Wednesday, October 22, 2014 "Awkwardly, It's Back to Square One For Me, El."

Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Week:10
Songs to Remember: Under Cover of Darkness - The Strokes, Naive (Jean Tonique Remix) - The Kooks

        I cannot remember the last time I told a girl my feelings. I seriously cannot remember. I don't even know if ever did. Well, now there's something to remember.

        Having only 3 hours of sleep last night was not of my best decisions. I spent my whole first period coming up with what I was going to say right. 2nd period I was rehearsing it, 3rd period I was still rehearsing it and I decided to I don't know, talk with Yn about how I was gonna tell El about my feels. She was like "Oh, I hope it goes well. Last year I told my crush I liked him. He rejected me and I cried for a whole week" and I'm like "Oh, thanks, thanks for foreshadowing what will probably happen to me".

        In P.E my partner was pushing me pretty hard. My arms were horribly sore. After I got changed from P.E and was standing at the locker room exit, waiting for the bell to ring, I was saying my lines over and over again. I was nervous already, and the tiredness from exercising didn't help either. I don't remember a time when I was this nervous. Honestly can't remember. The bell rang and that made my heart skip a beat. Like, the feeling of nervousness was pretty heavy. It felt like I was wearing a metal chest-plate that weighed a ton.

        I walk towards El's 4th period class and I see her wearing a sort of dress-thing.I'm not very good with clothing names. Anyways, I thought her birthday was on the 25th, but Facenovel told me last night (you know, that little sidebar thing on the right and it tells birthdays) that her birthday was gonna be today so I was like "Oh". I went up to her, mindset on "who gives a f***", and was like "Hey El" and she was like "Hey" and I was like "Is it your birthday today?" and she was like "Yeah" and I was like "Oh, happy birthday".

        I asked her if I could talk to her for a bit and I was like "I just want to apologize for my negativity yesterday. I felt like it was my fault that you seemed so down whenever I was around". She didn't seem really interested in whatever I had to say so she sorta just walked to her locker. I didn't want to back out now so I continued on and was like "And so... I just wanted to say that... I... think you're a sweet person... you're different from everyone else... you're probably the nicest person I've met".

        "And so I just wanted to tell you that i I've had feelings for you for a long time. Maybe you'd want to go out sometime?" And I said it. I just said it. Took me a while 'cause I felt like I couldn't breathe at all and that there was a ton of weight on my shoulders. I waited about a couple seconds and she told me "Sorry, I think of you as a friend". And I'm like "Alright, that's fine. We're still best buddies right? Or close friends?" And she's just like "Mhmm" or something. I tried to apply some comic relief and acted like it wasn't anything special and I was like "Woo, finally got that off my chest haha". She seemed pretty quiet so I just said "I'll see you around" and she waved bye. That'll probably be the last bye I'll get from her.

        That was not how I expected the whole thing to play out. Not the rejection thing though, I was kinda expecting it, but the setting and how she'd react. Oh and just to be clear, the "friend-zone" does not apply here alright. I thought we'd still be friends, or at least, still say hi to each other. But no, this soon became the "exiled-zone". I'll talk more about this later. Sooo, I was hanging out at my usual spot now and I told my buddy that I "went ham". He's like "What'd she say" and I'm like "I lost" and then he's like "That's 'cause you don't believe in yourself" and I'm like "No, I mean, she straight up told me" and he's like "Oh, straight up? Well at least you tried. I'm proud of you". And boy, did I have goosebumps, as well as shaking. A lot.

        But boy was that a relief. I thought to myself "Hey, you tried, Drew. You had nothing to lose and you had the mindset of 'F*** it'. And now you got one less thing to worry about". After that, I felt pretty normal. Like, I just felt like my regular self. I didn't really feel good, nor bad. And so after 5th period was 6th period. I came into the class seeing El burying her head in her work or whatever. During that time though, I felt pretty relaxed. I talked pretty casually, of course, not with El but with my group members. She didn't say a word to me the whole period, which was understandable. I could see that El packed up all her stuff like 5 minutes early in order to like, get out the door as quick as possible with Rc.

        I wanted to say a small good bye hut she darted out the door as fast as f***, smiling with Rc. And so I walked by myself again, going my original route and I'm just thinking "Do I regret telling her?" I list the reasons why and reasons why I shouldn't have and the reasons to tell her out-numbered the reasons why I shouldn't have. I seriously felt relieved. El was already deeply into Rc and doesnt even pay attention to me anymore. If she ignores me now, she wasn't paying attention to me previously anyways and I thought it wouldn't really make much of a difference. I mean, all you have to do is just act like it never happened and bam, problem's gone.

