in this, having been to dances before. Lw and Ek and their friends (who were juniors by the way), were not experienced. Now, I was feeling sorta bummed out about things. Things were not going the way I wanted it to. The unexpectedness of things were both good and bad, and I was leaning more towards the bad. I wasn't really feeling the sensation, enjoyment, the realization had not hit my head yet that I was there, to have fun.
It wasn't until, when we were dancing, the DJ played Don Omar's "Danza Kuduro" that I truly, felt alive. Because fucking, heh, literally 90% of the songs played, I could not understand. Yes, they were English, but only on occasions do I listen to English-lyric music, and so I don't know a majority of the songs played besides the mainstream songs that everybody has heard at least once. Currently that shit's like, Bruno Mars' current tracks like "Chunky" and "That's What I Like," or fucking, "Bad and Boujee," heh. Danza Kuduro basically saved me from drifting lower, for that time, anyways.
After going hard and all out for that song, we took a break. We're sweaty and hot, we, took a break on the 1st floor, eating, getting water, etc. At this point we were sitting down, Lw and the others were eating. Jk was making convo with buddies he knew, and I was talking to DrewN. I asked him how things were going, he was, we were looking to yike, for the experience of course, his GF wasn't really comfortable with it so, maybe another time. I'll take a minute to talk about yiking. Now, I have never yiked, I uh, I do not think it's something everybody must experience in order to live life to the fullest. I also would prefer face-to-face dancing compared to, front-and-end-facing dancing. However, it is like, a High school staple, so yeah, it would've been nice to do so.
It is, however, extremely difficult to pull off successfully. The two people need to be at the same wavelengths of, "freedom," or whatever. They must both be going/ feeling the same flow of the moment in order to, rub crotch and ass in front of others to musical rhythms, heh. That's my take on it anyways. It's not a life-long goal for me, it's just something to add to the High school experience. It's not, it's mandatory, it's supplementary, is what I mean.
Anyways, after that little break, we headed to the rooftop to see what that was all about. I expected it to be like, a real nice view. No, just, I mean it felt pretty cooling after the heat and sweat and all that. Very refreshing, for the first like, 5 minutes out there. After though, it did get cold. I did have an under-shirt, my tuxedo shirt, and then my tuxedo blazer on top of that, and it still got cold, I still felt it, so, for girls with all their open-shoulder dresses, yeah, they, I don't think they'd survive, heh. The view sucked ass, you could only see the buildings like, across, as well as, of course, the night sky. the view downwards, you can't see anything. There was fencing all around, it wasn't even that big either, the rooftop. There was fencing, as well as more, roof, but you couldn't go past the fencing, so there wasn't to see. There was no way you could see the bottom of the buildings. Probably so that people can't jump down and if you were to run off past the fences to jump, they'd, catch you before you'd be able to jump or something.
This was the lowest point for me, or, about close to. Because, this was where Kt was, with, that dude from the VSA show. And of course I didn't go over there to say hi, that'd just be like, fucking, whatever. When I had asked her, okay so I had this plan, I forgot to say this. Everything that happened yesterday was different from my expectations, literally everything. One of them, even before the dance, it was around 2:00 PM or something, where I asked Kt on Snapchat if she knew anybody who might've wanted to go to prom but was not as I was wanting to transfer my ticket to them as I was probably not going to be able to go, due to my social situation (the facade).
My thought process was that she would of course, say no, which she did and then I'd reply with "Alright, thanks. And have fun at prom with, whoever you're going with," which I did. From that, I expected her to say and admit "Oh, I'm actually not going with anybody." I'd then be like "Why'd you tell me you were going with somebody then?" and then blah blah, I'd somehow be able to go with her. And uh, no, nope, heh, that was not the case, because after I said "and have fun at prom with, whoever you're going with," she said "Thanks!" I was like "That uh, that was not what I was expecting." I didn't, physically say or typed that, I thought it, by the way.
But uh, just, seeing her there with that guy. Her arm, around his as if he was her date. Which, if it weren't for him going by himself, you know, it, you know what, I ain't gonna think about it. It's Kt, she'll find a way, somebody, regardless. There's- okay. What's the point of thinking what if? On shit that had already happened, of which, you even had no control over, huh, Drew? Just stop, okay. Just tell the viewers what you felt, what you saw, and keep going.
Yeah I felt like shit, I felt jealous, I had flashbacks to and kept thinking "That could've been me, this whole thing could've been different," but fuck, it ain't, and it already passed, so, oh well. The cast saw that I was bummed out a bit. Jk talked with me on it, gave me some support. I had some moments of lament before we moved on to the earthquake simulator on the 3rd floor (also took a picture with my old Government class teacher on the 2nd floor, it was nice to see him again). We also ended up meeting with DrewH and Cc again. After riding the earthquake simulator twice, we rode it again, twice more, heh, along with Cc and DrewH.
The earthquake simulator, by the way. Not as dramatic as you'd think, but it was cool nonetheless. The reason we rode it so many times was because there was nobody in line for it, and, we wanted to try the biggest magnitude of a real-life earthquake that they had, which was Hokaido, Japane, which was like an 8 or something, 9, 10, etc, I forgot. Cc and DrewH basically became a part of our group, because for the rest of that time, we just danced 'till the end of the whole thing. It was our group in a circle, Ek to my left, then their two friends, then Lw, Cc, DrewH, and Jk to my right. The song were kinda shit so, the dancing was only, we only went hard on a few times and that was when the beat dropped on a select few songs.
I could see that Cc wasn't really into it. I don't blame her. This type of music wasn't really her type of music, and uh, I think she was just tired. I don't think dances are her thing. School dances, I mean. And also she was, physically tired. Like, Ek, Lw, their two friends, as well as Cc, they were all wearing heels. They ended up taking them off and adding them to the pile we had in the center of us, and just danced barefoot because their feet were, dying, heh.
I made a mistake, one mistake, when we were on the rooftop, and you know what it was. I also made some mistakes, when we were all dancing to the end. Because at the same time, Kt entered in with her "date's" group. They danced, and, instead of focusing on my friends, who supported me on basically everything about me, cared about me, etc, I was focusing on Kt. What was going on through my mind? Here are some of the kind of thoughts I had. "Is she having fun with him? How is she dancing? How hard is she dancing? Have they yiked yet? Hopefully they don't yike. She doesn't look to be into yiking. She's on her phone. I think that means she's bored. Maybe this type of music ain't her thing either."
Every, 15 seconds, I'd look on over to see how she was acting. I was dancing, not really, with to the music, for fun, with the people I was here with. But, if it was more, to, show, to Kt, but she didn't pay attention at all or I'm not even sure she knew I was there or wanted to anyways, and so I was basically dancing for myself, that I was having a better time than she was. I wanted to show her, that I was having a better time than she was. Was this really a bad thing? I'll delve deeper into this later. All the while, my boy, Jk, he was doing his best to stop me from making the same mistakes over and over again. I didn't know it before but when we were walking together at the end of the night, he told me so. And, I, can't thank him enough for all the effort he's put into me, into, helping me just, stay myself. My, true self.
Once it hit midnight, the event was over. I was, I was planning to say hi to Kt when we were exiting. I positioned myself for it, but, Jk had me head with him outside to wait for Lw and Ek and the other two to get their stuff from the coat-check. I didn't the chance to thank him, for that. Outside, it was cold, and, we were just waiting. I see Kt walk with her friend, not her "date," but the one who sat behind me in Chinese. I waved, she, didn't see it or chose not to see it as she was probably calling her dad to pick her up. Her friend though, saw it, and nudged her about it. Jk could see it, that, you know, I still wasn't feeling myself.
