Monday, October 20, 2014

Monday, October 20, 2014 "I'll Say It Straight Up: My Heart's Broken."

Monday, October 20, 2014
Week: 10
Songs to Remember: 11th Dimension - Julian Casablancas, At First - JJCC, Hard to Explain - The Strokes

        So I pretty much lost.And just a couple weeks ago I was doing fine, probably the best in a while even. And now my feelings are just, f***. I don't even know what to do right now.

        I'm not gonna talk about shopping for El's birthday present from yesterday 'cause I don't really care much about it anymore. I'll do a re-cap of what's going on all this time. Sooo, starting from last year, there was this girl who I thought was really nice and cute. I wanted to get to know her more but I didn't really have any connections to be able to talk to her. I was friends with a friend of hers for a while last year and so she knew what I looked like. We didn't really say anything to each other.One day during this art gallery show at our school, I saw her and I was deciding if I wanted to say hi to her or not. Good thing I was friends with her friend 'cause she sorta caught me staring and said hi to me. She even remembered my name so that was surprising.

         Up until the last day of school, she always said hi to me if she saw me walking to my classes. I was like "She is a real nice person". Not many people said hi to me last year besides some of my buddies so I took greetings very sincerely. Summer passes by and this school-year starts. I saw her and her friend while walking to get my schedule. That reminded me of all the times she said hi to me last year. My first day of school was fairly fine, but better than last year. And then when I went to my 6th period class, I see her, and there was an empty seat next to her. I was like "Well, my day just got 10 times better".

        Things were fine, great actually. Probably the best 2 weeks I've ever had in school. On the 3rd week or so, she started walking with me on my route to exit the school. She's been walking with me up until last Friday where she just disappeared and started walking home with this one dude. Our Chinese teacher changes seats every 3 weeks and after the first 3 weeks, she changed our seats and I was left sitting across the room from her, and she was sitting next to this guy who had the same last name as her, same facial features, like, everything. If you were to look at their group photo, you couldn't tell the difference from em', it'd look like they were destined to be together.

        And so, she and him were getting closer and closer and I was just getting farther and farther. I didn't really think of it at all during that time. El still interacted me about the same way she did during the beginning of the year. I guess I just sucked at talking 'cause one time when we were walking together, she seemed pretty bummed out. She saw that dude walk one way and she had to walk with me in another. I could tell 'cause, I didn't get that usual vibe when she's happy. If you've walked with someone and talked with them for weeks straight, you could differentiate their moods, when they're happy or sad or anything in between.

        Alright, I saw something on my Facebook news feed that shocked me for a bit, now I forgot where I left off. I'll get back to that Facebook thing later. Anyways, after those 3 weeks of him and her sitting next to each other, we changed seats again. The teacher does it by random with having each of us pull a number out of a box and we sit at the corresponding seat. She was already sitting at seat number one and I was just praying that I'd get a seat next to her, or at least close to her. I pull out my number and it's seat number 2. I'm right behind her. Do you know how amazing that feeling was?

        So apparently this will be the last week I'll be sitting near her, unless RNGsus decides to bless me again and I get a seat next to her. Oh and I forgot to mention, about 3 weeks ago, she gave me an invitation to her birthday, which is going to be this Saturday, on the 25th. That was probably one of the most thoughtful things anyone has ever done for me. She even made it herself. She even considered me a close friend. She even gave it to me in person. Who do you know actually gives invitations in person anymore? And you see why I think she's more special than anyone else?

        All of that leads up to where I am now. Because she sat next to him, because they were basically made for each other, now she's f***ing all over him. When he stands up to answer a question from the teacher, she turns around immediately and stares at him. She turns around in her seat to talk to him 4 seats back. Oh my god, that stare she gives him. I cannot get it outta my mind. And now, she walks with him instead of me. They probably talk endlessly as they're walking, more than what I could talk. The worst part is... she doesn't even say bye anymore.

        I don't even know if I should even wave hi anymore to her when she waves to me. I just think it's just wasted effort now. She didn't talk to me today at all, even when I was waiting for her at the place where she hangs out, and even when I'm sitting right behind her. Paying more attention to the guy is bad enough for me, paying no attention at all to me is worse. And now I think that all those weeks have gone to waste. I thought this year was headed somewhere different. I guess it's back to square one.

        Just to make it worse, today I saw her post this one thing on Facebook. It's this trend that's going around in our social circle recently. It was one of those Facebook app things where you do a survey and you get a "Top 4 Friends" thing at the end to post. Of those 4 friends, one of them was a "blank has a crush on you" and another was a "blank is your best friend" and so on. And guess who the blank was for the crush one? Yeah, it was the guy. She posted saying (this is the exact quote by the way) "WOW.... This is so wrong...... I don't even.... How?". Way to rub salt in the wound, Facebook.

        Oh and that reminds me of another instance. Yesterday I forgot to tell her my shoe size for my ice skates for her birthday party next week (she's having it at an ice rink). I messaged her and only until this morning she replied, and all she said was "lol" and then "k". Out of all the words in the English language, a guy never wants to hear the words "lol" and "k" used together. Sorry if I'm just being asshole-ish at this point, but you gotta be feeling what I'm feeling right now.

        So is there a way to solve all this? I don't know what to do. I talk with my best buddy on what's going on and he tells me to man up, be confident, and "go ham". The key thing he wants me to have is confidence. I take his advice, but I don't know what to do with that confidence. What am I supposed to do??? She kinda just ignores me now, she's crushing on another dude and he knows it, she doesn't walk with me anymore, and she hangs out only with her friends and with him.

        I, in my mind, have two options. I could just lay back and do nothing and hope that she finds something out of place and she'll want to talk to me again. Or, I try my hardest and to 1-up the dude every time and be the loudest that I can. Judging how doing nothing accomplishes nothing, and how the dude basically replaced me, I have to be the loudest, confident, assertive beast I can possibly be. It's not that I'm afraid of rejection, I just don't want to go through more heart-break than I already am by trying my hardest, only to get 1-upped by the guy when he's not even trying.

        And there's this one thing bothering me. I'm a very sincere dude and I care a lot for people, even when I get hurt in the process. And for some reason, I feel like apologizing to her. I don't know why, I just do. I don't even know if that accomplishes anything. Probably not. If I told her I was sorry, she'd be like "Why?" and I explain to her that I'm sorry for being who I am, for getting in her way, etc. Then she'd by like "Huh?" BECAUSE, all of this is oblivious to her. She doesn't know that she's making me feel this way. She's just being her and has no idea that whatever she's doing with that guy, it's making me feel bad. And therefore, since I feel bad, the first thing that pops up into my mind is to apologize. This is probably the biggest thing that pisses me off, 'cause she doesn't know what's happening. I'm not mad at her, at mad at the situation that's going on right now.

        .Walking by myself now feels like the shittiest thing ever now..... *sigh*. Sooo, welcome to the season 10 premier. Didn't think it'd be this gloomy did ya? The sky was cloudy and dark today. It also rained. Very fitting weather. And just now, I've been answering some questions I received on my ask.fm. Apparently people care enough to ask how I'm doing and care about my situation right now. I really needed that. I really did. And now, I don't feel so bad anymore. Also, how are you gonna let a brother know that someone likes em' and not tell em' who?

        Today's been really unexpected. Hopefully, I'll get better and better and someday overcome my current self. 'Cause right now, I'm the only one holding me back. 's her name and just like a broken faucet, the tears won't stop. I'll see you tomorrow.

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