Tuesday, February 17, 2015 "Aww Man."

Tuesday, February 17, 2015
Week: 27
Song to Remember: Tueaday - ILOVEMAKKONEN, Stars on 45 (12" Mix) - Stars on 45

        Ay, ay, ay. Good to see you, come on in, let's go,Yeah, let's go. Alright, alright OK, uh, alright, OK Alright, OK.

        It's 12:42 AM. I'm having another one of those late night thoughts again, *sigh*. I regret looking through social media and refreshing pages to see if new stuff would pop up. Then I'm like "Yeah, you see all these people, Drew? These people made all that stuff. Those new posts on social media are made by them, and the reason there are even posts is because people make em'. So if you want to see new stuff on your Instagram feed, make new stuff." And I'm not talking about god damn submissions for Trove, god damnit. You've spent this whole f***ing day working, voxel by voxel on a f***ing video game and procrastinating on both break work, and sociality. Come on now, Drew.

        Yeah, I'm feeling depressed again. Aww man. Well, at least it'll hopefully go away the next morning. Whenever I'm sad or mad, I like to stay that way. I enjoy that feeling during that moment. Then I go to sleep, wake up, and I'm like just like "Ehhhh, I'm too tired to be mad or sad again". So there ya go. But when I really feel sad, it usually lingers on. Most of this sadness deals with me and people. Me, because I want to change myself, but s*** like procrastination, motivation, confidence, consequences, and past experiences are holding me back. And people, because I'm missing out on what they're doing. I wish I could do things they could, but hell, I'm me.

        Procrastination: it's a biggie. Yet it still happens. What contributes to that is motivation. I don't feel motivated sometimes. There always seems to be a reward at the end, but really, there isn't. I work hard, play hard, work hard play hard (and not in a David Guetta fashion either), and my reward? More work. It doesn't stop. When I want to build confidence, my past comes back to haunt me. I'm like "Ah Drew, remember that one time where you-" No. See this is something I'd like to stop. I learn from my mistakes, take advantage of my experiences, but they still hold me back. They remind me of s*** I don't want to happen again, and in the process of not doing them, I end up doing em'.

        Seeing people going places with their friends, ordering s*** at restaurants, doing f**ing high school musicals, seeing puberty done right (seriously, it's scary good), strabge connections that are apparently happening (still can't believe em'), interactions, interactions, god damn Starbucks runs, sports, buddies, old buddies, memories, social media, thoughts, and actions, makes me sad. You know, this sounds already like another post I've already made, where I build up my thoughts, then make a big sigh at the end. Then come to a conclusion, say "See you tomorrow", and then go to sleep. *sigh*, I just don't get it. I just want to know the answers to "What", "Why", "How", and "When".

        I just realized this is a good way to release stress. I just write down all my thoughts, how I'm feeling, whats happening, and then just put it aside to make way for new stuff, a clean slate. It's like when people write what they're angry about on a piece of paper, then crumpling it up and throwing it away. I guess for me, I got nobody to really show and express my thoughts and energy, so I'm stuck building it all up, then releasing it all here. Well, besides my cousin and some buddies. But really, my s***'s been kept up to myself only.

        Well, time to continue that stress release cycle posting. I seriously can't wait for that dance. An excuse for me to f*** s*** up, hehe, now that's the spirit, Drew. Keep it up. Or if you've just started, create that mindset. See you tomorrow.