We waited a bit more until finally Ek and the others came out. It was around 12:20 AM now. I wanted to just walk around downtown at night, or, get milk tea. The closest milk tea place (which wasn't really close at all) closes at 1:00 AM, and, everywhere else was closed. They were tired, their, feet were dying. Umm, Jk wanted to go home, Ek and Lw were going to one of their friend' houses and then heading home. Uhh, Jk, he stuck with me. He had shit to do the morning of, such as Vietnamese school and, returning his rented tux. We walked around for a bit, we talked it over about everything that I've been thinking of, especially tonight. He did something that, shocked me more than it really should have, and that's up for debate. It all is. As we were walking, I looked onto Snapchat, I see Kt posted something on her story. I clicked on it, it was just a pic of her and her female friend together, Jk was like "Lemme see that."
I thought he was going to look over her entire story but instead he went to her Snapchat profile and un-added her. My literal words and expression were "Wait what are you doing? Wait don't, no, no, no, no no!" And he un-added her from my Snapchat. I was like "What did you just do?" and he was like "It's for your own good." Now, the problem I have with blocking people on social media, is that, you're closing all doors. On the off-chance that the other parties have a change of mind and all that, they can't contact you anymore. It also shows signs of hatred, which, I do not have. And if she didn't remove me from Facebook, or stopped following me on Instagram, or un-added me from Snapchat, what's the reason for me to?
At that point I was, I was in shock. There was no other way for me to get it back, one of, the main communication tools I had with her. It's different from shit like Facebook and Messenger. For Facebook, you gotta come across it, you gotta scroll to it, to things. For Messenger, that shit's just personal, old-fashioned texting. Well, you get what I mean, not old-fashioned, but, simple, plain messaging. Snapchat, there's levels to it. You can post to your story and people will look at it. The temptation to see what others are doing is very strong. Also, snapstreaks. That is a way to cleverly, like, what's the word? "Low-key," tell people what you're doing. "Inconspicuous," is a more accurate word, actually, there we go.
Now, Jk explained to me about his past and how he had to do the same thing for him to get over his past GF. He, did give me some examples, of, some cringey stuff that a rational, logical, sound, -thinking person would not do. The circumstances are different yeah, but, the ideas are the complete same. I do not want to close out the doors forever though for what I feel. For him, he had to, and is fine with that. But, for me, I'm just tired of, I've been through closing doors, or, having doors closed upon me, and that just results in some fucking, stupid. Oh my god, okay, closing the doors is good, for when like, you'll never see each other and or interact, ever again. But in this case, I still have to, with KDT and all that, and, unecessary awkwardness in a club I love, it's, it's not necessary. I don't need that.
To be honest, I do not know what's going on in her head. It's still a complete mystery to me, her ways of thinking. It's completely unpredictable, but also at the same time, predictable. I've, I've made myself predictable too. And because of all this, I just, I just need to put the waiting, not on my priority list, but as like, a side quest. In the midst of having fun, for example, that time spent having fun, also contributes to time waiting. Waiting for you may ask? Waiting on the off-chance that things turn out for well for me, with all this.
Back to what I was saying, because I kept looking at Kt's snap stories, Jk un-added her from my profile. The reason why I was shocked was because 1: I had to re-add her, meaning she'd see that I sent her a request, giving her some thoughts like "Oh my god, I can't he un-added me and added me again," and 2: I did not know her Snapchat name, so, there was no other way for me to get it back. Jk suggested I need some distractions. Just, do stuff, which is harder than it sounds since everybody else is so busy. However, being the true friend he is, taking the time out of his own days, since I told him that I haven't played video-games for about 6+ months now, said he'll play Terraria with me. He also offered to get both of us gym memberships, and drive me there after school each day to just, work out.
You can see the kind of person that he is, one that, is hard to come by. And I still, can't think him enough. We stopped at one side of the street, and called an Uber. Not home, but, to Burger King, 'cause I suggested ya know, at least one place to go before we headed home, because I did not want to go home. Prom lasts until 12:00 AM for a reason, and, I just, I don't wanna sleep with all these thoughts, I don't wanna be trapped by my own thoughts like the past 2 weeks. It's not fun, it's, scary even. It's draining. It's one of the reasons why I still say "I wanna go home," even when I'm sitting here in my chair in front of my PC.
Our Uber dropped us off at Burger King. You'd think it'd be open 24/7, and you're correct. But we were wrong, because the door was locked, even though the lights were on. I'm thinking probably its not open 24/7 going into Sundays, or, the employees were just sleeping in the back and locked the doors. Fortunately for us, there was a McDonald's not too far from where we were, so we walked there. Mind you, this was like, 12:30 AM. This was going straight into my vision, my, one of my goals, which was to just walk at night in the empty streets. Luckily this ain't Chicago, heh. On the way there, we were walking on the bridge/overpass of our town, before I added Kt back (to my relief, I was able to get her Snapchat name with the feature of finding people through your contacts, and fortunately for me, we had exchanged numbers), and, I got a Snapchat from her. Which was, weird, considering how I un-added her. But, I guess it still works somehow, because our streak is still retained, as well the yellow heart. The yellow heart still shows even after all this time.
I know for a fact that I don't snap her more often than I do my usual snapstreaks, so, I'm not sure why that's still there. And after, 2 weeks, it'd turn red, but, it's, it's still yellow. Maybe it's symbolic or something, or, whatever. Also, the snap that she sent was probably for streaks, but, it was a picture of her, it, it was the closest thing, the closest a pic of her it can get, that resembles those she used to send me. It was a pic of her with the words "Best night ever." And, that got me thinking with a bit of, competition in mind. It didn't make me feel sad, no. Did it make me angry? Okay, a little, but at that moment, I knew I could use it to my advantage. I'll be using Snapchat as a platform, to brag, which is what it's meant for. I'll be doing my best to show her, Kt, how much of a BETTER time I'm having than her.
It's different from when I was exercising hard for those 3 days or so back in spring break. I was doing that, for her. And with this, bragging, trumping thing, it's not really bettering myself for her, it's more of, bettering myself, to show her, to show myself. Which is good, that, it'll bring positivity. It'll help garner and grow positivity, it, benefits me more than it does her really, heh. So there's that. We uh, I promised Jk that, I wouldn't look at her story anymore, in exchange for me adding her back, and that's a promise I'll keep, because, all the things that he has done for me and even wants to do for me, I, I can't turn my back on him, ever.
On the way to McDonalds, we see that there's a Safeway nearby. I figured they'd have a better selection of stuff than McDonald's, so we went in there instead. I took a pee break, uhhh, we looked around. We were, I at least, was pretty fucking hungry. The only thing I ate there was a cookie, and, like, 1/8th of a Sprite. I didn't want to eat too much, because if I did, and I was jumping up and down during dancing, I would throw up, so, heh. But uh, we ended up with some Arizonas and chips and, a bag of gummy bears. From this point, we were walking to Jk's house. We, he, I, could've called an Uber, but, I, I wanted to make this all last more, and plus I never really get to walk around at night. So I walked with him to his house, which, in this town, ain't exactly very far away.
He talked about how he, doesn't really care about girls anymore, how he hated girls, he, thought they were a waste of time, and just wanted to graduate to go to college already. One of his exact phrases was "I don't know when I'ma get a girlfriend again." And, that kinda surprised me, because I know for a fact that there ARE, a bunch of girls who do like him. I told him that I, I see it in him. I told him that he has the power of making the most of every conversation, he's, a conversationalist. He may not know it, but, I know it. Girls know it. He himself doesn't see that. I wanted to reassure him, that he has that power, that I do so want, heh. I am, yeah I am, jealous of that. He can do a lot with that. It's, it's even shown before, he's shown me it countless times before, and I always looked at it like "Man, I wish I could do that, but I always end up over-thinking, or not think enough and nothing comes out. I just want to hit that spot, that one spot in conversation, that's juuuust right."
Umm, the rest of what we talked about, I kinda forgot. If you were to see us out in the streets, we'd, we'd look like as if we were a pair of drunk businessmen, heh. We reached his house faster than I thought, uh, and, I directed and setup a final cut thing for the credits to roll for his part. I walked in one direction while he walked in the opposite, then when we passed, we high-fived eachother. And yeah, heh, he went home, I began my walk back to my house. It wasn't as scary as you'd think, umm, okay well there were parts where I was kinda afraid that I would be targeted by some people driving around in the Safeway parking lot, but uh, ya know, it was very relaxing. It was me, in a tuxedo, walking around at 2:00 AM, it was cold, holding a bag of gummy bears, in empty streets (for the most part), stopping at certain points to message back Cc and Lw on my trip back home. And also waiting for some crosswalk signs to flash "walking" before I said "Fuck it" and walked regardless.
