Tuesday, October 21, 2014 "Hold Onto Your Kite, Just Don't Let Me Down."

Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Week: 10
Songs to Remember: Naive (Jean Tonique Remix) - The Kooks, Under Cover of Darkness - The Strokes

        Over the weekend I was feeling depressed. Last night I was feeling depressed. Today I was feeling depressed. I got some help and now I think Season 10 might just be more exciting than I thought it was going to be.

        Okay I wrote that beginning paragraph like 12 hours ago and now I'm not really sure if that's really true. Anyways, considering it's 3:20 AM as I'm writing this, I'll summarize it all in order for me to stay awake when I'm telling El that I've been had feelings for her. So today during break, I was walking around the place where she hangs out at and I don't see her at all. The building where she hangs out at is known for it's large amount of "weirdos" that hang at there, as well as being a place for people to make out.

        So I'm walking around and I go through the empty parts of the place and I turn a corner and I see this couple making out right. I first thought it was El and the dude, but luckily it wasn't (yo, if it was, I think i'd die right at the spot). It was my classmate from Chinese class and he's "Hey Drew" and I'm like "'Sup" and uhhh, I didn't want to disturb their make out session so I just went my way thinking "Well, that's a first".

        During lunch, I actually found El hanging out at her usual spot. I could see that she was indulging in a conversation with like, 3 other female friends so I was thinking like " Is it rude if I interrupt this? When will this group conversation end?" She went out of the conversation a couple times to reply to some texts or whatever, probably from the dude. He was probably like, working on a project or something in class or else El would be hanging with him asap.

        I knew that getting her attention would be pretty difficult, and 'cause I'm a polite dude. So I tried to do a cliche trick where I'd drop my papers and she'd help me pick em' up. I drop my papers and she walks to a corner to reply to her text right after I drop em'. A couple of my buddies were there to help me pick em' up though. Pretty, uhhh, pretty good timing dontcha think. Anyways, I wanted to confront about the way she was making me feeling and I decided to do that during Chinese class. She didn't really say hi to me at all during the day. Now that I'm thinking about it, it hurts. Like, emotionally. So emotionally that I feel like it's actual physical pain. Heart-ache's probably the best way to describe it. Or depression. Same category.

        I asked her twice during class if she was doing alright, if everything was okay. She was like "Yeah, mhmm". Good thing she didn't say "Everything's fine" or else I would've flipped my s***. I was still questioning what's wrong here. She said everything's alright, I mean, you can't get a better answer than that. I mean, what was I expecting? I begin to blame this s*** on me. And so the whole period, she just dug her head in her textbook and doing homework or whatever. Or drawing. I don't know. Only until after class did I get a chance to actually talk to her. She was going to talk to Rc with that big smile or hers, but luckily some dude from the class cut in and started talking to Rc and I took the chance to ask El if I could talk to her for a bit.

        I asked her once more if everything's alright and she said the same thing "Mhmm, yeah". She asked why and I told her that for the past couple days she didn't seem as cheerf as she usually is. She said it was just 'cause of a friend's problem and I was like "Alright" and accepted it as an answer. I then proceeded to get off my chest the need to apologize to her and told her that I was sorry. She asked me why and I said I was sorry for not being fun to talk to and she said that I didn't have to be sorry for anything and that I didn't do anything wrong.

        She then proceeded to put on her ear buds and turn her music up and I asked if we were still close friends and she didn't even pay attention to me. She began walking her way and I walked mines and I could visualize a camera panning out, showing me and El walking our own ways. That was not how I expected it to go. I'm now thinking that maybe it's not her, maybe it's me. But I didn't do anything and so why would it be me? Maybe that's the problem; because I didn't do anything.

        Again, I walked hone and alone and I felt depressed, hard. I decided that I wanted some help from a friend so I messaged Em and told her what's been going and if she could help. She tells me to talk to my crush more, comfort em', the usual. And I'm like "Yeah, I've been doing that. Now it's kinda hard for me to since she pays more attention to an to her dude". I told her how I walked with my crush for weeks straight and how she invited me to her birthday party this Saturday. Then Em realized and she was like "WAIT, IS IT EL???!!" And I'm like "Mhmm".

        She told me that El talked about me and said that I was cute. Wow. Someone actuau thought I was cute? That's like the first in like, I can't even remember. I felt really, really better after hearing how El had talked about how cute I was. Man, was it a huge confidence boost. And that settled it for me. Em also said how El was talking to her about Rc a couple days ago, but that didn't matter to me much. Now I got confirmation that El did liked me. Hopefully she still does a bit because I'll be " confessing" my feelings for her. I don't like the word "confessing". I'd rather just say "express" my feelings than to "confess" them.

        Em was like "You should tell her, you have a good chance" and I'm like "You really think I have a chance?" And she's like "About 80%" and I'm thinking like "80%, I like those odds". Knowing that El does have at least SOME feelings for me, and that if I wait any longer, Rc's gonna win. I mean, I might as well try because, right now, what do I got to lose? If Rc and El get together, El won't be talking to me ever again. El already doesn't really talk to me anymore anyways. And, I'm already tired from trying to keep a smile, 'cause it hurts when you're trying to keep a positive attitude when your pride's being pummled by some dude who's not eve trying.

        Em, I appreciate the help. Oh and uh, Em's homeschooled again due to her trying to commit suicide and ending things again. And she and I both understand eachother's feelings of depression very well. *sigh*, if only I asked sooner. But hey, that's the past now. I gotta worry about the future, I gotta worry about now. I'm going to just going to have to just tell her. I'm gonna have to have the mindset of "F*** it". If I wait any longer I'll have that "what if?" feeling, when Rc wins. I may still have a chance. Oh please El, find it in your kindness and see me for what I was during the beginning of the year.

        Having the support of people on my ask.fm really helped as well. They allowed me to talk about my current feelings and I got the benefit of knowing that people actually cared enough to ask me about my current feelings. I'm 80% sure that one of the people asking me questions on ask.fm is Yn. Today she told me she saw my ask.fm and all the questions regarding my crush. I asked if she had a crush and she was like "Yeah, but he likes someone else too".

        Also someone called me cute on ask.fm just because I mentioned how Em helped me by mentioning that El talked about how cute I was. Again, a huge confidence boost. I'm gonna need it to speak loudly and clearly my feelings for her tomorrow (well, technically today since it's already 4:04 AM now). Two things can come from this: she will either say yes and the day will be marked down in history, or no, and I'll be relieved that I can now relax and not have to worry about El anymore.

        Buuuut, the pain will probably unbearable. I'm probably gonna a have to take a few naps for a couple weeks to sleep it off. And help. Lots of help. Well alright, I'm holding onto my kite, just don't let me down. I'll let you know what happens. *sigh*, season 10 everybody. See you tomorrow.