Sunday, May 11, 2014 "Just Existing Around Part 2."

Sunday, May 11, 2014
Week 38
Songs to Remember: Oh! My Goddess - TRAX

        As I was saying in the last part where I left off, I didn't message Em on Facenovel because I didn't want to be creepy.

        Luckily, and I mean luckily, she messaged me, which surprised me. Pretty crazy right? Out of nowhere she was like "Hi". Em is very energetic and weird I guess, in a good way. Back when she came to school, she hung out with "creeps and weirdos" as she called her friends. In a good way of course.

        Her friends don't really talk to me, or actually, I don't talk to them. I don't even hang out with them. She introduced me to them, but I don't even know if they accept me. Even if they are "creeps and weirdos". I know I'm definitely not normal, but am I weird? You could say that.

        Every person I know has character, a sort of charisma you could say. I could list all the personalities of everyone I've talked to or seen. But me, now that's where I'm stuck at. Do I even have character? What is interesting about me? I think hard a lot of times (too many times to be exact), but no matter how hard I think, I can't figure out what personality I have.

        That brings up the question: "Do people even like me?" Not the like, like sorta thing, but the "like my presence" kind of thing. Am I "fun" to hang out with? When my friends and I have a group conversation, does what I say matter? My conversations are obviously awkward as hell, maybe that's what makes me interesting? Nahh.

        I don't talk very much either. I think it was because of the consequences of talking out loud (as teachers dislike) and being paranoid of saying the wrong thing I guess. I think I talk a little bit too little, because even though I barely say anything at home, my mom still yells at me.

        With asian parents, it's definitely a more strict environment at home. I barely ask my mom (at all) to "drive my to the mall" or "get me new clothes" or any of that really. But my mom still feels the need to yell, because other volumes of speech definitely aren't necessary to get the point through.

        Oh, and today's mother's day. I don't celebrate mother's day. I do what my mom asks me to do, I still get yelled at. She gets on my nerves. Today she told (yelled actually) me "Why are you always on the computer for?!" I don't know, mom. Considering nobody likes me, I got nothing else to do. "Go read a book".

        So nobody likes me, platonic-ly that is. Let's first take a look at the list of my rejections: my first time getting rejected, well I didn't actually think of it as a rejection, all this girl did was trying to shrug me away. The second time, same thing. The third time, over Facenovel, the girl tells me not to get mad at her for rejecting me.

        The fourth time, girl just tries to completely ignore me, and got mad a little. The fifth time, over Facenovel, it became awkward as, I actually don't remember how it went online. I just checked like right now, scrolling through the chat history and uh, wow was it awkward. What was I typing? Haha, yeah I cringed a bit.

        The 6th time, yeah it was pretty hard. It was the thing with Ez. The 7th time, well she completely avoided me, physically. The 8th time, I got un-friended from Facenovel. The 9th time, well that hasn't happened yet, but it will.

        I was gonna talk about how people dislike me, but after reading that conversation history about that 5th rejection, it cheered me up a bit. I thought about my past self like "Hey, that was me". It was pretty cool.

        But yeah, I don't talk like, at all. I think more than I talk, which is pretty bad for me. I tend to be awkward in every way I can and without my control. I'm shy about simple stuff like go talk to my teacher about grades or whatever. I'm not exactly "athletic", nor am I good at video games (I'm decent I guess). I'm not that smart either, I'm above average. I'm also lazy, like not starting my 70 question assignment which is due May something.

        I also think "People think..." too much. If I try to I don't know, whatever, then I'll think "Hey, that dude's gonna think I'm blah blah blah" I think too much about what people think about me. I should just do things for the f*** of it. That I'd want to attempt next year. Right now, I'm just existing around. That's all I'm doing.

        Where was I going with this topic? I don't even remember, but what I do remember is that my friend (I guess) always asks me "So how's life?" I always answer "It's okay I guess". My life's a bit lower than "okay", but it's going okay, I GUESS. See you tomorrow.