I did make it back home, at around 2:30 AM. I cleaned up a bit, took off my tuxedo and changed, just, left it there on the floor (it still is on the floor as I'm typing this), and, sent my nightly snapstreak. I put it as "Bestest night ever and hey I'm not dead." You see what i did with the "bestest" part there? Yeah, heh, the first of many. So, what I want to say after all this, is that, we both, found a bit of ourselves that we didn't know we had. We helped each-other find that, that, reassurance. I reassured him that, he has potential and skills he doesn't think he has, while he reassured me, that if I were to continue this state of mind that I have right now, I'm fucking go insane, and people will think I'm insane, and it'll be too out of their control to even help me anymore. Because right now, that's what they're doing, they're helping me.
I've always wanted to help people, and in this past month, I, was the one getting help. I, cannot thank Jk, I can't thank Cc, I can't thank the cast, I can't thank everybody else enough. I will try to stop these revolutions, these, thoughts, that, revolve around somebody else. 'Cause this ain't you, Drew, this ain't you.
There could've been many bad endings and many good endings for this movie. Out of all the possible good endings for this movie though, this was one of them. That whole night, everything I had expected, it all went unexpected. Every single thing. I expected things to go really good at one point. I also expected things to take a turn for the worse and end up shit, and boring. Instead, you what happened? It turned out okay. And that is, what people ask me, because they care about me. And that is, what I want to be. I want be okay. It's 11:01 PM, this is probably my longest post to date as of April 23rd. See ya.
Saturday, April 22, 2017 "Dance 3: Prom."
Saturday, April 22, 2017
Week: 37
Songs to Remember: Stay - Zedd
I sure hope to remember what I said today and tonight, as well as what I heard, even if it's just for tonight, so that I can tell all about it tomorrow.
Really should've already made a post beforehand, like, before I left for the movie. But uh, no, here I am, writing the preview for it at, uh, what is it, 3:00 AM, heh. And spoilers, I got home about 30 minutes ago. Walked, home, 30 minutes ago. And it wasn't bad, I can tell you that. Bad as in, the reason for me having to walk home.
God, my feet are done for, heh. Others were probably worse than mine, but it was their fault for wearing heels, aight, and you can't dance in those. During the course of the movie, I did make some mistakes, but I corrected myself, with some help along the way. I learned a lot, I, I also matured, and I even made it last. One last thing I can say for this preview: I expected a lot of things, and it all went unexpected. Unexpected for the better or for worse? I'd say, for the better. Anyways, don't wanna die because it is 3:07 AM. I will see you tomorrow. We're going back to the OG closing sentence with "See you tomorrow."
Week: 37
Songs to Remember: Stay - Zedd
I sure hope to remember what I said today and tonight, as well as what I heard, even if it's just for tonight, so that I can tell all about it tomorrow.
Really should've already made a post beforehand, like, before I left for the movie. But uh, no, here I am, writing the preview for it at, uh, what is it, 3:00 AM, heh. And spoilers, I got home about 30 minutes ago. Walked, home, 30 minutes ago. And it wasn't bad, I can tell you that. Bad as in, the reason for me having to walk home.
God, my feet are done for, heh. Others were probably worse than mine, but it was their fault for wearing heels, aight, and you can't dance in those. During the course of the movie, I did make some mistakes, but I corrected myself, with some help along the way. I learned a lot, I, I also matured, and I even made it last. One last thing I can say for this preview: I expected a lot of things, and it all went unexpected. Unexpected for the better or for worse? I'd say, for the better. Anyways, don't wanna die because it is 3:07 AM. I will see you tomorrow. We're going back to the OG closing sentence with "See you tomorrow."
Saturday, April 22, 2017
Friday, April 21, 2017 "Another Stunt."
Friday, April 21, 2017
Week: 37
Songs to Remember: Easy Love - SF9, Because of You (Nu'est Produce 101 Cover) - Afterschool, Without U - Romeo, You Only Live Once - The Strokes
What do I expect? Nothing, heh. Or, just, yeah nothing, because this is something I cannot predict.
Besides the usual day, for KDT practice, there was no break, so there wasn't much to, discuss about. There was though, a lot of talking. Not much time for it, is what I'm trying to say. And no, if you were wondering, Kt was not there. The dance for GOT7's "Never Ever" was actually easier than I thought.
After school, I tried to get as much rest as I could. I uh, started another social event over Snapchat. This time though, this was more well-received, especially when I saw that Kt messaged me, asking what happened. 'Course it all felt good, it, gives you an insight on how people would act if that were to, really happen to you. Except, they do think that, and, it has not actually happened to you. In the end, I do think it's bad, throwing around care and all that, because if people find out, it's, you're going down the drain.
I told her about it and uh, she told me to take care of myself. She said that it worries her, that she was worried last time as well but, was too salty to say anything, and she apologized for that. And you know, the redeeming quality here is not that she cared, enough to message me, asking what happened. The redeeming quality is not that it worries her, but the fact that, she admitted her faults, which are in everybody, not just her. She admitted one of her faults, saying that she was, being salty last time, for not saying anything about my whole situation.
And you might be asking yourself "Drew, why are you still dwelling. You know that any more dwelling you do, it's all on you, right?" I know that. But until I get, a goal again, then, I can't really draw focuses away from it all, or, entirely. You know, a goal, or progress, like the Atr stuff, Cy stuff (or was it Cv), El, etc. I need me one of those again, but with this current setting, there's not much time to act. Yeah, there is time, but circumstances really act against that and I think it'd be some wasted effort.
You could argue that, I just don't want it enough, that I ain't putting enough effort, and that is, debateable. But, right now I'm trying to just be more focused on group stuff, like, Fanime, or the upcoming Key Club performance (which we have to be at school, at 8:00 AM, on a Sunday next week).
Yes, prom is tomorrow. The uh, the cast and I are currently planning a place to go to eat before the whole thing. Right now, I don't know who or what is driving, heh. I'm just, I'm just going with the flow right now.
Thanks to all of those who cared about my social situation over Snapchat. It really does, show me, err, makes me, feel better about myself, that I get this much support from the people who I would support no matter what. It's nice having our backs for eachother, even if it is, through a bright-lit screen. It's 1:14 AM, I, am tired. Tomorrow, I ain't going home after prom. It ends at midnight for a reason. I'll find something to do. And no need to go over etiquette anymore for dances, I think I covered that enough. We all know, what the usual happens. This one though, nobody, knows what's gonna happen. See ya.
Besides the usual day, for KDT practice, there was no break, so there wasn't much to, discuss about. There was though, a lot of talking. Not much time for it, is what I'm trying to say. And no, if you were wondering, Kt was not there. The dance for GOT7's "Never Ever" was actually easier than I thought.
After school, I tried to get as much rest as I could. I uh, started another social event over Snapchat. This time though, this was more well-received, especially when I saw that Kt messaged me, asking what happened. 'Course it all felt good, it, gives you an insight on how people would act if that were to, really happen to you. Except, they do think that, and, it has not actually happened to you. In the end, I do think it's bad, throwing around care and all that, because if people find out, it's, you're going down the drain.
I told her about it and uh, she told me to take care of myself. She said that it worries her, that she was worried last time as well but, was too salty to say anything, and she apologized for that. And you know, the redeeming quality here is not that she cared, enough to message me, asking what happened. The redeeming quality is not that it worries her, but the fact that, she admitted her faults, which are in everybody, not just her. She admitted one of her faults, saying that she was, being salty last time, for not saying anything about my whole situation.
