Monday, March 7, 2016 "The Cold."

Monday, March 7, 2016

Week: 30

Songs to Remember: 

        It was around 51 degrees Fahrenheit today. My weather app said the highest was going to be 72 and lowest being 52. Instead, it was actually 62 and 42.

        I cannot recall the amount of times where I felt like either dying, running away, or disappearing off the face of this Earth. My school day was generally okay, it was the same as usual, nothing too spectacular, nothing too shitty, just the same old, same old. After school there was KDT practice which I was looking forward to.

        When they were calling out the names of people to be places in their specific spot for formations for MIN's "Get Out" dance, I thought that I would be in that last of names, but after it looked like everyone was at their spot, I inferred "Yeah, they're using the VSA signups list with everybody's names AFTER the evaluations changes." And yes, my name wasn't on the list.

        Not gonna lie, I was pretty bummed about it, knowing that I'm only going to be performing in basically 2 songs for the VSA show (it's not even guaranteed even, I still have to go through evaluations for both of them still). But, that changed after we started learning 4Minute's "Hate" for the first time, and the instructors were pretty impressed at how in sync we were. I was actually proud of myself for being able to not lose pace, heh.

        Things felt pretty good, I had the whole week planned out: homework, then extras, then dance practice on any song I wanted. I wanted to prove my own point that KDT's just for peer-to-peer learning, interactions, and for the experience in a social gathering. If I really wanted to learn a dance, I gotta do it myself, for any song that I want to do. Wanting to prove something to others isn't necessarily a bad thing. For me, it's to prove that I'm capable of such feats, like a learning a K-Pop dance all by myself and through my ways.

        And so after practice I got home. I went into my room, changed, came out and my parents ask me "Is it okay if you stop doing dance practices?" I was caught off guard, wondering why they asked me that question. They said I would need to drop my dance practices and start going to tutoring for my grades. In my mind, it was a literal "Not this fucking shit again."

        They had already called a private tutor for me to learn Biology just because my progress report, not a report card, which is a flawed system anyways, had an F in AP Biology. Now my parents don't know a single thing about how the school system works. What do they emphasize to be success? The SAT, GPA, and grades in general. Don't care if it's a 5th grade math or a NASA level physics class. They do not understand what an AP class is, the grade bump it gives, how my cousin received a lower score on the SAT, took lower level classes, and still got into a college.

        Even after explaining how my AP Biology class only has 20 assignments put into the gradebook, compared to something like my Chinese class which has 60, that the total score and everything is biased, that it's just the progress report, that the progress report itself is wrong because I do not have an F, that my parents are spending money and wasting everybody's time for me be tutored in a weekend when I should be spending it relaxing and relieving stress that I get from these specific events on material that I've either already learned or could get for free using online resources to study in ways that work for me, they still give me the lecture that "Oh, we care about you, we're not pushing you. We just want you to get into a good college because if you get into a good college, you'll get a good job, 'cause that's how the world works. A good college equals a good job. Trust us, we didn't attend college and attended High school in Vietnam, which is completely identical to the curriculum that's offered here." 'Course, they didn't say it exactly like that.

        There are many quotes saying to just not worry, that apparently, that's easy. And I could see how and why, but when you're living in an environment like this, essentially caved into a confined space where you don't get many choices due to many factors, ready for that nerve to just snap and lose it, it's hard.

        And yeah, of course there are countless other people the same age as me who are going through worse things. Way worse things. Their father could be an alcoholic and abuser. Their home could be living in a car. Their best friend could have committed suicide. My parents want me to be at least one of the best of the best, at least up there with all the other smart kids. But guess what? I'm different.

        Many, many times I have heard from teachers, the ones who grades us and basically decide our young future, that your life is not defined by a number. With all the tutoring classes and centers around now, the amount of homework, extracurricular events that we must attend, balancing school with work, or school and sleep, or vice versa, yes, you are.