        I got home and relaxed for a bit. I then get a notification on my phone and I'm surprised to see that it's a message from El. Apparently it was a resignation letter of her resigning from being existant in my life that is. She wrote (and this is quoted by the way):

        "Hey Andrew. I want to start off by saying I'm sorry. I don't think that we can remain friends. I don't want to punish you for your feelings, but I don't think that we could be friends with the awkwardness. I also probably will always feel kind of awkward around you and school is already stressing enough. I also don't think that we should hang out anymore. Please don't try to talk to me to convince me otherwise. Again, sorry."

        Now, the first thing I thought of was "Why did you not tell me this earlier?" I expected for us to at least say hi to each other but now I guess she doesn't want anything to do with me. This message right here explains to me that I made the right choice of telling her 'cause I do not like to be friends with people who are like this. Starting off, she tells me she's sorry. So you're the one sorry now? She says she doesnt want to remain friends. Now that I think about it, it's fine with me. A stupid decision on her part, but whatever floats her boat. And, I have a good reason why too. I'll explain that later.

        She says she doesn't want to punish me for my feelings but in a way it kind of is. Then she says the one thing that pisses me off the most: she says that we can't be friends with the awkwardness. Now, I think that it's a stupid reason to not want to be friends with someone. Awkwardness? Why? I don't see why. What, so if we remained friends, in class would you be like "Oh s***, there's that friend who likes me. S***, what do I do? What do I do? The pain is unbearable!"?

        Awkwardness honestly makes no difference in the way of interacting with someone. A solution? Suck it up and forget about it. The only reason it's awkward is because of how you keep it floating around in your mind. If you act like it never happened and just do things normally, things would still go smoothly. "I also probably will always..." That was a lot of also's, probably's , will's, and always'. I guess she's unsure. "I also don't think we should hang out anymore". Yeah, thanks for clarifying that up if I hadn't understood your first couple sentences. "Please don't try to talk to me to convince me otherwise". Well, it's not like I want to talk to you again since you probably wouldn't reciprocate a reply anyways sooo. The school thing, i could understand. I wont understand though if she says yes to Rc, or else it'd just be an excuse. And again, she's sorry.

        Now, she's answered this one questionnaire thing on Facebook, this "100 Truths" note thing, and on that, she answered that she has yet to turn down anyone. I'm thinking that she's never rejected anyone before, nor had anyone ask her out before. And with that type of inexperience, I could see why she would handle the situation the way she is right now: childish. Who avoids people and ignore them? Is that gonna make things any easier? No, that s*** just adds more drama. Unnecessary drama. That's the s*** I don't like. Awkwardness should not be a reason as to exile someone from your life. But hey, it's her life, she does whatever she wants.

        Hey, I've been rejected 9 times now (yes I keep count, yes this was the 9th one). I've seen stupid things, did stupid things, and thought about stupid things. I know whether things would be easy to take in one way or another. Also, she doesn't realize that it takes a lot of s*** to actually go up to someone and do that. And for her part, she sends it through Facebook. Facebook is not face to face. Anyways, I told my buddy the message and he was like "What a b****". And so, I was kinda glad I did what I did 'cause I don't really like to hangout with people who do immature stuff like that.

        I'm done criticizing her for now. Just kidding, there's one more thing. She un-friended me on Facebook. Like, donyoubsee the level of immaturity I'm dealing with here? And probably the most important question: am I still invited to her birthday party? Like, she doesn't really want to see me anymore. And what do I do with the presents I bought her? What am I gonna do with a drawing-journal and a manga drawing kit? I don't want to return the stuff 'cause going to return stuff costs gas money. Just kidding, my dad would be like "Why are you returning these? What did you do now? You had one chance Drew".

        I was thinking of people that are going to her party and see if they could give my gifts to El for me. And coincidentally, El's buddy asked me on Facebook on due dates for a chemistry project. And I was like "Oh hey, I could just give it to her friend during 3rd period and have her give it to her". I don't think El has told anyone else about this whole thing.

        Anyways, things have gotten pretty out of hand this past couple weeks. I still sit behind El in Chinese class so that's gonna be "awkward", until Friday when we switch seats. Thinking about the current state between me and El, it's, kinda unbelievable. Maybe because it happened pretty fast. I was just thinking like "Wait, did I seriously cause this? Did this happen?". Hopefully El has a nice birthday and Rc will keep her happy. I just know that this is for the best and it's a step in the right direction for me on improving myself. Next time, I'll be able to play things out more smoother. But how much more practice do I need really? A lot.

        Also, I found a dude who's in basically the same exact situation I'm in right now. He felt a distance forming between him and his crush, he tells her his feelings, and the girl un-friends him on Facebook. I'll leave the link at the bottom if you wanna read it. And so, that ends the El arch for my story. I continue to keep referring to her as "El" now instead of her real name. Probably because I type up "El" a lot.

        I guess that with the "awkwardness", it's back to square one for me. Also, thanks for the chat Yn. She discusses with me a bit on this matter and shared her insight and experiences like this.

        I know that she knows I'm not fond of asking. True or false, it may be, she's still out to get me. See you tomorrow.



Link to read: https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20130610051023AAqtC6K