And you might be asking yourself "Drew, why are you still dwelling. You know that any more dwelling you do, it's all on you, right?" I know that. But until I get, a goal again, then, I can't really draw focuses away from it all, or, entirely. You know, a goal, or progress, like the Atr stuff, Cy stuff (or was it Cv), El, etc. I need me one of those again, but with this current setting, there's not much time to act. Yeah, there is time, but circumstances really act against that and I think it'd be some wasted effort.
You could argue that, I just don't want it enough, that I ain't putting enough effort, and that is, debateable. But, right now I'm trying to just be more focused on group stuff, like, Fanime, or the upcoming Key Club performance (which we have to be at school, at 8:00 AM, on a Sunday next week).
Yes, prom is tomorrow. The uh, the cast and I are currently planning a place to go to eat before the whole thing. Right now, I don't know who or what is driving, heh. I'm just, I'm just going with the flow right now.
Thanks to all of those who cared about my social situation over Snapchat. It really does, show me, err, makes me, feel better about myself, that I get this much support from the people who I would support no matter what. It's nice having our backs for eachother, even if it is, through a bright-lit screen. It's 1:14 AM, I, am tired. Tomorrow, I ain't going home after prom. It ends at midnight for a reason. I'll find something to do. And no need to go over etiquette anymore for dances, I think I covered that enough. We all know, what the usual happens. This one though, nobody, knows what's gonna happen. See ya.
Friday, April 21, 2017
Thursday, April 20, 2017 "Oneitis."
Thursday, April 20, 2017
Week: 37
Songs to Remember: Press Your Number - Taemin, Because of You (Nu'est Produce 101 Cover) - Afterschool,
There was something I wanted to write about, err, something I forgot to mention yesterday but remembered today, but now forgot.
This whole week has been a mess. I, it's always been a mess with these kinds of week, where it's not a normal week. I mean, there's been two days where I actually got myself some sleep, only because I don't have to get up until 11:00 AM. Then there's a minimum day, aka Wednesday. You got the usual Monday and Friday, but that shit is just worn out. Monday was uh, is a thing of the past.
Anyways, I saw the word "onetitis" today. I saw it before, however it was so long ago and obscure that I forgot about it. Looked it up and I wished I sorta re-discovered it earlier 'cause that was exactly what I had. Basically a disease that makes you think that one girl is special, no matter what. There are actually remedies to prove that people are more alike than you'd think. You can read up the urban dictionary entry for it yourself.
Not sure if I quoted it before but what Merlin from Excalibur said about love, that "Love is deaf as well blind, yes that's it!" It is very true, and I do believe. And so, enough of that. Today was an average day of me sitting in class, and looking at the clock. It does seem kinda pointless to get ready and dressed, to go to school for three hours only, and then going home after. I've since had nothing really to do. I have my daily naps in the afternoon, because I really do feel tired, although I don't even do much that makes me tired.
Tomorrow is Friday, and uh, that's gonna be a really, really long day, because it's a regular full day. That, plus there's KDT practice for GOT7's "Never Ever." Then gonna plan out what to bring and a schedule for Saturday. I, uh, there REALLY is no planning for this one anymore. I have no idea, what is going to happen, even what to expect. All I know is that I'm gonna go all-out. Nobody's going to remember what happened at prom, unless there's illegal shit happening but uh, yeah nobody's going to remember, except, yourself. And that's only if you do shit that makes it memorable. Or, choose to remember it.
In the end, it's a godamn High school dance, heh. Compared to other events in life, I'd say it's minuscule. And, yeah, it's 10:17 PM, we got, we got some paperwork and mixes due next week, but that can wait. Uhhh, see ya. Okay actually, not see ya just yet. So you know how DrewN ranted to me a bit about his problems? His life-love problems? Social problems? I respected that. I actually like, hearing people talk, rants especially, because I like hearing other people's ways of thinking, their perspectives, because it's always different. A different person, a different perspective. It's also healthy to rant to; gives you a much clearer thought and more logical, rational decisions that are not impulsive or rash, heh.
Could explain why I love commentaries so much. Anyways, Jh's been ranting a bit in the group chat about his problems with his prom date. or actually, the problems that his buddy is causing between him and his prom date. It's seems to him that his plans are kinda going to shit because of it, and ya know, I've been in his situation before/ understand him, it's understandable, so, I don't want him to make any mistakes that he doesn't want to make.
It's also a way that I want to repay those who have helped me before. Ya know, like Ln, Rh, Cc, Bp, etc. That helping hand, that "Are you okay? You good?" or lending an ear to somebody whose voice has been under their breath for a while, it gives them a ray of light, or a vine, to climb on and be heard. I've, I've always liked it when people notice me and say hi. I've always respected how people do concern for me, even for just asking if I'm okay. That's, it's one of the most powerful, yet small and simple things, you can do. A wave, a hello, an "Are you okay?"
It's 10:27 PM, got some shit to write down, uh, I'l talk more in tomorrow's post before the day of the big movie premier. See ya.
Week: 37
Songs to Remember: Press Your Number - Taemin, Because of You (Nu'est Produce 101 Cover) - Afterschool,
There was something I wanted to write about, err, something I forgot to mention yesterday but remembered today, but now forgot.
This whole week has been a mess. I, it's always been a mess with these kinds of week, where it's not a normal week. I mean, there's been two days where I actually got myself some sleep, only because I don't have to get up until 11:00 AM. Then there's a minimum day, aka Wednesday. You got the usual Monday and Friday, but that shit is just worn out. Monday was uh, is a thing of the past.
Anyways, I saw the word "onetitis" today. I saw it before, however it was so long ago and obscure that I forgot about it. Looked it up and I wished I sorta re-discovered it earlier 'cause that was exactly what I had. Basically a disease that makes you think that one girl is special, no matter what. There are actually remedies to prove that people are more alike than you'd think. You can read up the urban dictionary entry for it yourself.
Not sure if I quoted it before but what Merlin from Excalibur said about love, that "Love is deaf as well blind, yes that's it!" It is very true, and I do believe. And so, enough of that. Today was an average day of me sitting in class, and looking at the clock. It does seem kinda pointless to get ready and dressed, to go to school for three hours only, and then going home after. I've since had nothing really to do. I have my daily naps in the afternoon, because I really do feel tired, although I don't even do much that makes me tired.
Tomorrow is Friday, and uh, that's gonna be a really, really long day, because it's a regular full day. That, plus there's KDT practice for GOT7's "Never Ever." Then gonna plan out what to bring and a schedule for Saturday. I, uh, there REALLY is no planning for this one anymore. I have no idea, what is going to happen, even what to expect. All I know is that I'm gonna go all-out. Nobody's going to remember what happened at prom, unless there's illegal shit happening but uh, yeah nobody's going to remember, except, yourself. And that's only if you do shit that makes it memorable. Or, choose to remember it.
In the end, it's a godamn High school dance, heh. Compared to other events in life, I'd say it's minuscule. And, yeah, it's 10:17 PM, we got, we got some paperwork and mixes due next week, but that can wait. Uhhh, see ya. Okay actually, not see ya just yet. So you know how DrewN ranted to me a bit about his problems? His life-love problems? Social problems? I respected that. I actually like, hearing people talk, rants especially, because I like hearing other people's ways of thinking, their perspectives, because it's always different. A different person, a different perspective. It's also healthy to rant to; gives you a much clearer thought and more logical, rational decisions that are not impulsive or rash, heh.
Could explain why I love commentaries so much. Anyways, Jh's been ranting a bit in the group chat about his problems with his prom date. or actually, the problems that his buddy is causing between him and his prom date. It's seems to him that his plans are kinda going to shit because of it, and ya know, I've been in his situation before/ understand him, it's understandable, so, I don't want him to make any mistakes that he doesn't want to make.
It's also a way that I want to repay those who have helped me before. Ya know, like Ln, Rh, Cc, Bp, etc. That helping hand, that "Are you okay? You good?" or lending an ear to somebody whose voice has been under their breath for a while, it gives them a ray of light, or a vine, to climb on and be heard. I've, I've always liked it when people notice me and say hi. I've always respected how people do concern for me, even for just asking if I'm okay. That's, it's one of the most powerful, yet small and simple things, you can do. A wave, a hello, an "Are you okay?"
