Friday, March 4, 2016 "Exclusive."

Friday, March 4, 2016
Week: 29
Songs to Remember: Press Your Number - Taemin

        So I just wanna put it out there, things are still unknown to me, I get a lot of mood swings. I don't remember who said this, but I remember the quote was like, "As you grow up, you'll experience emotions you've never felt before." And it's true.

        Psychology was what you'd expect. We were in groups again, and the projects don't stop. We have to create a motivational poster and diet schedule for a theoretical couple who want to lose weight. Last week we had to film a skit, now we gotta do this as well. I think I've had more projects in this class than any other.

        English was another instance where things don't go as planned. I was ready to take the exam, but uh, apparently like, half the class is missing since there's like a band performance at a college, so uh, yeah. So, the teacher has us vote whether we wanna take the exam today, or, on Monday. Since we wasted around 10 minutes discussing about it, we basically just voted for Monday. And also 'cause it wouldn't be fair for us since the people who are gone today get like an extra 4 days (which was when the make-up exam day was scheduled). We just watched more of the Beloved movie and worked on our essays in the meantime.

        Biology, where we essentially get more free time. We weighed our plants, have to take 'em home and like, measure the surface area of the leaves, my group members didn't want it so I took it and put it in my locker 'cause it was starting to attract insects, and I didn't want that in my house, heh. Test on Monday, which means I'll have to add studying to my list of what I gotta do this weekend. I'm just glad KDT practice got moved to next week.

        Math was the usual again, lunch was the usual again, the cast is planning to have a game night tomorrow but, with the amount of shit I gotta do, not sure if I can do it. Anyways, US History was just us researching other conspiracy theories, writing it on paper, all the while we watch a James Files interview. Chinese was no different, except as we were doing work and practicing how to write Chinese characters, the teacher showed us bootleg Facebook videos.

        Now, here's when shit gets a bit deep. There was KDT practice today, and uh, you know, I practiced a lot last night, I was ready to be evaluated for the BTS "Dope" dance. It was said that practice today was going to be for more of BTS' "Dope," and I thought we'd do the evaluations before, then learn the new parts. Apparently not, we spent an hour and a half learning new content, and then, when it came to evaluations towards the last 5 minutes of practice, we had to do both the part we learned on Monday, and, the new content.

        I've said this before, that I don't like how we gotta take in the new content we just learned in amidst of just 1 and a half hours of practice and be evaluated on that. If they'd give me a day to practice at home, sure, I'd be confident and would sure be able to do it. But I guess they prefer doing it this way and that's fine. So for evaluations, I got the first part down, the one we already learned, but I don't think I did well on the 2nd part, the one we just learned in the course of an hour and a half.

        Some people are faster learners, I consider myself to be slower, just need personal time to practice on my own. They releasing the list of the ones who passed on Sunday, so, hopefully I did get in. Considering how many people were there, I'd doubt it though. Anyways, there's a lot of new people who've joined KDT apparently, like this one guy, I'm guessing he's a freshmen since he hangs out with the other freshmen in KDT.

        The head of KDT was like "Hey, you came to the practice on Monday right?" And he was like "Yeah" and she's like "Ya gotta introduce yourself or else we won't know who you are, heh." And then uh, everybody's like "Oh damn" to the guy who started coming to practices like, since Monday. And towards the end of practice, the president was like "Ay, welcome our new member" and he was put in the middle of our group circle huddle thing.

        So the thing that bothers me is that, why didn't they do this to other new members? Like, there's a fair bit of others who've recently started coming too, but they only bring attention to him, and I really don't want to think that it's because he's a guy and all the girls (which are around 95% of KDT) are like "Mmmm finally another dude in KDT," but I just can't help it.

        So why don't I get praise like that? That's a question I'd wanna know. And yes, I have gotten it before when Th brought the group's attention to my dancing in SUBOI in the group chat, it felt really good, my confidence was through the fucking roof from that. But that'll be just a one time thing probably. I appreciated the support, but I've been supporting others my whole life I feel like, on the sidelines. Maybe I'm just being selfish and jealous, and envy's got me again.

        I just don't know what to do. The only cast member I really connect to now is DrewN and the only social hobby I'm trying to get into is KDT. I do feel very special when we do performances, because it feels exclusive, just like what the president of KDT says, KDT family, but with more and more people joining, it's hard to stand out.

        My emotions are hard to be put into words, because you can't read feelings, you gotta feel 'em I guess, heh. Maybe I am being a fucking crybaby again, heh, I don't know man. Call me a hypocrite, selfish, jealous, whatever you want, it's true for now 'cause I think this is just another phase for me, and I'm looking forward to what I'm gonna experience next.

        Oh and uh, if I do get to stay in "Dope" when they post the evluation results, I take allll of this back, heh. I think that's one of the driving forces why I feel this way right now, 'cause I'm confident that I wasn't confident enough to not mess up during evaluations. But anyways, it's 11;37 PM, I am going to bed to catch up on sleep, see ya.