It's 10:27 PM, got some shit to write down, uh, I'l talk more in tomorrow's post before the day of the big movie premier. See ya.
Thursday, April 20, 2017
Wednesday, April 19, 2017 "Flash Recall."
Wednesday, April 19, 2017
Week: 37
Songs to Remember: Without U - Romeo, Because of You (Nu'est Produce 101 Cover) - Afterschool, Really Really - WINNER, Plz Don't be Sad - Highlight, I'm Not Gonna Teach (The Twelves)
The amount of times I've recited or recalled the entire past situation with Kt, from start to end, I've done it so many times now that I can basically, yeah, recall most of the details effortlessly.
And after so many times of that, I did learn a lot from those mistakes that are found in it, in the story. And since I can recall it so effortlessly, it'd make for a great story-time to tell if people want to know one of my most cherished experiences.
Like just today. After all the boring classes with me, just staring at the time, and the boring AP orientation, etc, etc, I uh, I had some time to kill after school with DrewN. He, I, we both talked about our recent relationships, his current but, you get what I'm saying. We talked a lot about how we felt and all that. Turns out, his wasn't as smooth as I had thought, as he had thought as well, heh. We both shared some of our dark moments of uh, depression and whatnot with it all, which I was surprised because, you know, I thought his was like, perfect, or close to.
We both had thought that "Oh I ain't gonna overthink anything, what's there to overthink about. This shit's, not gonna be that complicated, I mean," and then uh, yeah, we both end up over-thinking shit, heh. It was nice though, to express all this and have some mutual understanding like "Yeah, I know exactly, what you mean." Very nice.
Umm, but yeah, got some papers to sign for uh, graduation. As in like, senior contracts and whatnot. Uh, we all each get 7 tickets for graduation, which are for people like your parents and etc, to come and watch. I think I'll only be needing three though, which is for my cousin, and my parents. The rest I guess, can be for, some underclass-men friends? Not sure who though really.
Also, ya'll might be wondering "Drew, are you going to anybody to prom? Did you ask that one girl in your Chinese class?" and the answer is: no, heh. To both. I mean looking at it, it could be fun, could not. However, there is a much large chance, that I will have fun just, making jokes with Jk for the night, until the off-chance that either of us find somebody at prom to yike with, or... something. Just a joke, but umm, heh, yeah, I'd rather not be committed to somebody for a whole 5+ hours 'till midnight, unless I really do care about that person. This girl, I barely knew, barely talked, we only sat together a few times. The only commonalty I know that we both have, is that we suck ass at Chinese, heh, that's pretty much it.
Currently, uh, my view on this all of this, this, has changed, drastically. Not really sad, the sadness has pretty much subsided. What's taken its place is like a nothingness, but it's not bad. It's like a neutral gray blob, is the best way I can describe it. It's like, I'm waiting for something happen so I can shape it, I can shape it for a different feeling or emotion. Like for Fanime, I'm hoping to shape it with my love for Japanese culture, as well as making jokes and having fun with friends over a similar commonality: anime/ Japanese culture.
That's pretty much the only example I can give right now because the rest of the upcoming planned events, I don't what to plan to feel for, heh. Anyways, finally finished editing my performance cover edit for NCT U's "The 7th Sense." It's been uploaded and has basically been my substitute for prom pictures, heh. I still got another one to do though, so maybe I'll stay up tonight for it. I do get to sleep until 11:00 AM though, so that's reassuring.
And yeah, it's 10:56 PM, see ya.
Wednesday, April 19, 2017
Tuesday, April 18, 2017 "Good But Bad."
Tuesday, April 18, 2017
Week: 37
Songs to Remember: Without U - Romeo
A lot, of songs that I have listened to recently remind of bad times. Well not necessarily bad times, just, times when I was at my lowest.
And so therefore, even though they're good, I can't listen to 'em. Except for Romeo's "Without U," it's cheery enough and good enough that it outweighs the lows. This upcoming Friday is practice for GOT7's "Never Ever," which is also another bompin' song, that also reminds me of low times. I will, however, try to trudge through that, heh.
Been busy editing my dance edit that I will post for everybody to see. It's just something to do, and I always wanted to do it, so, there we go. It's 1:53 AM, not really any work, besides, personal work. Tomorrow is Wednesday, which is a short day, but I will have to stay after a whole hour and a half for AP form-filling orientation, with all the seniors. And, yeah. Overall, things are looking, unexpected, unique, and kinda hyphy, heh.
By the way, last night I got fucking 15 hours in total, of sleep. I took a nap at 8:00 PM, woke up at 4:30 AM, cleaned up a bit, went back to sleep, it was SBAC testing so I got to sleep in 'till 11:00 AM, and bam, 15 hours. That is the most amount of sleep I've gotten within 24 hours, not including the hour-and-a-half nap I took this afternoon. Anyways, expect some unexpected shit. See ya.
A lot, of songs that I have listened to recently remind of bad times. Well not necessarily bad times, just, times when I was at my lowest.
And so therefore, even though they're good, I can't listen to 'em. Except for Romeo's "Without U," it's cheery enough and good enough that it outweighs the lows. This upcoming Friday is practice for GOT7's "Never Ever," which is also another bompin' song, that also reminds me of low times. I will, however, try to trudge through that, heh.
Been busy editing my dance edit that I will post for everybody to see. It's just something to do, and I always wanted to do it, so, there we go. It's 1:53 AM, not really any work, besides, personal work. Tomorrow is Wednesday, which is a short day, but I will have to stay after a whole hour and a half for AP form-filling orientation, with all the seniors. And, yeah. Overall, things are looking, unexpected, unique, and kinda hyphy, heh.
By the way, last night I got fucking 15 hours in total, of sleep. I took a nap at 8:00 PM, woke up at 4:30 AM, cleaned up a bit, went back to sleep, it was SBAC testing so I got to sleep in 'till 11:00 AM, and bam, 15 hours. That is the most amount of sleep I've gotten within 24 hours, not including the hour-and-a-half nap I took this afternoon. Anyways, expect some unexpected shit. See ya.
Monday, April 17, 2017
Monday, April 17, 2017 "My Coming of Age."
Monday, April 17, 2017
Week: 37
Songs to Remember: Not Today - BTS, I'm Not Kidding - SUHO, For All I Am - Lisa Smith
You wanna know something? Kb is a strong dude. He got broken up with, stolen, saw his girl get asked out in a promposal, and has to withstand the PDA or whatever, during those KDT practices.
I'm not sure how much he grieved though, but for a freshman, seeing him so lively even after all that, he is strong. Me? I always said I wanted my own coming-of-age movie, and, uh, I pretty much got it.
You're all probably wondering what happened. Well, sorry to disappoint, but things did not go my way. Sad, I know, but there's also good that comes with this. Here's what happened. Yesterday, err, last night, I asked one of Kt's friends on Instagram (she doesn't know) about Kt. Finally got a reply, told her a synopsis of my perspective. She gave me some confirmed qualities about Kt, and told me I needed to talk to her.
I told her "Uh, I already did. She, ain't gonna believe whatever I say." I was trying, making an effort, to get it through with her (Kt's close friend) that I already had talked to her, and if I do anymore, she'll be driven even more away. However, she insisted that I do, and she even told Kt that, she should talk to me. I uh, I had mixed feelings about all that, but with the help of Mp and Kt's friend, I was determined that, this was my last chance, and if I waited any longer, not sure what would come of that. Probably a lot of wasted time.
I had a script ready, planned for today. I had Sc and Hy proof-read it, to make sure it seemed, good enough. They're like "Yeah, looks good. If she doesn't say yes to you from all this, then, nothing else will." Girls and guys have, really, really different minds, so, it's always nice to get opinions from the opposite side of the spectrum. The whole day I was pretty nervous, my heart was heavy, like, the hardest point was during lunch, when I couldn't find Kt anywhere, so I could talk to her.
I originally was going to wait until after KDT practice, but, Mp said that she wasn't sure if Kt would be there or not, and Mp wasn't going either, so, that was a pretty big "NO" decision for me, to uh, wait until after practice. So I decided I needed to talk to her during lunch. I eventually found her towards the middle of lunch time. She was with a friend. I caught up with them, asked her if I could talk to her. She said she was busy right now, I was like "Sure, maybe another time," even though on the inside I was like "Oh my fucking, I just need 10 minutes." They walked into the theater, I walked back to the cast's table and told 'em I was gonna head to 5th period.
It wasn't my 5th period though. Luckily I'm familiar, just a bit, with the teacher whom Kt T.A's for during her 5th period class. I was like "Hey Mr.Blank. I was in your Biology class, freshman year, in 3rd period, with us, Ms.Blank, when you were still helping teaching." He didn't recognize me, but he did say I probably grew a lot. A very, understandable dude. I asked him if it was okay if I could talk to Kt during SSR. He was like "Are you gonna upset her?" and I'm like "I hope not, I, those aren't my intentions, it's actually the opposite of that." "What's it about?" "Just uh, drama. A lot of drama, actually." "Is it boy and girl stuff?" "Yeah." "Alright, well, whatever happens, it's not the end of the world. If she rejects anything, respect her wishes, etc." "Once you're both here, I'll move you both to the teacher's room over there."
I was like "Damn, he is one cool dude." I mean, he's already been through High school, he, basically knows what shit happens. Not sure if shit like this happens often, shit like, my situation, but I can, probably think of worse ones, so, heh. Anyways, I'm pacing around the top floor of the L-building, going over what I'm going to say. And of course, my heart was, racing. When the lunch bell rang, I uh, stayed outside a bit longer, and then when the final bell rang, I went back in, he pointed me to the couch inside the teacher's lab lounge. I'm sitting there, nervous as heck. Just sitting on that couch, waiting, just brings bad vibes, I don't know.
Kt eventually comes in, finds me, and uh, we talk. I basically told her, all that I had to say. And uh, we exchanged truths, about things. We, asked each other questions, doubts, that we've had. It was, I got to know a lot. Although I, I basically did most of, most major things, of what I could, she just, couldn't take me back. Not because of trust (although maybe partially). She said things along the lines of "I'm not entirely straight, I'm just not looking for a relationship right now, you stressing about me stresses me out," etc. And of course, I'm sure for her, there's a lot more reasons than just that. I don't think there's one, definite reason.
And from her perspective, I understand. She's going through, a very tough time. You got a mom, nagging her about grades (which, ehhhh), she has to be forced to sneak to practices, etc. [REDACTED], uhhh, [REDACTED], just a whole bunch of shit, that I probably will never get, because, I am a boy, and we are living in two different situations. I took Mr.Blank's advice, as well as my own, and respected that. I asked her if we could still go to prom, but by then she had already found somebody else to go with her, which, I still, don't know entirely if that is true, or not. I don't, it doesn't concern though. As long as she's fine with it, I'm fine with it, ya know. And she probably would say no, even if she didn't have a date. She also told me to take it as learning experience, since this was my first one. In my mind I was kinda, offended by that, like, "Hey I'm older than you, what do you mean by 'take this as a learning experience'?" But deep down, I did know, that this was all just, experiences.
Having exhausted my resources, she got up, told me "You should get back to class" and left. I didn't get up immediately. It, took me about 10 seconds to process it all in like "Okay, she said no, this means you're done, Drew. That's it, you tried your best, this is an end to a chapter. New beginnings, DREW GET YOUR FUCKING ASS UP." And I proceeded to leave. Also Mr.Blank wrote me a pass to class, which was nice, even though my 5th period teacher doesn't care much for tardies because people come in wayyyy, later than I do.
And I wasn't sad about it. Well, I mean of course I was sad, but it wasn't a depression sort of sad. It was like, deep sighs. It was just to reset myself, and I had to, I sighed so much. And by sigh, I mean, a long breathing action, through my nose, kind of sigh. I was, it was a really big weight off my shoulders. I began with spreading the positivity that finally was able to see the light, from my heart. I messaged Kt's friend about it, thanking her for, if it weren't for her, I wouldn't have been able to have done this. I thanked Mp for her companionship and how good of a friend she was. I thanked Cc for it too, because she was, hoooo boy, she was more deeply involved than anybody I'd imagine. I don't know.
Saying all those thank-yous really seemed like fucking, suicide pre-thank-you's, heh, but uh, they did help. After 5th period though, with all this positivity, I did not want to be reminded of any negativity. I did not, want me and Kt to end off on a bad note. I managed to catch her during the 5th period walk time. I told her some last few things that I forgot to mention, she, seemed kinda tired and sick of it all, and to be honest, I was too. I told her it wasn't what she thought, I uh, I just wanted to let her know that I'm open to being friends, and if she didn't want it, I'd respect that. She did seem like she was in a hurry though, and just needed time away from the image of me, heh, so I let her go.
I was feeling pretty, proud of myself. I noticed I even had more energy in Chinese. I was, there was no social anxiety whatsoever. KDT practice wasn't as stressful as I had thought. It really, it reminded me, all those who got me this far, even from last year. I can't thank 'em enough. I had so much energy, I channeled that into dancing, I think people had a great time.
A couple things I wanna say about all this. This was, pretty much like a coming-of-age thing, heh. You have me, the naive main character, you gt the plot, the uh, problems, etc. You got the lowest points, high points, journeys, you got the grand-teacher that teaches me some wisdom (Mr.Blank in this case, which really did fit, heh). It's like, yeah, a Hero's Journey. Or if I prefer, a coming-of-age movie. Series. Whichever, heh.
Although I did not try my best, this was close though, I did way more than what an average person would do in a situation like this. And that is something for me to be proud of. One last thing before this whole thing gets buried in a sea of memories. Wait I actually should save that for the last, last episode, it sounds like a really good closing. Okay well, I'll think of something else then. Before this whole chapter, this chronicle, gets buried in a sea of memories, I just wanna say: if a younger version of myself were to see my today, and I told him what I had just done in the past 30 days, he probably be like "Damn, you did all that? Holy fuck you turned out to be cool! Wait I mean, me!" or something like that, heh. I'd say my younger self would be proud.
So what's going on now? What's happening next? Well, tomorrow and Thursday is SBAC testing for the juniors, which means, everybody else gets to sleep in until, like, until you gotta get to school by 12:00 PM or something. And then uh, and then Saturday is, prom, aka, the final movie for the whole series. I don't think anybody, could have predicted any of this. And if people couldn't predict this, then the rest of what happens on from here, is definitely gonna be a surprise. See ya.
And to dispel the rumors, the one that people will "never know and are left wondering," the scribbled thing on that list that Kt made, it was actually to dye our hair. Also, just to note, it did rain today, a light rain, a sprinkle. Sky was cloudy. Very, symbolic with all this. Alright, ya'll happy, heh? Alright, see ya.
And to dispel the rumors, the one that people will "never know and are left wondering," the scribbled thing on that list that Kt made, it was actually to dye our hair. Also, just to note, it did rain today, a light rain, a sprinkle. Sky was cloudy. Very, symbolic with all this. Alright, ya'll happy, heh? Alright, see ya.
Sunday, April 16, 2017 "Ventriloquism."
Sunday, April 16, 2017
Week: 36
Songs to Remember:
Are you ready for a proper post? It'll be like one of the old days, where I talk on and on about a topic.
And I'm talking, old, old days, where posts weren't just "1st period, 2nd period, etc." This is gonna be one of those classic posts, where it demonstrates my state of thinking, my mental age, of it. So it goes. Today's topic, is gonna be: words. Words, what are they? They're bigger sounds, made up of letters, or, smaller sounds. Words are just words, by themselves. They have no meaning, until they are put together in a sentence, phrase, or question.
Words, when put together, can become very powerful. For example, instead of "I was really sad about it all," you could say "I felt distraught in what I had done." They add inflection, depth, to talk. You gotta choose your words carefully, because you gotta make sure people interpret them the way YOU, want them to interpret it, and not in any other ways.
One thing to note though. Even with all the books in the world, you could say all of it, recite all of it, combine them all in every way possible, but in the end, they are still words. What's more stronger than words? Actions, that's right. If you get the chance to, use actions, instead of words, to show how you're feeling, or what you mean. A simple "thank you," can instead be a meaningful hug. Of course, you can always combine words and actions for a greater effect.
With actions, you're exerting more energy, putting more energy into conveying meaning, more energy than just moving your lips, tongue, and breathing oxygen, which, most people can do, heh. Put actions above talk, is what I'm saying. However, if you are looking for something witty to say, just look to songs or books, yeah, heh. These however, are better said, in my opinion, because with that, people are less likely able to track down what you said and see that you just, copied it from some song lyrics or a movie or whatever, heh.
So yeah, that's what I think right now. That was, as close to what a classic post as I could get it to. Currently the fans are demanding updates on what's been going on, some more inflection on matters, so I'ma give it to them. Tomorrow there's school, and, I gotta finish doing, I mean, copying down answers for math. And, starting to learn BTS' "Not Today," because I will be teaching it tomorrow.
I've been meaning to talk to Cc about the whole Kt situation, but Cc's been busy and going places recently so, I, do not want to bother her, and, she has no time to deal with technology. And I wish, that could be me too, but considering I cannot sleep, there's, nothing much I can do, heh. I've had a lot of built-up emotions inside, worries, etc, that I've been wanting to release, to, confide, with someone, anybody.
Just a disclaimer, I do not recommend keeping that stuff built up inside you. Because when it comes out, if it's not controlled, you will regret it, like I did. I remember from long ago, I don't know where, but I read something that used an analogy of an owl, a snake, and a turtle. The owl talks out his frustrations, the turtle keeps it in, and the snake lashes out angrily on it all. I was, I've been, the turtle, for quite some time. And it's not good. You get so much stuff built up, that it leaks to other places in your mind. You end up talking to yourself, in your mind, with all that. It's not healthy, you will lose sleep, you get more stressed, your actions will not be what you'd normally do.
I was breathing heavily, thinking about it all this morning, and so I had to let it out to somebody. I messaged Mp about it all. I asked her some general stuff that I wondered like, "Did Kt talk about me recently," and etc, etc. The last that she did, according to Mp, or to Mp at least, was that I talked to her at the park. I explained to Mp the whole situation of what's going on, filled in her in in case she didn't know, and uh, Mp replied to me some intel that, I did not know. She said, that Kt sent her a snap (probably to others as well), that she had no prom date. My mind was like "Uhhhhhhhhhhwwwhhhhaaat?"
I don't know what or why, but I ain't questioning it. And so with that, I asked Mp if she could suggest to Kt to go to prom with me then, that, since Kt doesn't trust me, I somebody that Kt does trust, to, be a voice of reason, basically. Because since Kt told me, long ago, that a close friend of hers was the reason why she asked me out, I'm hoping that that'll be the same reason for her to, give me an opportunity to try once more with her. So far I've only talked to Mp about all this. I uh, I was going to ask some of Kt's other close friends (who I am not really close with though) if they could help me or provide me some information. I have yet to though, on the account that Kt might find out and, I'd be, essentially 100% screwed out of, have anything to do with her again.
This is not the way I want to be doing things, which is, manipulative, and shady. But this is the only thing I have left. I am, painted, as an un-trustworthy person, but if you were to ask any 5 people that know me, I'm pretty sure all 5 would vouch for me and say that I am, trustworthy. And this is also why I chose the topic of words, because currently my words mean nothing. Umm, to her. However, other people's words do mean something to her, and, right now, all I can do, are actions. However, she doesn't really like that either, so I'm essentially, just, a mind. Floating there. Kinda sucks, but yeah.
My only hope now, is for people to convince her for one, last, chance. Preferably before prom because then I'll have more things to do, more actions, to prove that, to gain her trust again, and that getting back together with me, giving me a second chance at it all, was not a bad decision.
Anyways, gonna get started on work now.
Week: 36
Songs to Remember:
Are you ready for a proper post? It'll be like one of the old days, where I talk on and on about a topic.
And I'm talking, old, old days, where posts weren't just "1st period, 2nd period, etc." This is gonna be one of those classic posts, where it demonstrates my state of thinking, my mental age, of it. So it goes. Today's topic, is gonna be: words. Words, what are they? They're bigger sounds, made up of letters, or, smaller sounds. Words are just words, by themselves. They have no meaning, until they are put together in a sentence, phrase, or question.
Words, when put together, can become very powerful. For example, instead of "I was really sad about it all," you could say "I felt distraught in what I had done." They add inflection, depth, to talk. You gotta choose your words carefully, because you gotta make sure people interpret them the way YOU, want them to interpret it, and not in any other ways.
One thing to note though. Even with all the books in the world, you could say all of it, recite all of it, combine them all in every way possible, but in the end, they are still words. What's more stronger than words? Actions, that's right. If you get the chance to, use actions, instead of words, to show how you're feeling, or what you mean. A simple "thank you," can instead be a meaningful hug. Of course, you can always combine words and actions for a greater effect.
With actions, you're exerting more energy, putting more energy into conveying meaning, more energy than just moving your lips, tongue, and breathing oxygen, which, most people can do, heh. Put actions above talk, is what I'm saying. However, if you are looking for something witty to say, just look to songs or books, yeah, heh. These however, are better said, in my opinion, because with that, people are less likely able to track down what you said and see that you just, copied it from some song lyrics or a movie or whatever, heh.
So yeah, that's what I think right now. That was, as close to what a classic post as I could get it to. Currently the fans are demanding updates on what's been going on, some more inflection on matters, so I'ma give it to them. Tomorrow there's school, and, I gotta finish doing, I mean, copying down answers for math. And, starting to learn BTS' "Not Today," because I will be teaching it tomorrow.
I've been meaning to talk to Cc about the whole Kt situation, but Cc's been busy and going places recently so, I, do not want to bother her, and, she has no time to deal with technology. And I wish, that could be me too, but considering I cannot sleep, there's, nothing much I can do, heh. I've had a lot of built-up emotions inside, worries, etc, that I've been wanting to release, to, confide, with someone, anybody.
Just a disclaimer, I do not recommend keeping that stuff built up inside you. Because when it comes out, if it's not controlled, you will regret it, like I did. I remember from long ago, I don't know where, but I read something that used an analogy of an owl, a snake, and a turtle. The owl talks out his frustrations, the turtle keeps it in, and the snake lashes out angrily on it all. I was, I've been, the turtle, for quite some time. And it's not good. You get so much stuff built up, that it leaks to other places in your mind. You end up talking to yourself, in your mind, with all that. It's not healthy, you will lose sleep, you get more stressed, your actions will not be what you'd normally do.
I was breathing heavily, thinking about it all this morning, and so I had to let it out to somebody. I messaged Mp about it all. I asked her some general stuff that I wondered like, "Did Kt talk about me recently," and etc, etc. The last that she did, according to Mp, or to Mp at least, was that I talked to her at the park. I explained to Mp the whole situation of what's going on, filled in her in in case she didn't know, and uh, Mp replied to me some intel that, I did not know. She said, that Kt sent her a snap (probably to others as well), that she had no prom date. My mind was like "Uhhhhhhhhhhwwwhhhhaaat?"
I don't know what or why, but I ain't questioning it. And so with that, I asked Mp if she could suggest to Kt to go to prom with me then, that, since Kt doesn't trust me, I somebody that Kt does trust, to, be a voice of reason, basically. Because since Kt told me, long ago, that a close friend of hers was the reason why she asked me out, I'm hoping that that'll be the same reason for her to, give me an opportunity to try once more with her. So far I've only talked to Mp about all this. I uh, I was going to ask some of Kt's other close friends (who I am not really close with though) if they could help me or provide me some information. I have yet to though, on the account that Kt might find out and, I'd be, essentially 100% screwed out of, have anything to do with her again.
This is not the way I want to be doing things, which is, manipulative, and shady. But this is the only thing I have left. I am, painted, as an un-trustworthy person, but if you were to ask any 5 people that know me, I'm pretty sure all 5 would vouch for me and say that I am, trustworthy. And this is also why I chose the topic of words, because currently my words mean nothing. Umm, to her. However, other people's words do mean something to her, and, right now, all I can do, are actions. However, she doesn't really like that either, so I'm essentially, just, a mind. Floating there. Kinda sucks, but yeah.
My only hope now, is for people to convince her for one, last, chance. Preferably before prom because then I'll have more things to do, more actions, to prove that, to gain her trust again, and that getting back together with me, giving me a second chance at it all, was not a bad decision.
Anyways, gonna get started on work now.
Sunday, April 16, 2017
Saturday, April 15, 2017 "Normie Row."
Saturday, April 15, 2017
Week: 36
Songs to Remember: Beautiful - CHANGMO
My room is, trashed. Ek and Lw and their buddies took over 4 hours, to get their makeup and hair done for the prom photos.
We didn't even get to go to that other city near us because of that, and so we had to settle for this area outside this mall instead, as well as inside the mall. Which is a high-class area, similar to Glendale. However, so many people take pictures there that it has become a normie, place. I did, however, get to film my uh, dance edits. Still waiting on downloads and uploads before I can fully start on 'em.
Things are still rough, I, I still feel rough. I'm banking on Cc as the source for all my info. She's been pretty much involved since the beginning of it all, and is trustworthy, so, it's, obvious and easy for me to confide whatever I'm feeling, with her. I think a lot of people feel the same way as well, as demonstrated before. And yeah, it's 12:12 AM, I am, of course, tired. See ya.
Saturday, April 15, 2017
Friday, April 14, 2017 "Continued."
Friday, April 14, 2017
Week: 36
Songs to Remember: Life in Grey (Khamsin Remix) - Point Point
It's amazing to see how these posts have changed. You could really see the progression of how excited, naive, ambitious, I was, from the start of the year to, about maybe a couple weeks ago or something.
I still wanna keep this going. There's only a few more seasons left of this before I gotta kiss this series goodbye. Oh fuck, almost forgot about this post. I left this off at like 4:00 PM, and uh, it's now 12:47 AM, and, I'm tired after practice and learning NCT U's "The 7th Sense" for my, tomorrow's dance edit. I'll also be photographing Ek and Lw's prom group, and then it'll be me, Jk, Lw, and Ek "BART"-ing to another city nearby, of which, we will just fuck around. I am not looking forward to walking around, in my tuxedo. heh.
But yeah, this was meant to be a meaningful post but I guess I'll save that for maybe tomorrow, if, I'm not too tired. Anyways, see ya.
Week: 36
Songs to Remember: Life in Grey (Khamsin Remix) - Point Point
It's amazing to see how these posts have changed. You could really see the progression of how excited, naive, ambitious, I was, from the start of the year to, about maybe a couple weeks ago or something.
I still wanna keep this going. There's only a few more seasons left of this before I gotta kiss this series goodbye. Oh fuck, almost forgot about this post. I left this off at like 4:00 PM, and uh, it's now 12:47 AM, and, I'm tired after practice and learning NCT U's "The 7th Sense" for my, tomorrow's dance edit. I'll also be photographing Ek and Lw's prom group, and then it'll be me, Jk, Lw, and Ek "BART"-ing to another city nearby, of which, we will just fuck around. I am not looking forward to walking around, in my tuxedo. heh.
But yeah, this was meant to be a meaningful post but I guess I'll save that for maybe tomorrow, if, I'm not too tired. Anyways, see ya.
Friday, April 14, 2017
Thursday, April 13, 2017 "A Day for Positivity."
Thursday, April 13, 2017
Week: 36
Songs to Remember: Love Is - Teen Top, Geek in the Pink - Jason Mraz, Waves (Robin Schulz Radio Edit) - Mr. Probz
I still feel sad, that's a given, heh. But today is a day for positivity, as today was DrewN,'s birthday party.
His birthday's next week, but with school and all, not much time to celebrate. So yeah, I stayed at his house for quite a while, from 12:30 PM to 10:30 PM, which was about, 2 hours ago. It's 12:44 AM now. I had a good time, very nice time. There was Ek, Lw, Jh, DrewN of course, Jk, me, Vb (who I have not talked to in a while), as well as DrewH (who I have not talked to in a while either).
Tomorrow I was planning to go hiking with Bp. But, the location is apparently a 50+ minute drive away, so, no thanks, heh. Tomorrow will just be a regular day, and, uh, Saturday will just be travels upon travels, with pictures of course. I will be taking prom photos for Ek and Lw's people, as well as Jk, and uh, have people shoot some videos for me too. Definitely not looking forward to walking everywhere with my tuxedo on, because it will be very, very hot.
Anyways, don't fake social situations. Maybe once or twice, but be careful. And so, see ya.
Wednesday, April 12, 2017
Wednesday, April 12, 2017 "Persistent."
Wednesday, April 12, 2017
Week: 36
Songs to Remember: Pick Me 2 - Produce 101, Love Is - Teen Top
Today has just been very tiring. I felt very sluggish, I didn't really do much exercising. I guess I'll just have this day be a rest day, which is good, it's needed. I also staged a fake social situation, which, I am not proud of. But I told people not to worry about it, so, I, eh?
Okay, never stage a social situation. Because if people find out, your trust/ respect is going to plummet. Thankfully I am not stupid enough to, search on Google some generic stock POV images. So I don't think anybody can find it from the thousands of images out there. Umm, but yeah, this was only something to try out, only because I am that desperate for attention, I will admit that. Not proud of this whole thing, but it did make me feel better.
I bet ya'll are still wondering about the Kt situation. I'm uh, I'm not feeling as positive as I was yesterday during that epiphany moment. But, I'm not as depressed as I was a few days ago, so at least that's, good. This has blown up to a much greater proportion than I ever thought it was, maybe even life-changing. Not much I can do though, except talk to people about it, and or, crave attention.
I was going to message Kt today or tonight, the last bit of stuff on my mind, just so that I can prove to myself, finally, that this was all that I can do to gain back her trust. I was literally going to tell her everything, like, the plan to break up with her (initially) as well as how Cc's been telling me what she's been saying about me without me knowing through screenshots.
Of course, I asked Cc for permission before I did that and thankfully I did because Cc said she wasn't really okay with it. She said that Kt told me that she and Cc don't talk "often," but in actuality they talk, very often. And uh, I actually think it's fine to, keep this under wraps, because Cc is pretty much my only, undercover intel-getter that I got left.
Cc also told me how Kb started asking Kt questions about me, and uh, because of that, Kt thought I set Kb up to ask her shit. Cc said she was like "I don't know why he's so persistent" or something like that. I told her to tell Kt that that wasn't me, that I didn't set him up to ask her shit. And uh, from that though, I guess saying my last bit of shit, can wait. I mean my thought process is that, if I don't interact with her, or stop, then she'll forget about me. But now, from that, if I do, I'ma seem like I'm annoying, which, will drive her away even further.
I guess I just have to give it time, which is hard considering I have, all the fucking time in the world this week, heh. Tomorrow however, I'll be at DrewN's house for his birthday, a birthday party, with the whole cast. Also Friday, I'll be (hopefully) going on a hike with Bp. Just, it's just something to do. Then on Saturday, that'll be a prom-shoot with Ek, Lw, Jk, not sure about DrewN, but yeah.
Just to put this out there, these last two nights, I have had so many dreams that I cannot keep track of 'em all. However, the only thing that I do remember is that Batman, is in them, for whatever fucking reason, I don't know, I have't even seen a Batman image in a while, heh. Very weird. And yeah, it's 10:04 PM, I think I'll go to sleep early today. Fuck me, man, heh. Alright, see ya.
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